How to persuade a relative with dementia to go back to their care home? We need some strategies!

[MitheredAndFrazzled]

After a good three hours to get her to go back the other night (not all our fault, we did try to give the topic a break but she follows you and keeps talking about it!) I think we need some new ideas!

I know she's frightened and confused, but she also shouts, grabs at you and can be really quite nasty, so we need to find a better way to manage it.

She says things like she has to be with family and it's not fair to make her go. If we loved her we'd let her stay. She can't go back to a dark empty house. She's family so it's her house and she will just stay there with her DS and the rest of us can go.

We've tried:

-She had a nice cosy room with her things there.
-There's staff there all the time so she won't be alone.
-We'd never take her somewhere she'd be alone.
-We all work etc so can't look after her full time (she's up every hour in the night calling out and knocking on doors)
-She can't live on her own any more (she agrees with this) so she's paying to somewhere with 24 hour staff where she was doesn't have to cook/clean etc
-Ringing the home to get somebody there to promise to put the lights and kettle on and be waiting for her

And then (probably not great, but as patience wears a bit!)

-This isn't her house
-Ignoring her

If anybody has any top tips we'd love to hear them please!

At the moment I think the favoured option is to just not let her visit, which seems a shame when the care home will allow her to come here but only one named visitor can see her there (she can't concentrate on a video call or really see well enough).

Have you tried saying the doctor says you have to go? My mum would agree to anything the doctor said but not anything I said. You could pretend to ring him while she's there to ask him. This sounds cruel but it's really not.

Agree that saying the Dr said it might be good. I would also consider that bringing a confused person away from their home may not be in their best interests and consider not doing it again.

Tbh it's probably kinder not to let her visit if it unsettles her. The restrictions in visiting are a barstard but probably upset family more than her.

Can you take her out for visiting but not back to your house?
Reasoning with someone with dementia isn't easy.
If you have this each time she comes, but you want to keep seeing her you do need a return strategy! Maybe you don't say 'lets take you back to the care home' but you do say 'lets go for a drive' and take her home.
My MIL lives in a care home and is settled and well looked after, but always asks DH when he is coming to collect her. She's been told that this is where she lives now, but either this doesn't stick or isn't what she wants to hear! He never tells her the whole truth as there's nothing to be gained in upsetting her, so he says something like 'not today' which she accepts.

I would also consider that bringing a confused person away from their home may not be in their best interests and consider not doing it again.

I agree with this. The disruption of coming away from the care home back to the family home but just temporarily is not something that a confused and disoriented mind should be expected to cope with. It's not a kindness. It's a shame about the visiting restrictions and I hope those change soon but I don't think you should uproot her again for visits.

Thank you everybody, it's nice to hear from some others who have had similar — it feels like you have to make it up as you go along.

The problems seem to have started since she's moved care homes. Before that she'd happily come out for a visit, and though she might say "can't I stay the night?" she'd go back happily. Quite often she'd say "I'm tired, can we go now?". But she had to move because what started as an all ladies 'house' ended up with more men over time and she hated it and constantly worried and complained that they shouldn't be there.

I think we thought she'd be the same at the new place and it isn't. Although perhaps they've not given the best advice? They said she could come and stay overnight "to help her mental health" which seems to be the opposite of what you're saying!

She's always asked (in both) whether she's coming to visit us, and she gets her coat and shoes on ready to come out. She's happy here until we mention home time, and I think my DF feels guilty he didn't spot that she had dementia sooner so wants to make her happy by bringing her here. It's all very difficult!

"Can you call the doctor, I don't feel well?" is a common request if she doesn't want to do something apparently, so perhaps she would take the doctor's advice on going back.

DF is going to have a chat to them at the home as well and see if they have any suggestions. Maybe not bringing her here is the best, but it's tricky when she actively wants to and asks to.

If she’s that unsettled returning I also wonder whether visiting is beneficial.
One approach you could try is going out to get a coffee / nip to the shop with her in the car and then drive her back from that location.
You could also try having another visit booked in advance so she knows when she will be visiting again?

Have you checked if there is anything unsettling her about going back to the new home? (or is it just because it's still new to her?)

I found it best with my mum at this stage to stick to short visits. She would come for afternoon tea, and then go back because it was time for her dinner and they would have it ready for her
An overnight is much too unsettling I think

Perhaps a different care home would help. But I agree with shorter visits. Is her own home now sold.

I agree. Visit her there or take her out for short half day outings or for lunch. But keep her in a familiar place.

Could you try funding out if there is another resident she is friendly with and try saying e.g. Susan will be missing you or whatever. Or maybe buying a little treat such as packet of biscuits or something and saying remember you've got to fetch betty her biscuits she'll be disappointed else. Or saying a staff member is waiting for her as she has her dinner ready. X

My DM didn’t give POA then was sectioned and so had to remain in a community hospital until her guardianship order came through ( before going to care home local to us.). DSis and I were allowed to take her out but we decided against taking her to our houses for all the reasons you are finding so difficult. You are braver than us. Instead we took her to a local beauty spot where she could watch the birds on water and see dogs being walked. We would bring a picnic. We did this every weekend for 3 months. Like a ritual. The difference in 12 weeks was quite remarkable in a sad way. At the beginning she could get in and out the car easily by week 12 it was a struggle even though she was only 6 stone.

I think the the guilt your DF feels is the issue you need to address. Rally around him and let him know he has picked the least worst option for her and the family. Try to show him that bringing her home albeit for a short visit is causing a fresh set of problems. So difficult. And worse when the days are so short.

Does the care home have any regular activities that she genuinely enjoys? If e.g. Tuesday is Bingo day, you can schedule any future visits for a Monday so that when it's time to go there's a ready made "If we don't leave now you'll miss Bingo"

If she is at this stage, I'd stop the home visits all together. Go to her, take something nice for afternoon tea, go and sit outside with her, look at the gardens etc. She isn't going to get any better, so you have to roll with the flow. Have a nice visit but don't take her out .

Take treats in with you and visit her there. It's sad but probably best for her.

@Leah2005 I think it's just because it's new, but it's also "resident-led" and I wonder whether she'd feel safer with a bit more structure.

@Viviennemary Yes, her house has been sold (it was a very long way away). I do wonder whether she'd be better elsewhere (resident-led for her seems to involve getting back into bed during the day!) but there's only so many places that will take her now. She has to be in an EMI place which makes it harder. I think she probably has some level of anxiety/depression on top of the dementia but I don't know how easy it is to treat when they're all mixed together.

She apparently has a UTI (urine dip) and has lost half a stone by refusing to eat, so I think we might be getting to some sort of crisis. The doctor hasn't prescribed antibiotics because she doesn't have a temperature. DF went this afternoon but I haven't heard how it went yet.

It's such a shame because we thought she'd like this home better, and all the other ladies seem happy, but it just isn't suiting her.

Have you been able to dress the care home bedroom at the new place with her own belongings? In these Covid times relatives aren’t always allowed in rooms. My DM has long standing fave items in room and a huge canvas photo of her and my DF when younger so she has familiarity.
The uti can certainly cause distress and a change of mood.