80 year old mum has changed

[Mmmmdanone]

My mum used to be incredibly kind and patient. My dd (17) has always loved her so much. I have always been close to her and never a harsh word was spoken. But recently she has stared to be so judgmental and a bit nasty. Me and dd used to love visiting her but the last few times it has been awful. She did things like make several contents about how slim my brother's dd is. My dd is a bit overweight and although she doesn't mention that directly there's a lot of comments about her eating habits so dd is aware she's being judged.
When we visited before Christmas she said in the evening to put anything we wanted on the TV as she was just reading her newspaper and didn't mind. But when me and dd started watching something she kept making comments about what rubbish it was and how boring. I offered to switch it off but she just said it was fine as she wasn't watching anyway. It's hard to describe but this just isn't her. I was sitting there feeling so uncomfortable and a bit tearful as we had looked forward to visiting. Even though the last few visits have been increasingly difficult we keep thinking she'll go back to her old sweet self. There's loads of other examples too but it's generally just that it feels like she doesn't want us there although she says she does.
So i've started wondering if this is the start of dementia or something. Or is she just fed up with life? I know I should talk to her about it but don't want to make her feel like I'm criticising. I honestly don't feel I can take dd back to visit as she was also upset and mourning the loss of lovely granny.
Anyone else had this sort of personality change in their parent?

Hmm...I've had relatives get snippy like this over the past couple of years, and I think it's due to depression.

A personality change can be a sign of dementia. Or she might be feeling depressed. Wouldn’t hurt to try to get her to see her GP. Also, although the GP can’t talk to you about her, there’s no reason why you shouldn’t write a letter describing all the ways in which she is changing.

Meanwhile work hard on persuading your daughter it’s not grandma who’s saying these things things, it’s whatever she’s suffering from. The comments have no validity, they’re symptoms and no more

I think there is definitely an element of depression. Her friends all think she's amazing though. Whenever I'm visiting a few of her friends will tell me how amazing, kind and helpful she is. (she lives in a block of flats with lots of similar age people- not specifically old people's accommodation but mainly older). So it feels like it's just me she is rude to.

On your DD’s weight, are you able to say you don’t like all the weight talk and your DD finds it upsetting?

Can you have a conversation with your mum and gently point this out? There may be something that she's worried about too that she will then discuss. I did this with mine about confusion, and it turned out she was worried too. It could then prompt a GP appointment.

I've said to mum about the weight talk be she denies doing it! She just says I was only describing (niece's name), not criticising dd but she said it unnecessarily so many times!

It could be as simple as, with all of the lockdowns, she is less used to spending time with other people and is less tolerant as a result. Or it could be the first signs of dementia.

Lockdowns have definitely made her angrier as a person. She really has had a hard couple of years as she was shielding and lives alone. Maybe she just doesn't like people staying in her house anymore. I'm thinking of just getting a hotel next time we go. Or I could go for the day as its only a 70 min drive. I just feel so sad about it.

Mine is similar and with her I believe it's definitely dementia ( she has a diagnosis but it's early stages) . She used to always see the best in people but now is shockingly judgemental and suddenly take a dislike people she's been friends with for decades. She's also completely unaware that she could be upsetting anyone. It's sad.

It is sad. I might have a chat and ask her if she's noticed behaving differently. Although she seems quite proud of telling people "how it is" these days and says its freeing being older as you can say what you think. So maybe she's just enjoying this freedom. But maybe if she realises she's pushing me and dd away she might have a rethink.

My mil and mum.have got a lot more prouder 'saying it how it is' aka being rude. But they was both always rude. It's got worse as they get older. If your mum.. has always been nice, a quite word cant hurt