How have your children coped with elderly grandparents with conditions which could upset them to see?

[Diddytv]

Not quite sure the best way to word this. We are entering a stage with my parents where both health deteriorating. My dads condition is physically deteriorating. He has a rare condition which means he is shaking more and more. He can still walk but not sure how long for. My youngest is 9 and both my children tend to worry about things and often come to me with worries. I am wondering how best to manage them dealing with grandparent illness. My mother is more forgetful these days but it is similar to my own grandmother so I remember dealing with that and think I will manage that better with the kids.

Just wondered if anyone has any words of wisdom who has been there before?

My dc have been fine. We just explained things in a calm, matter of fact way. For example "grandad has poorly knees so he needs to use a stick to help him get around". I find children are quite accepting of different illnesses and disabilities as long as you explain it to them in a way they can understand.

I dunno. We were always very matter of fact I think . Grandads walking isn’t good. He’s got such and such condition ( Parkinson’s ?) … yes it’ll probably get worse as time goes on but he’s still grandad and we all love him and he loves us. Etc. Talk about the worries. Reality often less bad than imaginings.

My kids were young teens when my parents started to really deteriorate. I still have fond memories of 13yr old son holding his granddads arm walking round town.

Thanks that’s very reassuring to hear. It isn’t Parkinson’s but the symptoms are similar. And because it is a rare condition we don’t really know what path it will take, but he seems to be deteriorating quickly at the moment 😞

I feel your pain OP - I'm in a similar situation and DS is the same age. DF had a lengthy hospital stay last year which made things much worse.

DS seems ok with it but I do worry as he tends to bottle things up. DD3 is pretty matter of fact - "Grampa has a wheelchair because his legs don't work."

My teenage nieces and nephews appeared to find the deterioration much harder to deal with it.

Yes Haribomuncher it probably depends on each child’s how sensitive they are. And also sometimes younger actually manage easier as more matter of fact. I think also how I handle it can make a difference. It is all a learning curve

My DC are young adults and my middle DS in particular is finding my DM’s dementia really hard. It’s got to the stage where he avoids seeing her.
My 2 youngest found their other nan’s death really difficult, they were A level and uni age and both needed counselling after.

My mum started using a wheelchair around the same time as my youngest stopped using a pushchair so she grew up with an awareness of disability. My parents lived with us though so it wasn't as though there was a deterioration between visits.

She just accepted that Gma couldn't walk and just got on with it.

I have essential tremor so also a shaker with an unknown future. My kids have ALWAYS known about my condition and how shit my future might be.

I always try to be honest with my kids re stuff like this, sometimes maybe brutally so, but that also means they really ask questions and chat about things that might otherwise plague sheltered kids.

In all honesty, after a few years of contact and DS starting to find Grandad scary I have kept him away from it and I just visit my dad on my own. I find my dad’s condition scary, and heartbreaking to be around. Mostly I feel like a useless visitor now. In the old days my DS did see him 1 a week, sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn’t. I think my dad probably has the same condition as yours, I don’t mention it on here because posters are too quick to respond with very insensitive and unhelpful comments that it has taken me years of counselling to deal with.

We’ve reached a happy medium.

Started by being upfront: everyone gets old, age often comes with illness. DC accept that far more than adults do. Encourage them to help the old person.

But there are limits to what DC should be exposed to. We keep them away from loud dementia, drunk geriatric misbehaviour and people so infantilised by senility they need cleaning and feeding. That stuff frightens adults and it will frighten children too.

My DCs have always been exposed to it, as from pre-toddler-age they knew that mummy had "baddy bones" and have been exposed to me needing eg personal care. This was then used in a very simple way to explain dementia as my Nan deteriorated and died, as her "baddy brain" - elaborated to explain what was happening as they got older and understood more.

By the time my eldest DS was 5 my DH (and DMIL) were both using a wheelchair. The DC used to love it when they could sit on dads/MIL lap in the wheelchair and he/she could read to them, bottle feed them, and later help them do their homework. Later as carers were needed (and as I work fulltime) the carers became familiar faces and part of our extended family. We've always been honest about DHs and DMIL health issues (as age appropriate) but very clear to draw a line with how the DC could help each other out so that they didn't feel like child carers. They've grown up to be caring, empathetic and self reliant DC and two of them decided to study medicine/OT (maybe in part because of their childhood?)
However DCs cousins who are similar age now really struggle with visiting or zooming DH/DMIL as they find their deterioration upsetting (embarassing?) Despite them being around our house a lot as kids they havent developed empathy or understanding and that really upsets DH/DMIL.

Mine watched my DM deteriorate with physical issues and dementia in their teens. They were both good at adapting their relationship with her to suit the current circumstances and would take things to show her and talk about. One was able to visit the care home more often and would happily and patiently spoonfeed her Granny once that was needed. Her attitude was that Granny used to spoonfeed her as a baby so it was only fair.