My mum has retreated

[mangoandraspberries]

My mum is in her early 70s. During covid, she has retreated into herself a lot, and seems to have lost the motivation to go anywhere or do anything.

She'll go to shops cafes etc if we organise it and take her, but never instigates it herself. She'll say a few words in conversation, but generally leaves it to my dad to talk for them. She never had many friends outside of family, but has now even stopped arranging to see her sisters etc (although they were never that close). She follows my dad everywhere and he now does all the cooking. She also frequently loses her bag etc, even though they are in the next room.

I'm assuming it's dementia, although my dad hasn't mentioned it. Mixed with fear of covid. I've been wondering whether to discuss with my dad or not - he acknowledges she has changed, but blames it on fear of covid and getting older only.

Are there any benefits to a diagnosis of dementia? I don't want to upset them and from what I have read there is no treatment.

I live in a different country, but they visit quite frequently. It's so hard, I feel like I have largely lost her already.

It is very difficult when you live so far away. Maybe try a tactful discussion with your dad after Christmas? 💐

It could be the beginning of dementia, the following your dad everywhere and losing possessions are signs.

Depending on the type of dementia, there are treatments which slow down the progression of the disease so it is definitively worth getting a diagnosis. However, it may be difficult to get her to the doctors as she will insist there is nothing wrong.

I would have a chat with your dad after Christmas when you next visit. I think you will be able to see if she is getting worse and take steps from there. Sometimes you can just say that she needs a check up with the GP and try and get her there that way. What is her memory like generally?

When FIL started showing dementia symptoms he became very quiet and fearful. I assume he had a inkling what was happening and was worried about saying or doing the wrong thing so retreated into himself. Honestly I don't know a diagnosis would have helped him but maybe it would have helped his partner.

Yes get a diagnosis ( if it’s appropriate) as soon as possible. My mother was going dramatically down hill. It seemed that every time I saw her ( every other day) she’d forgotten something else. Mum was a bit prone to falls and because she was on warfarin every time she fell we ended up in A and E. They ask her questions every time and when she couldn’t answer them, they would look at me and say, “aren’t you worried about her memory?” Every blessed time I would reply “ yes, but her gp is rubbish so could you do a referral to the memory team from A and E?” Always the same answer “ no it has to come from gp” Eventually by making various formal complaints, I got the memory team referral. They diagnosed her with mixed dementia which is basically two lots, Alzheimer’s and vascular dementia. But this diagnosis meant she started on medication immediately. Obviously it can’t make it better but it massively stopped the rapid decline. The memory team by looking at head scans she had had every time she fell showed she had started dementia 3 years before I managed to get her diagnosed. Had she started that medication 3 years earlier so much would have been easier. She may have been able to stay in her home for longer for one. A piece of advice I give people if they ask ,is keep a diary of symptoms and things they say or forget . That was so helpful in getting the diagnosis .

Thanks everyone, really useful, sorry for slow reply. Agree I need to have a tactful conversation after the holidays. Thank you.