Mum is lying/minimising/exaggerating and it's destroying me/my family.

[Fuuuuuckit]

Would like to preface this by saying I completely understand that she's terrified about a cancer diagnosis

Mum is mid 70s, lives independently, is currently awaiting appt for diagnosis and treatment plan for lung cancer. She also has COPD.

She's a lonesome old bird, never had many friends, has always been glass half empty and so folk (including family) keep her at polite arms length. I live locally so have been called upon to attend appointments with her, also day to day bits and bobs.

Except what she tells people about the appointments is a million miles from what has been discussed. She told the oncologist she thinks the lung/cardiac function tests are wrong and lied about what she is able to do (6 hour walks when she can barely get upstairs). Oncologist has requested invasive biopsies to help make a plan (having told her everything is suggesting that it is cancer, vanishingly unlikely to be anything else, has already discussed treatment options in depth which depend on biopsy results) but she's telling people that she has no idea and is dreading being told its cancer. Told her incredibly supportive brothers that she's no idea who's taking her to appointments or looking after her for 24 hours when I immediately agreed to do it weeks before (no memory issues and admits that she's done this despite me agreeing to help).

Has admitted that she doesn't expect that my brother will be able to help much (Big Important Job, wife and kids) yet I'm not being supportive enough (similarly important job, single parent, own health issues). Will not accept any outside support and is expecting me to do everything.

I can't do it. I just can't. I've got so much of my own going on - work/kids/my own health/financial worries/exh being an asshole/my own MH, and I'm done with her minimising to everyone else so they've got no idea how much help she's going to need.

We had joint counselling 8 years ago after a previous cancer experience when I was busting a gut (but still got criticised for not helping enough), and she admitted at the time how unfair it was and that she could see how her behaviour made me feel. Yet here we are again. My relationship with my brother is in tatters as I'm becoming so resentful. My uncles think I'm a shit daughter (despite them confirming she'd given them false information). Yet I'm not allowed to say anything because it might be cancer which she's already been told it is I know she's terrified it's cancer. But I'm scared that my mum has cancer too.

Please tell my how to do some self-preservation/boundary establishing?

My approach was to decide what I could realistically do, and then email my dm and copy in my sisters.

"Hi Mum, thinking about your latest hosp appointments etc, I can help with X,Y, Z." And stuck to it. It meant everyone knew what I'd offered and it was up to siblings to add their bits.

People do sometimes hear what they want to hear though. They minimise symptoms, convince themselves the drs are wrong. Forget things. It can be a lot to take in. Misunderstandings happen. Maybe it isn't all intentional.

Thanks @MintJulia, she's admitted the minimising, as she asks me to make notes at each appointment and we go over them afterwards. She refuses to do email/text/WhatsApp so any discussion I have with relatives is seen as interference and trouble-causing.

I think we need a big gathering once The Plan is finalised so everyone is clear of the situation.

Get everyone in the help team together and discuss. Frankly if she's not there it might be better. Say what you plan to do. But be clear if she lies you are out.

Be really clear and open what happened last time and about the concealing, lying and counseling. If she doesn't like you going behind her back, tough, she's created the problem.

Can you set up a family Google calendar so all the appointments are visible to family? You can add notes to it.

I think I would set up a group WhatsApp setting out everything that needs to be done and (if possible) sharing some of the load and also so that everyone can see just how much you are taking on and what an impact this is having on your life. The fact that she doesn't do email/WhatsApp is her problem. Perhaps suggest to her that one of the things she can do to help you (and herself) is to engage with a group discussion.

This must be so hard for you, particularly when others in the family are being less than supportive.

make a whatsapp group without her in it.

Keep it up to date.
be clear - Mum is not giving you all the information, I wnat everyone to be in the picture.

1. doctor said X Y Z
2. I have offered A B C

She could do with help with .... Can any of you step in.

Tell her you are doing it, because she is being unfair with information and you are getting the backlash.

Call her out on the misinformation, and remind her of the counselling previously.

That all sounds harsh, but I would be doing it NOW becuase this is going to be a long haul and you need to have everyone on the same page.

I'd say that you need to have a family conference about her health. Explain to your brother and her brothers, exactly what is wrong with her and what needs to be done going forward. Tell them that she is scared, and is making up stories to minimise the situation, and tell them that you'll communicate with them about her. Keep them up to date with what her treatment is, and what you need them to do.

What she says to the oncologist doesn't really matter, to be honest. She can tell him all the BS she likes about 6 hour walks, but he knows what people can and can't do when they have lung disease. He would also know that his patients would often try to convince themselves that they are OK when they are not. I wouldn't worry about what she says to him. If she has lung cancer she is on a journey which is well known to the doctor, and nothing she says can alter that.

Goodness. What a situation to be in!

My mum was diagnosed with a terminal disease about 5 years ago. It really messed with her head. She started acting really strangely, cutting off all friends and family and basically buried her head in the sand, whilst also giving in to the fact that she was dying and, I think, giving in to the point where she actually died years before she should've done. We were told that prognosis was 5-10 years, but as her condition was found accidentally whilst investigating a broken bone, and that symptoms hadn't yet started she would have at least 10-15 years. She was dead 4 years after diagnosis.

I can see some similarities with your mum and mine. She would tell different people different things, and it was only after her death that we found out that she hadn't attended loads of appointments, even though we could have taken her to them.

It was very difficult to get the truth from her, whereas before she was diagnosed she could never keep a secret and was very open with me and other family.

I really don't know what to suggest, maybe some counselling would be beneficial for you? Also, as the previous poster suggests, copy others in to emails or have a group WhatsApp.

Don’t be afraid to speak up in these appointments if she’s lying.

I agree that what she tells the doctors is neither here nor there. They are used to having all types of patients a d besides, it isn't your responsibility.

When it comes to your family, well it depends how much they mean to you. If your brother judges you based on what your mum has said, then more fool him. And where is he when help is needed?

Honestly I think you need to accept that you cannot manage this situation for your mum. She is trying to manipulate you presumably because it gives her a sense of control when in reality her life is ending, but you don't have to allow yourself to be manipulated.

It sounds as though she's nigh impossible to help or please anyway.

Let her know exactly what you can and can't do, then do it, but keeping your own needs and those of your children's uppermost.

If others choose to judge you, that says a lot about them.

But I don't think your mum is suddenly going to have a personality change or that your family is going to appreciate you anymore than they have in the past.

Preserve your energy for yourself and your children, they'll still be there when you're through this.

Sorry because it's extremely challenging and there's no easy way.

Get a group WhatsApp without her, as she has told you she doesn’t want to do it. Tell them she has said she doesn’t want to do a WhatsApp but so she can get the support she needs and so everyone is in the loop it’s probably best . Then crack in and deal with everything on there. Tell everyone what is going on, ask everyone to say when they are popping in advance so everyone knows they can do a different day, set out what you are doing and can’t do. Your mum is not going to change, you can only change how you interact… there will be fall out because family members want to believe her rhetoric as they can blame you and actually do very little. Dm won’t like her pity party being removed (harshly worded but honestly she’s being awful) so will demand you stop but you mustn’t. If you don’t do it now you will be in the same or possibly worse place in 3 -6 months time, especially if it is cancer. Good luck op

Thanks all. And for allowing me to feel like I'm not the evil creature I'm being set up to be.

Her next big appointment is tomorrow. Good idea re the group chat - she's adamant that she doesn't do Internet or mobile phones, but the rest of us do, so I'll be making that a non-negotiable. Hopefully they'll have some sort of timetable so we can set up some sort of rota, my work have been great so far but they're expecting that I'm not the only one supporting.

Thanks again.

I've already told her that I'm not doing any extra running about for everyday things eg grocery shopping and banking - I do all of my own online to save myself time, yet even during lockdown she refused any offer of adding to my weekly shop, yet 2 days later needed half a trolley of necessities. And I've signed her up for online banking.

She has refused to even have a conversation about POA or making a will, yet I'll be the one expected to sort all this out.

You maybe the one expected bug that doesn't mean you have to do it...

Have just been through this with MIL and I really appreciate how you feel and also her fear.....but doesn't change how/who she is... we did manage to get MIL to sort her will by phoning her solicitor and getting them to come out at an agreed time...whilst still got capacity thats all you can do... we never got POA sorted....took a few attempts for MIL to even see the consultant..never mind tests

Put a list on the WhatsApp what u think needs doing.....what you'll do and its up to the others to say what they will/won't do..

Pace yourself and protect some time and space/support for yourself...the oxygen mask analogy is very true...