Advice on dealing with negative, OCD elderly parents at Xmas

[PMani]

Due to housing issues (long story) I'm having to spend longer than planned at my parents for Xmas (usually I spend a week or less, I'm there for 3 weeks now).

They have repeatedly said down the years that I am welcome to visit and stay any time, that I can move back in if I want to to save money etc etc. When I was out of work for a bit during lockdown they almost insisted that I come back (I didn't). They have plenty of money and a big house, so I am hardly imposing - I just sit quietly doing my work. However being here I do not feel particularly welcome at all.

They have spent their lives ignoring their numerous personal, psychological and marital problems. The atmosphere growing up was often stifling and I never felt comfortable reaching out to them, even over minor things like learning to shave (I taught myself). Their attitude is 'you had a roof over your head and food on the table - what more do you expect'? If now and again they felt guilty they would chuck cash at me or buy me an expensive toy etc. All of their siblings/parents are/were messed up in some way - alcoholism, depressed, anger problems.

Sadly they have seriously declined since retiring 5 years ago. My dad has spun off into a depressed funk, says very little, and just mopes about the house all day doing nothing. My mother has OCD (possibly diagnosed autism/aspergers) and dealing with her rigidity is draining. If I so much a spill a few toast crumbs she flies into a rage. If I go out for a walk she insists on knowing where I'm going and when I'll be back. She has zero notion of the effect of her actions on others, including my dad who just sits their and takes it (has for years), occasionally grumbling to himself in resentment, or attempting to placate her. Neither of them go out that often, have any friends, or hobbies other than watching TV. They both seem resigned to each and their situation.

I have tried repeatedly down the years to shift from a parent-child relationship to an adult-adult one. They are simply incapable of making that transition, except perhaps if I do a flying visit for a day. I buy food for the house, have offered to help clean, cook meals, contribute to the bills etc. I make numerous suggestions about places we could go, restaurants we could try etc. etc. They just dismiss it out of hand, moan that I've bought the wrong items, that I'd make a mess if I cooked.

Any advice as to how to stay sane for the next 3 weeks?

I think if it were me i would go and stay at an air B & B - it doesn't sound like they are going to change albeit temporarily.

You're not going to change them now. Limit visits to day time visits. If you need somewhere to sleep then stay at a hotel.

Do you have friends who you can visit? I think spending as little time as possible with them is key. Plan lots of outings and events.

Plus, keep your expectations low.

Yep, get out and catch up with friends as much as possible! Sign up for a walking challenge if you have to ... Bring a load of good books. Any paperwork you need to catch up on?
If you need to distract them, ask them about their childhood, early adulthood (but be prepared to throw the gear lever swiftly into reverse if the topic is sensitive). Perhaps take up knitting (the references to shaving suggest you're a man, but, you know, I know trainspotters who knit, you can't get more stereotypically male than that...).

Feel free to rant on the Stately Homes thread if you need to vent... They understand there that parents are by no means perfect!

Assuming that you couldn't afford a hotel, could you imagine up some sort of work scenario where you need to be out of the house every day, and find somewhere else to go? Some cafe/bar places let you rent a desk for the day. Or if you don't have to work you could see friends, visit places, do anything really. Then limit your evening time with them - shower/bath, read in your room etc. Do you have any siblings who can offer moral support?

Thanks guys.

I wrote that first rant-ish etc post in the aftermath of my mom throwing a tantrum because she got locked out of her email account (she's a bit of a boomer stereotype when it comes to IT - it was a very simple quick fix I was happy to help with, made near unbearable as she sits there swearing away, chiding me to do it quicker etc). We could go into the psychology of this - fear of loss of control, anxiety masked as anger, feelings of inferiority and of being left behind by the the world, uncontrollable OCD etc. And I have in the past - did all that shrink stuff. Even raised some of it with them - not that they took any interest. Frankly I no longer care. They won't change now at their age.

Anyway 75% of the time it's ok. Not great but ok. Maybe 25% of that time its even good - we have conversations about current events, plans, family etc. I think to myself - 'wow, finally, a mature relationship is beginning to be established'. Then inevitably that other 25% will emerge. It's one of the reasons I find it a strain being here - I've got no idea day-to-day (sometime hour-to-hour) what mood they'll in and what might trigger them off.

There's no point looking for a new place right now due to Xmas shutdowns etc. and the costs of staying in a hotel for weeks on end will be huge. Rather pointless anyway seeing as I'll have be here for Xmas eve-Boxing day anyway as per family tradition. I'll just focus on that 75%, do my best to ignore the 25%, get out asap after the New Year bank hols are out the way, and go back to my old routine of visiting for a weekend every 3-4 months.

Can you detach mentally? Pretend you’re an independent observer, sent to assess them. Simply note any comments as observations. If you can put the parent-child emotional ties to one side, it’s easier to cope with

Just 100% accept them as they are. If they want to cook let them cook. If they want to go no where let them go nowhere. People can get very set in their ways as they get older so just leave them sit there.
I have friend in a very highly responsible job where he manages tons of people. He lives abroad and has managed to keep himself safe. But when he returns to visit his parents and goes out to catch up with friends they are waiting up for him looking anxious when he gets home. He thinks it's hilarious. Don't try to change them..its too late.
And l am years younger than them and my adult dc get so impatient when l need help with anything online..we were not all brought up in the age of computers so patience!!!