Father Critisising Teenager

[Charliesunnysky10]

My dad is 78 and has become anxious and withdrawn over the last 18 months. He is also quite demanding and needy because he has nobody to bounce off. My mum died 20 years ago and he has a lady friend who lives an hour away but since covid he's nervous about using the trains, and driving worries him so he no longer sees her.

He has never babysat or played with my kids, though he has come round in the evening to watch the house while they've been asleep, and when they were older just been downstairs as an adult on the premises. He's occasionally asked then how they're getting on at school but there's no kind of relationship. My eldest is at Uni now, and the younger one 14, but she's sullen and awkward round him, and he says to me she is rude, and ignorant because I often invite him over as I'm conscious he is lonely, and she stays in her room. He recently got a smart phone and is causing quite a few problems with it, texting random hurtful and troublemaking messages to myself and my hubby. He has nothing to do all day and is semi-reclusive, so he overthinks. I work full time, and do volunteer work 2 evenings and my hubby works away at Heathrow during the week. My son at Uni also works a 30 hour week so we are all quite busy, but Dad will text, expecting an instant response because he looks at his phone all day. I've explained that we oftdo look at our phones (son & I aren't allowed on them at work except emergencies and breaktimes). He sends messages saying how disappointed he is with us which really upsets me, but I understand he's lonely and feels isolated. However I'm a bit torn because I really have to watch my own mental health. I trained for a marathon earlier this year and he was very negative about it, saying it will kill me. And I actually dropped out of training because he convinced me I was being selfish, but then I put on a stone and he started making me feel fat because he said I have to modify my diet because I don't exercise. And I just thought I was being controlled/gaslighted so I managed to get my training back on track and did the marathon in the end. But it was almost in spite of him, because he holds me back with his negativity. But often he is complimentary and offers supportive words when I'm down. I just feel it's all part of a kind of subconscious effort to be in control because he has not much else.
I mention this just to give perspective. I'm prepared to have a chat with my son and daughter and ask them to be a bit more accommodating, given his situation But it's really tough sometimes striking a balance between supporting him with the little free time I have and trying not to take on board the unkind negative remarks.
How can I change the way I approach this so we have a better relationship with him?

There's a reason some people deserve to be alone at Xmas, because they treat others like shit all year round.

I refused to go to my Grandma's house from the age of fourteen, because she was so vile to me.

Next time he complains about her, I genuinely think you should tell him why she's staying in her room.

It's tough: I feel for you.

I'm sorry others are dealing with this too.

To be fair he's never said anything bad to her, he has just never taken any interest in her. He never knew his own grandparents so has not had the opportunity to see how it can be done and he wasn't around much for me, as my sister succumbed to Cystic Fibrosis at 6 and I was 4. He threw himself into work but never got over it, and losing my mum to MND when he was only 55 was very tough. He's always been prone to mental health struggles and was only forced to address it when working. He retired early with stress at 52 - he was a headteacher ironically. After he retired he was not under any obligation to seek counselling or any treatment so has 'managed' it himself.

At the table he will ask out of interest what she is covering at school, which seems like an olive branch, albeit a bit clunky. But she gives one word replies because it's an awkward situation and like many teenagers shed prefer to have her food and go.

It is less awkward to have him over when she's out at sports training. I just try to do a nice meal once a week for the 4 of us (son lives down south at uni), and is rarely back on a Sunday as he works weekends.

We're a family of only children, no cousins, so he's my only living relative and I'm his only one too. I don't want to cut him off, I want to try to manage the relationship so we can do exist. But as I say, I realise this might mean not having him over when my daughter is around.