I need to vent!

[BooseysMom]

Hi,
I apologise in advance as this may be a long post! I will try and keep it as short as I can. Basically my DM passed away 5 years ago and at her bedside when she died I was there with my DF and certain members of my family who told my DF that he need never be alone. Well since this they have hardly bothered with him, not even to call, and his care has been left solely to me. He's 84 and in great shape for his age but is VERY needy and I think the family just can't be arsed with him!
I have a daily phone call to DF and am there at his flat sometimes 3x per week and take him to all his appointments as he can't drive. I'm suffering with peri menopausal symptoms which keep me up at night and last night was just awful. I kept imagining being at DF's funeral and shouting at the family for basically just not bothering. I have the eulogy in my head for when the time comes but should I be honest or do what I always do and smile and say nothing? I know they will all suddenly come out of the woodwork when
they think there's something in it for them, so if there was a time to say anything it would be then! What would you do?
Thank you for reading this. I am going out of my mind and the stress of looking after DF and my young DC is getting to me.

I think it often falls on the shoulders of one child to do all the caring and for the other siblings to duck out/live far away/not care. It certainly ended up this way for DH and I. Both have siblings and both are/were the only carers for our parents. It certainly makes me bitter. I'm 'wonderful' apparently

Firstly, sympathies with the poor sleeping and juggling. No fun.
Communication.
Can you be absolutely sure that your siblings would refuse if they were actually asked to do something specific.
Do you talk to them on a weekly / fortnightly basis to discuss their DF’s needs?
It might be that you put your DF and all of them in a WhatsApp chat so they have a window into his and your world. Sounds like that window is your exclusive vantage point.
If they are communicated to and with regularly, and still refuse then at least you know you made them aware.

@freshcarnation..thanks for your post. Yes you are exactly right and it's always the women who beat the brunt. Men are nowhere to be seen! It's a good job women are so wonderful really!

@Mum5net.. thanks for your post and sympathies.. I have one brother who i believe is aware of what I am doing for my DF. The one time DF asked him to help out with an appointment I couldn't make, he point blank refused. He just doesn't want to put himself out. We used to have a family WhatsApp but it soon broke down and everyone went their separate ways.

It is very hard as our parents get older. My mother is 90. She does her best to be as independent as possible Andi do my best to support her to the best of my ability. I do her shopping, some of her laundry, help her to choose presents on line, occasionally take her on a shopping trip by or on out to o lunch. Take her to appointments and have her over every Sunday for lunch. She is a cheerful soul and I don't begrudge any of it. But ...but there is always more we could do. Tonight she was hinting for DH to go over and put Christmas lights up around the outside of her house. DH and I are coming up for 70 and. As much as I would like outside lights myself, I don't ask DH as he is a bit dizzy and unsteady on ladders. Does she understand this?!! Not really! She is coming to us for Christmas. Will have a lovely day with our family and grandchildren. She will have lovely presents and a stocking with theatre tickets in the hearth. I, at 69, quite happy to do all the cooking, hosting ext, but she has no clue how busy I am at this time. This is a long winded way of saying you can only do so much op. You can't make others put themselves out. My own dB is quite thoughtful, but will only go so far in his offers of help. I can't make him help more. What I have learnt though is that I can't fill all the gaps. Take care of yourself op. You are important too and I have found that when I value my self and own needs others value me more as well 💐

More sympathies regarding your DB. Are you pretty sure if you asked him to do other tasks which weren’t taking your DF to appointments he’d still refuse? I’m just imagining his defence would be ‘you never asked, I thought you were managing fine’
He sounds awful.
I guess all you can do is to seek agency/ care support to help DF and his increasing needs. Attendance Allowance is non-means tested and might pay for someone to come sit with him an afternoon a week and take the strain.
Hope you get better sleep tonight

Smiling and saying nothing never helps. Be honest with your family tell them you are struggling and that you need their help. And yell them your aDad needs there help. Do it in whatever way is the most easiest for you....in person, by text, by phone call in a letter. Whatever it is just tell them.

It's a tough situation, I sympathise. I have a small family - just me and my brother now - and when my nan, DF and uncle died, my brother was nowhere to be seen. He did come to their funerals, but didnt pitch I
to help with a single thing. He claimed he "couldnt cope" with hospitals, so didnt see my dad on his death bed.

Then my lovely mum was all alone, and of course I stepped in to help for 11 years, because I adored her. She died aged 84 in October this year. My brother, this time, again didnt come to see her in hospital, but also didn't come to the funeral, didnt help with any arrangements for anything. He is co-executor but he doesn't have time for that - happy to take the money when I've sorted it all out and has generously told me to "take what time I need" to get it done.

It bites, honestly. I didnt mind doing stuff for my mum as I loved her. But it rankled that my brother never did a single thing, and my mum wasnt dumb, she noticed. I would remind him of Mother's Day, anniversaries etc. I remember once he came to visit mum, years ago, and stayed for a week. He made my mum run around doing everything for him, poor old lady was run ragged. I said, while he was there, please could he help her sort out something on her Sky account I hadnt had time for. Guess what, in a whole week of doing nothing he simply "didn't get time for it."

I think you need to at least TRY to mention it strongly to your family. The thing is, they have decided you are default in charge of the decisions, of the caring. It entirely rests with you. None of them, on their own initiative, will DO anything. They just leave it to good old, willing you. But at least if you do specifically allocate tasks you can see what response you get.

You could try a guilt trip. "Dad mentioned, he's worried I'm the only one carrying all of his care. It is true, I'm run ragged. You did offer to help when mum was dying, and now I need help as I am completely overwhelmed. So I need you to do xyz."

You could also be more direct. "Look, it rankles that you simply assume I'm going to do everything. I do it because i love dad and he knows it. So when you do nothing, what do you think he takes from that? You arent useless, and yet you choose to stand by passively. You never check in with me, you never offer to help. It goes beyond just a lack of care, it speaks to a truth that you appear not to love him, and by extension mum too, since you promised her you WOULD help. For dad's sake, it would be nice to evidence your love by actually being there to help him when he needs you. Dad knows you'll gladly pick up your share of the inheritance when the time comes, and honestly I don't know how you can live with yourself. Are you really so selfish that you can't see what you're doing to dad, and to me? I've kept my peace for so long, but I had to say something because dad has what, a maximum of ten or 15 years left, and for the last 5 you've done naff all. You've still got time to salvage your relationship with him and with me, if you want to keep the good opinion of either of us, if it means anything at all, then STEP UP."

Look, it rankles that you simply assume I'm going to do everything. I do it because i love dad and he knows it. So when you do nothing, what do you think he takes from that? You arent useless, and yet you choose to stand by passively. You never check in with me, you never offer to help. It goes beyond just a lack of care, it speaks to a truth that you appear not to love him, and by extension mum too, since you promised her you WOULD help. For dad's sake, it would be nice to evidence your love by actually being there to help him when he needs you. Dad knows you'll gladly pick up your share of the inheritance when the time comes, and honestly I don't know how you can live with yourself. Are you really so selfish that you can't see what you're doing to dad, and to me? I've kept my peace for so long, but I had to say something because dad has what, a maximum of ten or 15 years left, and for the last 5 you've done naff all. You've still got time to salvage your relationship with him and with me, if you want to keep the good opinion of either of us, if it means anything at all, then STEP UP.

@PennyWus has done the work and absolutely says it beautifully, OP, just send that text word for word today, why wait a second longer?

Are you getting any help with your menopause? I suffered terribly for ten years with sleepless nights and hot flushes trying out various diets and herbal remedies, then saw a specialist and within FOUR days of taking hormone replacements, was sleeping properly again. Not getting enough sleep just starts your day dragged back.
Don’t know what to offer on your slacker family, pp have covered it well.

OP, huge sympathies.

This is a problem that will only intensify, and if your Dad is in good shape, could go on for another 8 years.

After Christmas I would call a family meeting. Say that you are doing all you can at present, and lay out your Dad’s needs.

Talk about how these can be met: you can’t do more, what can they take on? Dies your Dad have savings? Tell them he will need to start using them to pay for care and ultimately sell the house and go into a home.

That might pique their inheritance interest.

Also bring up the emotional issue. It is a strain on you to do it all alone, and your Dad feels it that your siblings are not present.

If he dies not have savings, look at what care he may be entitled to. Attendance Allowance? Carer visits?

Thank you everyone for your lovely posts and advice. I will try to reply to everyone individually...

@shiningstar2 ...I think you are doing a great job looking after your DM and you are so right when you say you have to take time to look after yourself too. Thank you

@Mum5net.. I did sleep better thank you. I think getting it off my chest really helps and I love my fellow mumsnetters! Tbh I'm not sure if he knows or cares how much I do. But I am beginning to think he's the one who will be worse off as I'm getting to spend time with DF and we actually get on really well most of the time. So my brother is missing out by staying away.
Yes that's a great idea to send the message from Penny word for word..see what he makes of that!

@MeltedButter.. thank you. Yes I do need to speak to them and it's going to have to be soon!

@PennyWus... brilliant post and advice thank you . I'm sorry to hear that your brother didn't even come to the funerals. It really does rankle and you can't help feeling bitter towards him. So it was ok for him to state he couldn't cope but you had no choice?!
I do need to get tougher on him though and the good thing is dad agrees with everything so I won't have to contend with his resentment.
Thank you

@PerseverancePays.. thank you . Well I have tried HRT but it didn't help and I really need to go back to the gp. I've started blood pressure tablets now too. I suffer with anxiety and depression but don't really want to add anti depressants to the list.

@EdgeOfTheSky.. thank you . A meeting sounds like a good idea. I just need to summon up the courage! For years I was the younger sibling being bullied by him and others. (Not wanting to t go into too much detail)
DF doesn't own a house so there is no inheritance to speak of but he has decided to change his will to include me, whereas before it was just my brother on it..so I feel much better now that I am appreciated
I looked into Carers Allowance but don't think I would qualify.
Thanks again x

.

@BooseysMom I am glad you have found a safe space to vent. We all need to vent at times.
In this whole process, it is important to feel appreciated and respected for your efforts, so it's very heartening your DF is recognising your support. Unless you tell your DB exactly how you feel then he will always say, You should have said, even if these are empty words. Really sorry your DB has caused previous issues.
Doubly sorry your current peri menopausal symptoms are so acute. Hopefully, you can raise the symptoms with your GP before Christmas. There are threads on other Mumsnet pages that have good tips.
As regards Allowances, specifically google ATTENDANCE allowance as that is non means tested and you might well qualify. Phone the helpline number and ask for the form to be posted out to you. Telephone: 0800 731 0122. If it is posted to you, and you are successful, you will be about £300-400 better off than if you just download the form. The claim will be backdated to the week of your phone call rather than when you actually fill out the submitted form. It is worth £60 a week which would pay for a helper to visit your DF once a week.
Update us when you send the text @PennyWus composed.

My advice is good, I think. But I should say, I didnt ever have that conversation with my brother. Perhaps I should have laid it on the line, but i suspect it wouldnt have changed anything.

In the end, I decided simply to forgive him.

This took a lot of energy. I've tried to understand that his caring capabilities are just missing. If you asked me to learn to fly a plane, I'd say no - I just don't have the coordination or guts to do it. And I think he has the same kind of issues with caring and helping. It comes across as really selfish. As you point out, at what point did I get to make a choice whether I wanted to take on the burden of care, the career sacrifices that it involved? He just assumed I would, because he couldnt/wouldnt. It is both sexist and unfair. He never really said sorry or thank you. But I chose to forgive him, as the alternative is losing him too, and I have no other relatives (except my kids and DH - DH by the way is still appalled at my brother's behaviour and hasnt spoken to him in months!)

Deep in my heart I always knew it would be this way, and my caring side is enough. There is a huge amount of stress and emotional pain involved in caring for someone, and also some awful feelings (like a bit of relief when it's finally over). But I think the pay-back is high too; I'm really proud of how I cared for my mum, and we became very close. It was very rewarding at times. I was lucky she was rational, and grateful, and tried to stay independent. We were a great team; she became my best friend and we had a lot of laughs. I knew her mind on everything; she knew me better than I know myself.

The only thing now I'd change, is that I'd have been more patient with her - sometimes I got so frustrated at her ageing process, I just wanted her to stay young and capable. I let my own stress leak out a bit and wasnt always kind to her. But I think she understood, and she knew I loved her to bits. Even when I was so exhausted and lonely I didnt think I could go on, I did. I found a strength, I'd go so far to say a spirituality, that carried me through.

My brother did miss out on that. And he doesn't even know he missed out on it. He just saw it all as a big hassle, I suppose.

I do wish you really good luck OP. xx

@Mum5net..thanks very much for this. It does seem to land all at once! Peri menopausal on top of useless family and needy father!

@PennyWus.. thank you. Your brother sounds so similar to mine. I think I will most probably do the same as you, decide to forget him the way he has forgotten us. Like you say, it's the assumption the woman will do the caring just because the man can't or won't do it. And to not even acknowledge what you did for your mum. Awful. I'm sorry you had this to deal with.
Well I think you have a great deal to feel proud about and like you say, your brother missed out on that time with her because he was too closed off or always too busy or just didn't want to face what was happening. That is what my brother is like, he won't accept that people get old and need support .. so I wonder who will care for him when he needs it. He will be lucky if he has someone to do that for him when the time comes.