Christmas and Relative in a Care Home

[lingus]

Just airing my thoughts I guess.

My mother is in a care home. In a wheelchair and can not stand has to be hoisted.

She has dementia but we are not sure what she understands. SHe finds it hard to find the correct word but does know me - thinks my brother is my husband.

We have conversation but although sentences etc we are not sure of their meaning. Last visit we had to rush back to her room as the Queen was coming for tea.

Christmas the care home say we could bring her out, she wears pads so will not need the loo, we would have to pay for a wheelchair taxi to collect her. OUr house has some steps but I guess we could buy ramps etc to make this work.

However I am overwhelmed by the idea - do I need to man up, get a grip or are my concerns valid.

I am also struggling with what will the home think if she is left there on Christmas Day etc - totally errational but playing on my mind.

Covid is also playing a part we will all be tested but at the care home residents are only tested once a month - although I guess I could ask for a lft before/if she comes out.

My MIL came to ours the year before last for Christmas Day. She's also in a wheelchair and can't stand well (now needs a hoist, but was just about still able to stand then). She had a nice time but it was very stressful for us. DH couldn't sleep the night before and she insisted on using the toilet which wasn't easy. Personally we won't be repeating this but will go and visit her. Is that an option for you?

It's very distressing for people with dementia to be moved from their familiar environment. Add this to the stress of her being looked after by people who are not training and haven't got the proper facilities. I wouldn't bring her home but visit lots over the Christmas period. There is also the danger of Covid and her bringing it back to other frail residents. Don't feel bad as the staff don't know your set up and it's difficult for them to understand how inexperienced we are if outside the profession. Little presents that bring memories, children to visit if possible and leave her to be cared for there. I probably would feel a bit guilty but know its for the best.

It’s stressful, she may enjoy herself or she may not - she may not know it’s Christmas, or where she is.

Wearing pads doesn’t preclude the need for a toilet, leaks can happen, and that’s likely to involve a full change of clothes.

It sounds to me as if the home is trying to clear as many as possible from the home, no matter how unsuitable. I would say that the steps render it impossible. You can’t afford a ramp, if that suggestion is raised.

Go and see her on Christmas morning for half an hour if you can. Otherwise, don’t worry too much. It doesn’t matter what the home thinks of you (and they wont think badly of you) what matters is they know you’re a presence in her life, and keeping an eye on her care

Another one who thought bringing DM home for Xmas was a good idea. Similar circumstances to your situation although no need hoist. To cut a long story short, she had no idea where we’d taken her, was overwhelmed and started shrieking and shouting that we were scaring her. Eventually got her into car after 30 minutes of kicking off. Got her back to care home and we had our Xmas dinner at 7pm. Five hours late. Never again sadly.

Can you (or one of you) not have Christmas lunch at the home with her? This is what used to happen when my mum was alive, either my brother or dad or both of them had Xmas lunch with her. She was at what sounds like a similar stage of vascular dementia to your DM.

The homes I've worked in wouldn't think badly of you for not taking her home, we know exactly what it's like and the demands that are placed as we deal with it every day, and they're not our parents or loved ones with the added emotional side that adds, and as a pp said, even padded there's a risk of needing to be changed, people's bowels and bladders don't work on schedule and pads can slip/move and leak.
Perhaps you could see her at some point on Christmas day and take her for a walk in the wheelchair around the local area of the home? Or a drive if it's too cold/icy underfoot? Or is a short visit to your home possible instead of the full day? Maybe for a few presents being opened and Christmas cake etc?
Sitting in a wheelchair for any length of time without pressure relief or a pressure cushion isn't great or all that comfortable either.
Where I work we've issued advice that residents can go to relatives for Christmas so that everyone knows where they're at and can make plans (because the 'rules' around care homes and visits/leaving have been complicated since covid) and I've had a couple of discussions with family members about what care they would need to deliver if they took a relative home for the day, such as toileting needs or medication, but it's more been to offer the choice rather than it is an expectation that relatives take them 'home' for Christmas.
We usually get a few that go to family for Christmas day and in previous years we've had residents go for the entire period, it does mean that we can spend a bit more time with those who don't have that option which is nice, but in no way has it ever been expected.

Reading the previous posts has changed my mind. When I saw the title I thought of course she should come home. But no it wouldn't be s good idea under the circumstances. If a short visit to the home was possible that would be fine.

Go and spend some time with her on Christmas Day instead....less stress for everyone

Thank you all so much for replying - it really does help having opinions from those who are sadly in a similar situation.

The home will allow visiting for people on Christmas Day but due to Covid we can not eat with them. So some of the family could go in to see her.

Also as she cant get in the car we have to order a taxi and if she did need to return home before the allocated time we would not be able to do this.

Umm some more thinking to do.

Beamur I will be just like you OH. I did not sleep last night trying to work out the best plan. I feel Mum may enjoy it (But Christmas with her over the years has always been stressful without her current health issues) I am beating myself up that my stresslevels are not as important as her day out. However maybe they do need consideration...

junebirthdaygirl Covid is a big concern and we have all worked so hard to keep the residents safe. We also have a CEV relative with us so also concerned about infection from Mum to them - bloddy covid!

MereDintofPandiculation thank you your views are much appreciated and also reassuring that she may be better with a visit.

Mum5net yes that is exactly our concern. I am sorry you had that experience

CrotchetyQuaver yes her diagnosis is vascular dementia. Unfortunately due to covid they will not let us eat with the residents although 2 people can visit in her room.

Maverickess thank you for your comments - they are really useful. The home Mum is at is amazing and they do have a "can do" approach and will do all they can for the residents but I can now see that they do not expect us to do a visit but will enable it if it is appropriate - I didnt thinak about leakages. I am so new to all of this but learning fast!

*Viviennemary thank you for your comments - my opinion was the same as yours but also like you have changed my mind - i think!

Kitkat151 It would be less stress for me thats for sure....

Honestly, I'd pop to the home in the morning, do some presents with her, and leave her in her safe, familiar environment.
The last Christmas my mum was alive, just not sitting at the table she always sat at when we visited was enough to set her off, and she stomped off to it ignoring everyone. She was cross at her presents and dumped them on the floor, and would only eat what she had everyday for lunch. An hour of us was quite enough for her. I can't imagine how distressing it would have been for her to be taken somewhere she didn't know tbh

I could have written your post! This is the first Christmas with mum in a care home but it would be physically impossible to bring her into our house - our living room is on the first floor and there is not a single entrance that would permit a wheelchair. Mum too has lost her mobility and is incontinent. She has no formal diagnosis of dementia although it is clear that she has lost a lot of cognitive ability. I don't think she can remember names anymore - I have been her daughter in law, her mother and her sister at various times over the past month!

My husband I don't have a car but Covid permitting I will have no shortage of lifts to the home as all the grandchildren want to visit her. Our normal routine is for my cousin and I to visit once a week, my uncle visits separately and my daughter goes when she can.

I haven't asked the home about Christmas yet. I don't think they are allowing visitors to eat with the residents although I do get offered a cup of tea most times I am there.

We'll be making a visit this year. If it was easier to bring MIL we'd do it, but it really wasn't, in your shoes, I'd go and visit, try and have a nice time and not eat your self up feeling guilty.

DM is too frail to leave her nursing home and you cant get a wheelchair taxi for love nor money anyway
We usually have a big breakfast, spend the morning with DM in her nursing home opening her presents (and giving cardsand chocs to her carers), and then back home for a late lunch. Turkey is cooked overnight and roasties parboiled so just the veg to cook when we get back whilst we're having a pre xmas lunch drink and nibbles. Sorted!

CMOTDibbler What a difficult situation for you and it does highlight the issues Mum could have been taken away from her surrondings.

IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere yep your situation sounds very similar. My brother is now my husband as is my son. My husband is just some random man according to my Mum. I have been her sister and Mother this week :(

Beamur thank you for your comments - you are talking a lot of sense

Snuggledupforwinter we have found a wheelchair taxi firm who are charging 95.00 as a basic call out fee for Christmas Day. I can see why and we would pay it. The pressure is that we have to book soon. The day you have planned though sounds very civilised and well organised - I think everyone in our house would benefit from a day like that

I can't thank you all enough for taking thetime to comment - it is really helpful to hear your different stories and opinions.

Maverickess thank you for your comments - they are really useful. The home Mum is at is amazing and they do have a "can do" approach and will do all they can for the residents but I can now see that they do not expect us to do a visit but will enable it if it is appropriate - I didnt thinak about leakages. I am so new to all of this but learning fast!

If the home has a good attitude then I'm sure they'll try and facilitate anything that they can to ensure it's a good day for all, I hope you all have an enjoyable day whatever you decide to do, and please, don't feel any guilt if you decide it's not for the best to take her home for the day, your mum is important - but so are you and an unfamiliar and stressful surrounding and journeys with an unfamiliar driver/vehicle may be counterproductive for your mum and thus you too.

@Snuggledupforwinter
(and giving cardsand chocs to her carers)

I just wanted to say thank you for this, as a carer it is a lovely feeling when someone does this - it makes so much difference to your day and Christmas, and of course yummy chocolate to keep you going (and when you're on shift that day you get the pick of the best ones 😉)

When my dad's dementia was very bad it was hard to realise that his secure place was the familiar care home with familiar staff who knew how to feed him effectively, move him so he was comfortable and what his routines were. He liked to see us but couldn't cope if we got something 'wrong'.

So I agree that a nice visit in the morning and then you go home is the best thing.

I would arrange to visit on Christmas Day then take her out between Christmas and new year for lunch somewhere.

We are having dsd home for Christmas for 4 days which means poor dp doesn't get much of a break but thankfully my mum helps too, it's certainly not easy

From experience, it’s best to leave someone with dementia in their familiar surroundings and routine.

We ignored the care home’s advice on this for FiL one Christmas - talk about learning the hard way!

GMIL was in a care home for 10 years with dementia. The first couple of years she visited MIL’s but she was even more distressed and confused than she had been. It wasn’t like taking her out for some fresh air and no one enjoyed theirselves. So we used to visit her.

It seemed to me (and I am very detached from this which brings benefits and disadvantages) that the visit home was being done for those who realised, rather than for GMIL. Although it was the last time i got a sentence out of her - we put some old Christmas carols on to steady her mood, and (by this point she hardly spoke anything) she talked about the mothers union (church based charity) trip she was looking forward to.