My dad

[GoodnightGrandma]

He is 75 and lives alone.
Does not do any cleaning, but will do washing, gardening, and showers daily. Changes his bed weekly, very rigid schedule helps him remember to do things and what day it is.
Seems to have some agoraphobia, not helped by Covid.
Will drive to places he knows, will go shopping to two shops he knows, but once a week at most.
Constantly angry with the world, has fallen out with neighbours, he is always right, no grey areas - sticks rigidly to rules and expects everyone else to.
I visit when I can but it’s dragging me down. Constantly complains, never has anything nice to say or asks about my kids.
I think he needs antidepressants, but he refuses.
I don’t know why I’ve e written this, just wish he’d go out and enjoy life rather than waiting to die. It’s sad, he was such a strong man who loved adventures.

That's sad, would he join a community group or enjoy a visit from community volunteers or a church group. Why does he live alone, maybe he is lonely or depressed,

I'm sorry xx have a hug x mine is 80 and I worry x I let him get on with it as he wishes, but I know the time could be limited.

He is lonely, but that’s because people won’t put up with him. He falls out with everyone, but it’s not his fault apparently, everyone else is wrong.
No, he wouldn’t join any group, or want anyone visiting his house.
He was happy during lockdown because everyone was stuck at home like him.
Covid gives him a reason to stay at home.
It’s just sad.

It does sound sad, I’d wonder whether he’s depressed, or maybe has early dementia which is making him suspicious and reluctant to engage with new situations. Sorry neither of those are very jolly. If you don’t think it’s early dementia you could try telling him how his attitude makes you feel, that it’s hard to try and help and keep visiting. I wonder if he, as a younger man, would have persevered with a negative, resentful, bitter older relative?

I do suspect early dementia due to him occasionally forgetting what day it is.
He sticks rigidly to his routine as a way of knowing what day it is.
Fortunately he has a will and both POA’s in place.
It’s just hard being dragged down every visit, he used to be such fun and loved to go out.

That’s good re the will and POA. Depression could also cause forgetfulness so it can be hard to distinguish what is happening. In fact my dad had dementia and was put on anti depressants, which helped a bit with his mood.

It is really hard being dragged down by negativity though, I can fully understand, might it help just seeing it as doing your duty then getting out?

Sorry that comes out sounding quite patronising, I didn’t mean to.

Some elderly people are happy being miserable!

I wouldn't say forgetting what day of the week it is means dementia, when every day is the same you do forget. I sometimes struggled when I had 12 months mat leave as each day was different from the last.

I worked for a few years in a care home which had its fair share of negative Norman's and Nancy's. I found talking to them about their past, their history, family memories was a good way to give them company without me being left feeling depressed!

When you visit dad can you start conversations about his school days, his first job, where he used to go dancing or take dates? It may mean the time you spend together is more positive for you both.

@whataboutbob

It is really hard being dragged down by negativity though, I can fully understand, might it help just seeing it as doing your duty then getting out?

Doing my duty is right ! Go down, get depressed by him and leave. It’s just the way he is now , I have to accept it.

Yes, you have to protect yourself and just aim to be constructive and supportive . I get the sense that he was a good dad and you are mourning the person he was before he became inward looking and negative.