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Elderly parents

End of life

19 replies

RedFlagsAllOver · 24/11/2021 21:11

My dad has been in hospital for a couple of months.
He wasn't coping at home anymore and a care package didn't work he ended up back in hospital. He has dementia. While in hospital he pulled his picc line out. For a long time he has been suffering with mds. He became blood transfusion dependent. They decided as he had pulled the line out that they would no longer give him transfusions. They managed to get one unit in via a canilur but since then he's refused it so they have respected his wishes.
Yesterday he fell and his his head. They said he's up and down constantly but While I've been there he had no recollection of me being there. Tonight the dementia nurse has called and said she thinks he's nearing the end. I'm absolutely heart broken. His life hasn't been great lately. The blood was barely keeping him going, and the dementia was rapidly becoming worse but I'm just devastated that he's in the hospital. They won't allow him to go home and I feel hugely responsible and feel like I've let him down.

OP posts:
cheeseislife8 · 24/11/2021 21:13

OP you have not let him down. His body and mind may be failing him but you absolutely haven't. I'm so sorry, it's truly heartbreaking 💔

bloodywhitecat · 24/11/2021 21:14

You haven't let him down at all, I am so sorry OP it is so hard to be in this position especially at the moment. Are palliative care involved?

Redshoeblueshoe · 24/11/2021 21:14

This is not your fault. Please be kind to yourself. It is no one's fault. It's just how life goesFlowers

PermanentTemporary · 24/11/2021 21:15

I'm so sorry that it's so hard. I believe as time goes on this short ending to a long life won't be the bit you remember.

About half of all deaths in this country happen in hospital - sometimes it's really the only way. But there's no harm in asking again if there's any way to get him home?

RedFlagsAllOver · 24/11/2021 21:25

I asked what will happen? Will he be given some dignity. She said he might end up in a side room. She said he's a very firy gentleman and he's still having outbursts, and standing up and shouting out. I went in today and held his hand he was shouting out let me go, and pushed my hand away. I left then because it was too upsetting. I phoned my brother tonight and he's utterly shocked and heartbroken. He said he's been expecting it but not this quickly

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 24/11/2021 21:48

Oh goodness. It's so hard. Could it be that part of him is trying to protect you and doesn't want you to go through it with him?

ParkheadParadise · 24/11/2021 21:53

God love you 💔💔
I've been there. My mum had dementia when she was admitted to the hospital she always got more agitated It was awful. She didn't know us by this stage and would cry for her mammy 😪😪.

Will you be able to be with him?

SparklingLime · 24/11/2021 22:05

It’s so hard, OP. Ask if he’s on the palliative pathway and what that will mean. Also ask if the hospital’s palliative care team have been contacted and if they will be involved, as his dementia makes it more complex.
Flowers

AnyName1 · 24/11/2021 22:08

I'm so sorry for you both. It is, I think, the hardest thing.

Are they sedating your father? They should be.

I stopped seeing my relative towards the end, I found it so difficult, and he got so distressed. He thought I was his wife. He would try to leave with me. The staff told me how he was every day and would tell him I rang and that I was coming to see him 'later'.

He died of covid in the end and it was a blessing for him tbh.

I worried I would never forgive myself for not going towards the end but now a year later I can see I did as much as I personally could do, and I know he, in his right mind, would agree.

RedFlagsAllOver · 24/11/2021 22:23

He said the other day I'm so glad my mum and dad aren't here to see me like this.
They said I can be there any time. Its just difficult as I have children and have to rely on lifts. I'm so upset that I didn't bring my youngest in a few days ago to see him while he was awake and talking. I knew once his hemoglobin got low he would just go down hill further

OP posts:
Bobbajobs · 24/11/2021 22:36

Sorry to read this... if youd prefer him not to die in hospital, could you request a transfer to the local hospice for him for end of life care if he's still well enough to travel via ambulance, they're so peaceful. (I work at one)

TheUnquestionedAnswer · 24/11/2021 22:43

Sorry you are going through this OP. I would opt for hospice end of life care, if I had known when my dad was in your dad's situation how much better it would be there. Speaking only from my own personal experience, of course.

CTR1000 · 24/11/2021 22:48

Ah, you haven’t let him down at all. But the end of a life, even when it’s expected, is tough and it’s no surprise you feel the way you do.

Hospital may very well be the best place for him at the minute but as others have said there may be other options too including hospices/palliative care units or even some sort of home environment though clearly not always. Ask the hospital palliative care team to get involved. Talk through the options with them. Ask questions. But make sure you lol after yourself too - I bet that’s what your Dad would want.

RedFlagsAllOver · 25/11/2021 19:46

I've been to see him today. I held his hand, told him I loved him and he said I love you too. I got my brother to come too as he was asking fir him, as I feared he was trying to say his goodbyes. I spoke with a Dr who said he's near end of life and will be put on end of life care tomorrow and assured us both it will be peaceful. I'm heartbroken I love him so much. He's been a rock to me over the years

OP posts:
ParkheadParadise · 25/11/2021 19:50

Glad you went to see him @RedFlagsAllOver
Flowers

Candleabra · 25/11/2021 22:01

Really sorry. It’s not an easy journey.

Redshoeblueshoe · 25/11/2021 22:49

Now try and get ready for tomorrow. What helped me was holding my mum's hand and telling her that I love her. I was with my mum when she died, and I am happy that she had a good death, surrounded by people she loved Flowers

Redshoeblueshoe · 25/11/2021 22:51

Please do not think that I'm saying this will be easy, it won't, I'm just telling you how it made life a little bit easier for me. Flowers

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