If the carers only knew.....

[countrygirl99]

That they are responsible for everything my mum who has dementia has misplaced and for all her random fiddling with the heater controls and leaving milk etc out of the fridge. Because it couldn't possibly be her that did it.

It's the illness that is making her forgetful and blaming others, she might know it's her but cannot accept her forgetfulness and the carers are used to this.

Unfortunately lack of insight is a feature of her dementia. She genuinely doesn't think she is forgetful. Therefore if she can't remember fiddling with the heating controls, taking stuff out of the fridge,putting dads meds in random places etc it can't possibly have been her. The other week I put something in the fridge while mum was putting on the kettle. Went through to the living room to talk to dad who can barely move. 20 minutes later after we had drunk our tea found said item on top of the fridge but it couldn't have been mum as she hadn't been to the fridge, must have been the carers even though they hadn't been in. I'm sure the carers are used to it but if they got a bonus gor everything they got blamed for they would be rich.

We certainly are used to it, along with the same conversation multiple times in a visit.

www.dementiauk.org/get-support/understanding-changes-in-behaviour/false-beliefs-and-delusions-in-dementia/#what

It's not your Mums choice to behave like this though @countrygirl99. Its hard for you and your DF but it's probably really hard for her as well.

Are you getting any support? Is there a Carers Group nearby that you could connect with?

I know dhe isn't choosing to behave like this. She is at that stage of dementia where it feels impossible to actually help and every time you think you have something in place to help. Some of the things she does put my very frail dad in danger bit she won't accept they are happening and undoes steps you put in place. E.g. dad's meds were coming in dossette boxes but we found out mum was emptying the lot into s container and giving him a random selection, they couldn't cope with a pivotell so my brother looks after his meds and takes a couple of days worth round at a time. When paramedics came last time mum couldn't find the note that should have been on the kitchen noticeboard so phoned me and I had to get hold of DB as mum couldn't understand that I had just picked a batch up and dropped them off. So I got a "message in a bottle" from the Lions but she keeps taking the container out of the fridge and has taken the stickers off the doors so we are back to square one.

That all sounds so difficult. Have both of your DPs had a recent Care Needs Assessment? Sounds like they could do with some extra help

Yes, they have carerscoming in - they were meant to just do the 4 weeks care to assess and then hand over to a permanent arrangement nearly 6 weeks ago but so far no agency hasthe staff available to cover. They spend a lot of Time trying to find where mum hadsput the meds containerthis time.itcould be anywhere in the house but at least she doesn't put it in the garage or she'd like the "ugly" pivotell. Could be in the oven, the fridge, the airing cupboard or a drawer and obviously she has no idea why the last carer in put it there because she hasn't touched it.

Are you in regular touch with their SW as well @countrygirl99? It might be worth having regular chats about what's happening with the Carers and how most of their time is being used up

Could there be a simple safe type arrangement to store the meds in? It could be fixed to the wall and could have a number code. Access for carers only.

@countrygirl99

Yes, they have carerscoming in - they were meant to just do the 4 weeks care to assess and then hand over to a permanent arrangement nearly 6 weeks ago but so far no agency hasthe staff available to cover. They spend a lot of Time trying to find where mum hadsput the meds containerthis time.itcould be anywhere in the house but at least she doesn't put it in the garage or she'd like the "ugly" pivotell. Could be in the oven, the fridge, the airing cupboard or a drawer and obviously she has no idea why the last carer in put it there because she hasn't touched it.

Could the meds be put somewhere she can't/won't look? I used to put chocolate for my dad on a high shelf, so he could have some without her nagging him about it (terminally ill, and sentenced to death by lettuce in an attempt to buy him extra time stop him putting on weight).

Could there be a simple safe type arrangement to store the meds in? It could be fixed to the wall and could have a number code. Access for carers only

That's a really good suggestion. We have a small safe on the wall at work that has number code entry. It would be perfect for this situation

It's probably easier it being the carers than having people break in and move things. After mum threw her tablets in the wheelie bin (there were no other suspects) I put them in a high cupboard over the gas meter. Out of sight and impossible for her to get to because she didn't have the reach. Her "tidying" was a daily chore for me, as you say it took time to find where she'd thought was a good place to put things.

It is frustrating, every time I thought I had a solution to something it would work for a few days and then Tidymum would destroy what I'd set up.

Your dad needs a care assessment too, he is at risk of harm if he doesnt get his medication, have the carers put in a safeguarding concern with their manager and social services

Yes a locked box for meds is the safest and usual solution in this situation . The carers can dish out meds at the correct times .

Looks like a locked box is going to be needed. It doesn't help with everything, like removing the stickers for the "message in a bottle" or tidying away both their hearing aids- obviously there is nothing wrong with mum's hearing, oh no. It's the carers turn the tv up so loud that you can hear it outside.

Oh yes we had this before my MIL went into a care home and whilst FIL was alive but practically immobile. It was the carers feeding the dog eccles cakes. It was the carers shutting the door so the dog couldn't go out for a wee and so weed all over the carpet. Even though it was the weekend and the carers didn't visit over the weekend. It was very frustrating even though it was due to the dementia.

Sorting through the house we've had to check every pocket of every item of clothing to make sure there are no 6 month old pots of custard/purses with money in them/random jewellery/ornaments hidden away. Eventually DH fitted a lock to one of the kitchen cabinets so that meds and cakes etc. could only be accessed by him or carers. It is so so hard having to almost treat your parent like a child.

I expect your local fire service will do a free safety check which is a really good idea and they give lots of great advice .
We often have to box in heating controls etc and put a padlock on to prevent people fiddling with them .

Sorting through the house we've had to check every pocket of every item of clothing to make sure there are no 6 month old pots of custard/purses with money in them/random jewellery/ornaments hidden away.

Totally get that. DMIL has been in a home for almost 18 months and DFIL is still finding random things in odd places.

She must have struggled for so long. She was really good at masking for ages abs then declined and was no longer able to hide her confusion. I suspect it's the stage where the OP's DM us now

It's crap isn't it. We had the same with mum. She took control of my sibling's epilepsy meds and was cutting them up and dishing them out randomly. It resolved itself when she became unable to walk. I'm sorry you are in this situation. A locked box sounds a smart move.

It is so hard isn't it? My Mom became convinced the house cleaner was stealing towels. No, Mom, because no one would want your old frayed towels.

Some good suggestions on here like a locked meds box etc.
Have you considered cctv/small cameras @countrygirl99?

It is so hard isn't it? My Mom became convinced the house cleaner was stealing towels. No, Mom, because no one would want your old frayed towels.

It's called Confabulationn* abs would be funny if it wasn't so bloody tragic

*and