I'm absolutely knackered & mentally drained..

[Duchess379]

Some of you may remember a couple of my posts last month in relation to my mum being in hospital with a UTI then displaying bizarre violent behaviour.

She's now back home & I'm really struggling with her. She vaugley remembers bits from her 3 week stay but she seems to have confused reality with non fiction, so her memory is a bit muddled.
The problem I have is her mobility. Due to several strokes in 2017 the right side of her body is weak & she drags her right leg. She also has issues with her knees, they give way when she puts full weight on them, leaving her vulnerable to falls. I said to her when she came out of hospital that we'll do a bit of exercise on her legs to help strengthen them, but that's fallen by the way side & she's not interested because it's too much effort.
She's only comfy in bed but she sometimes decides she wants to get up, which means I have to go & get her, guide her to the stair lift, get her downstairs & comfy in the sofa. 10 mins later she's complaining her leg hurts, she's irritable & wants to go back upstairs.
This happens every day.
We have nurses come in to administer her insulin because she wasn't doing it properly & I've just found out she's not taking her other meds, which are supplied in blister packs, correctly. She's been picking & choosing which ones she wants because '... I've read statins are bad for you so I'm not taking them..' and '..aspirin tastes horrid' so she wasn't taking them either. This resulted in very high blood pressure last weekend (210) which saw her admitted into hospital over the weekend. I'm literally dealing with an elderly toddler that does what she wants at my expense.
I'm just here for a rant really because I'm so tired - it's hard work being a full time carer for someone who's so awkward & complaining all the time 🤦🏼‍♀️

I remember your post. It sounds really hard.

Can you get any support from your local authority, or respite? There's no use in burning yourself out, you're doing loads and need a break.

Also, would it be possible for you to reorganise the house so your Mum's bedroom is downstairs? My DM and DF really didn't want to but were forced to after DF lost a lot of mobility, and it was maybe something they should have done earlier to save him the hassle of using the stairlift.

We're moving! After mum fell down the stairs in the summer, I put the house on the market. It's sold, we're just waiting on the conveyancing. I've bought a 3 bed bungalow, 2 beds on the ground floor & the living space is totally open planned so she can't crash into anything. In the meantime we have a stairlift, but I find it exhausting trapsing up/down the stairs all day, listening out for her clonking about with her Zimmer frame.. 🤦🏼‍♀️ I've constantly got washing on the go (she doesn't always make it to the loo/commode in time), she's picky with what she wants to eat. I literally have an adult toddler on my hands 😭

Well done on the house sale - it sounds like where you're going will be much easier. Do you have people who can help out with your DM while you're doing the move? I hope it all goes smoothly.

I'm organising removal guys to do the actual move, I'll be doing the packing beforehand. I'm just mentally & physically exhausted chasing after her all day. She's becoming incontinent because she can't get to the loo quick enough, so I have loads of washing & ironing to deal with. I've bought her incontinence pads but she doesn't always wear them because they're uncomfortable. So I'm left with untold amount of washing & washing the floors daily.. 🤦🏼‍♀️

Put pads in all her knickers so she can't dress without them. Non negotiable, that.

Most people in homes got there when they turrned incontinent. Too much for non-professionals to deal with.

I really feel for you OP. Could you get her incontinence knickers rather than the pads. When my Mum was so I'll she hated the pad. She said they moved about and she did not trust them. She was better with incontinence knickers. Have you got someone who can sit with your Mum for a few hours whilst you have a break? Have you any siblings who could help? It took my 4 as sisters and myself to cat we go or our Mum once she is was really ill. You sound like you are really organised and doing really well. Hang in there. Try to get some help. Can your Mum afford a carer to come in some days? Has she claimed attendance allowance?

I worked in elderly care for years OP, and battled with many headstrong old ladies who insisted on doing X Y and Z even though most of the time it defied all logic. In the kindest way, it's like letting the lunatics run the asylum.

You need to arrange things so that they're easiest for you and not your Mum. You're no help to her if you're on your knees with exhaustion. Ask for a social worker and tell them you're not coping with her and need help/support. And be very vocal about it. You only get help these days by shouting loudly.

And talk to the district nurses who administer her insulin about getting the continence nurse to assess her. Make sure she's right next to the commode at all times, and that she wears easily removable clothing.

Unless there's a vital item you need to iron dry (in which case you might want to buy another one), ban ironing from your list of chores.

You are her daughter, not her slave. Has she always been so inconsiderate and selfish?

Really struggling with disabled parent. - www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/4365826-really-struggling-with-disabled-parent

I've posted my original thread for clarification.
In short, I'm an only child & we don't have any extended family that can help. I was medically retired in 2019 due to my own ill health (arthritis, lupus, hypermobility) so I'm not in good shape myself.
Mum has always been a selfish pain in the arse. Personally, I think she has ADHD or similar because her behaviour at times is awful. She can't think logically, she's totally disorganised & struggles with basic tasks. Before the stroke, she would go out with friends & not think to take house keys with her. So I'd get a phone call saying she's locked out. Like it's my fault she's an imbecile. 🤦🏼‍♀️
I've had a crap morning already. I've got an upset tum so been in the loo all night, then I find my dog has 💩 in the kitchen because thee fireworks frightened him, then mum falls over & I literally have to hoof her up back into the bed, then found she'd wet herself.
The 'lunatics running the asylum' is apt right now.
I will be looking into additional help because I can't go on like this 🥺

...and I bought her incontinence pants when she was in hospital but she '..doesn't like them because they rub her leg'. 😭

Oh OP, it sounds utterly thankless.

You have to protect yourself first and foremost here. Shout from the rooftops and get some help in.

Do you have care coming in?

I'm so sorry this is happening! Def get help; shout as loud as you need to

Massive respect to you for everything you’re doing.
Please remember your own needs (and they are needs not wants)
It’s easy for us to say this but when you’re stuck this deep in the maelstrom it’s hard to remember that you matter too. It’s not a failure on your part to need help or support whatever form that takes.

Have you tried Age UK - and CarersUk, and Carers Trust.

All of these have forums you could join, as well as helplines.

Sometimes you just need to offload, as well as get good advice.

You really need to speak to as many people as you can and get some help. There are so many different services and whilst sometimes you have to fight to get them you are still entitled.

Speak to her GP, the community matron, the district nurses. Get adult social care to come and do an assessment, she may be entitled to CHC (Continuing Health Care) funding. Speak to Beacon who are a charity that can help with CHC funding. She may be entitled to use of the incontinence service where you get pads for free. There are all sorts of things and services that may help to alleviate your stress and work load but they are not forthcoming with the information.

You need to make a noise, make use of local Facebook groups.

I really feel for you, I looked after one parent who was dying and now a parent with Dementia it is hard, hard work and the carer is often forgotten in these circumstances.

I really wish you lots of luck.

You need to put your oxygen mask on first which sounds like getting a decent carr package in place or her being in a home.

Start saying no to her. No you can't come downstairs, no you have to wear the special pants etc.

A physio has come to see us today & went through some exercises with mum & then asked how everything else was going, in which I replied I'm really struggling, so she's going to pass that onto adult social services to see what extra help can be offered. 🤞🏻

It sounds awful. It’s a horrible thing, but unfortunately the more you care and the more you do, you’ll be left alone to get on with it. Don’t ask for help, tell them you can’t cope. Work out your mums needs (NOT her wants) and take it from there with SS. You’ll be amazed at everything you do. Everything that enables your mum to survive, write it down and use it as evidence for the help required.

And do think about getting a packing service for the move. When I moved It was the least expensive part of the removal company quote and worth every penny. They can pack up your home in less than a day - it would take you weeks, especially with everything else you have going on.

Ugh, Response Services only assist a patient 10 days after being discharged from hospital. So I'm now on my own. Last night mum fell over twice, trying to go to toilet. Thankfully I had put puppy mats down & she peed on that, otherwise I'd being wetvaccing the bloody bedroom carpet. She fell over Tuesday, in the downstairs loo & has badly hurt her right foot, it's literally black & blue. Had to call the ambulance out to help me get her up.
I've been told I need to arrange a private care package for her. She's literally going to be the death of me 🤦🏼‍♀️

Oh no! When my mum came out of hospital we had reablement for 6 weeks although she got rid of them in 4. The trouble is even if you are on your knees it can be nigh on impossible to get help. The only way we got support this time was when mum was in hospital we were advised (by the care company) to say that we were withdrawing all personal care so they said that they would move to four visits a day but it would be weeks before they would be able to do that. In the event it became obvious that even that would not be enough, not even with rehab and physio so she moved to a home.

I was back and forth to the GP every month begging them for help and it was still 6 months from the social worker calling to mum having any support at home.