Mum and Incontinence

[Upset1]

Name changed

My mum lives alone and has dementia. She will not go into a care home.

I do everything even though I live 30 miles away. Buy food, laundry, sort bills, take her to medical appointments. Various friends call in almost every day and I go down 2 0r 3 times a week. She went into a care home after a hospital stay following a fall but said she wanted to come home and the social worker felt she could do that.

Today, there was faeces in the living room and in the bathroom at the side of the loo.

She noticed it in the living room and became upset thinking someone had come into the house. I cleaned it up and told her it was dog dirt which someone had walked into the house. She is very upset and says she will not go to bed tonight in case someone breaks in to do it again.

I know she is hinting to stay with me but I have a small house, we don't get on and it just can't happen. I asked her to think about a home for the hundredth time and she said she would but I know she won't.

What does this pooing mean? Is it another step down? Is it a one off? Will it go away or will it get worse.

Should I tell the social worker? My life would be so much easier if she went into a home but I don't want her dragged off against her will.

How are you today @MrsFin. Have you managed to come up with a sort of plan of things that you need to do?

Only will things change when a crisis develops. They won't change whilst you are propping up the situation. As hard as it is, you have to contact social services and tell them that you have reached carer burnout and are stepping away. They have the duty of care to a vulnerable adult at risk, key words. You will be doing nothing more.
Then step right back. If she's as bad as you say it shouldn't take long.

OP, she might really enjoy a home - that happens quite a lot. My GA got a whole new lease of life after she'd stopped shitting on the neighbour's doorstep and attending the Post Office in her nightdress.

We tried to keep her at home as long as poss but we didn't know the key dementia cliche - home is home only as long as you know it is, sort of, and you're not scared to death of having to manage.

For a time being at home keeps people stable, but then it changes and home is a threat and a worry. The moment of change is difficult to pin down, of course - everything about dementia is. But the happiness and calm GA had for the last two years made the move worthwhile, and were more than plain to see.

Hi Op. I too have walked in your shoes and have cleared up many accidents that my poor mum had. She has vascular dementia and is now in a home. She couldn't cope in her own home so I convinced her to try a care home for some respite. And two and a half years later she is still there. I think many people enter care homes on a temporary basis but then just stay. I wonder if your mum could be persuaded to do a trial? There is no dressing this up, it is truly awful, but getting my mum into a home gave me back my life. I'm sorry. 💐

You need to get a revised needs assessment and ask the carers to make a referral for NHS CHC funding.

www.nhs.uk/conditions/social-care-and-support-guide/money-work-and-benefits/nhs-continuing-healthcare/

She might qualify one her capacity is so diminished. If she dies the NHS would pay her care fees.