Balancing up my family needs vs DPs

[HariboMuncher]

My 80 year old mum is a carer for my 85 year old Dad who has a degenerative condition. Normally I call once a week and visit once a month, more if there's some sort of emergency.

I find her very hard work. She'll try and dig for information on other relatives and then gossip about them. The last time I told her something in confidence about a conflict between two family members she called up one of the people involved, after promising not to, and made the situation much worse for everyone.

If she's not digging for information she just complains about everything - she bitches about one of the carers, the doctors and social work aren't doing enough for her (DF has quite a good care package including two half day respite sessions a week), and rejects any practical suggestions. For example, she won't book overnight respite care and then complains about not getting a break.

She hasn't helped herself at all by refusing to only deal with the progression of my Dad's illness until it reaches crisis point. For example, they both knew they needed to install a ramp in the house, procrastinated for months until eventually my Dad had a bad fall, spent months in hospital after catching covid there, and then was in a much worse state when he finally got out.

I've got a nursery and primary school aged kids and I work for the family business and she recently send me a snidey message hoping I got some more "me time" when the schools went back, as if I now had lots of time I could use for extra visits.

Last winter when DF was in hospital I visited a lot, within covid rules and doing window visits, and was in touch with DM a lot. Between DF being horribly ill, DM needing a lot of support and sometimes creating extra unnecessary drama, having to work and homeschool the kids I ended up feeling suicidal and got put on antidepressants. She knows about the antidepressants. I put on loads of weight when I was on them and developed prediabetes so I'm on an exercise regime and am slowly but surely shifting the weight. There's no point in telling her about the prediabetes as she's really judgemental about weight, diet and illness generally, and will just gossip about me to her friends and other family members.

I found out yesterday she had been complaining to another relative that last time I visited it was only for 90 minutes. It's a 2 hour round trip to where they live, she complained more or less the entire time I and the kids were there, DF appears to find the visits very tiring and falls asleep, and I needed to work that day as well. I find it all extremely draining.

I'm not sure what I'm asking, I realise caring for my Dad must be hard work for her but I also feel like I can't do any more without damaging my own mental and physical health.

This reads as though you are doing all you can. Don't beat yourself up and try to put yourself and your own health first. I have been in a similar position and can reassure you that it will pass. Sending hugs

Whatever you do it will not be an enough in her eyes.

I assume you don't have any siblings to help?

Maybe a daily five minute call from you would help her feel supported and less moany.

It's not an easy situation

Only do what you are able to do. Never imagine that you can increase for a bit and cut back. I introduced an extra day a week with mum over ten years ago, just for a few weeks, after a hospital stay. Still doing it... and she's mid nineties now.

I do have a sibling. She arranged with her work that she could take one unpaid day a fortnight for caring time, but then arrived one day to find DF had a new weekly outing the same day but DM hadn't told her before she arrived! One of her kids is ill and she stays even further away than us, so it's not easy for her to visit.

@freshcarnation That must be very frustrating. DM has been making out DF is at death's door for years now, which doesn't help!

@Mosaic123 From bitter experience, the more contact I have with her the more she expects. I'm also really wary of telling her anything now as she gossips to her friends or interferes.

DP are notorious for leaving family events early and doing very short visits to elderly relatives. They've headed off abruptly from everything from funerals to kids parties, and DM once travelled 2 hours to visit an elderly aunt for "no more than 15 minutes". So it seems a bit much for DM to demand lengthy visits now!

If she’s not taking up practical suggestions, it sounds as if she wants sympathy/recognition rather than to change the situation. Try preparing a few stock phrases eg “you do so much for dad” and just trot them out when she moans. You don’t have to believe what you say.

If you’re looking for sympathy and someone gives you a solution instead, it sounds like “you’ve only got yourself to blame, if you did what I say you wouldn’t have a problem”

This sounds really difficult. I only have one parent to care for, and they are vocally appreciative about what I do, but they also make it very clear that every visit is too short, after I've travelled from another country. There is no way to 'fully meet their needs' so I have to stick to what I feel able to do, and what I can do is also affected by how willingly or awkwardly they accept support.
So stick to your guns, and don't be afraid to decrease the amount of support you offer if you need to. You can't cope 'for' your mother; all you can control is how you look after yourself.

She sounds a bit like my DM. Nothing is ever good enough and will gossip about everything, including anything you say about you or your family.

I talk to her about things that are nothing to do with me, like a new road being built or ask her what's going on at Church, I've got quite skilled at talking for ages without ever giving anything away about myself, I've had to learn the hard way though.

I agree with Mere. Just mutter things like "oh you must be very tired" or "you do so much for DF".

My DM just talks at us for ages so my DSis says hello when she calls them wanders off to make a cupp and goes back to the call about 10 minutes later abs she's still talking, I think the record is 32 minutes.

If you're suffering with your MH I'd be very, very wary of staring a short call every day. You'll be expected to do it as very quickly it will become the norm abs she's likely to criticise if you miss a day. Sounds like you'd also be expected to call through holidays, sickness, busy times in the business, you get the idea.

@wanderlywagon Thanks, that's good advice, and I feel your pain on the complaining!

I'd actually forgotten that the last day I visited DM had asked me to pick up some stuff at the shops, which I did, and DS wasn't well either and was sick in the supermarket. It seemed a bit unfair to expect DS to sit there for hours when he hadn't been well too.

@GuyFawkesAppreciationClub Thanks, I've also had to not tell her much about myself! I wish we had a more normal relationship but she just latches onto some things and uses them to create drama.

@MereDintofPandiculation I'll try this. I guess I stick to practical stuff rather than trying to offer sympathy partly because DM often makes terrible practical decisions (like the ramp business) and also because I'm really wary of offering emotional support because then she expects exponentially more than I can give.

For example, when DF was in hospital I did visit a lot more, but then she told the hospital I would be able to help provide nursing support to encourage them to let DF come home. She didn't discuss this with me first. I called her back and told her I couldn't but then she just completely minimised the whole thing and then pretended it didn't happen. My mental health was really starting to tank at this point and the idea that she wanted me to provide personal care for DF didn't help at all; I know it was completely unrealistic and would never have happened but it was extra stress having to have that conversation with her, when I was at a real low.

My MH is much better now, I'm off antidepressants, have lost 20 pounds and my blood sugar isn't perfect but much better than it was. I do need a bit of time every week for maintenance though - I do regular exercises sessions and that really helps.

Thanks, I've also had to not tell her much about myself! I wish we had a more normal relationship but she just latches onto some things and uses them to create drama.

Sounds exactly the same. One thing MN has taught me is the term grey rock and it's been so helpful. Have been to see her today abs she'd left a copy of her local newspaper out so chatted to her about the lead story and then she talked at me for 20 minutes. Yet another successful trip where I haven't revealed a single thing about me or my family

Being a better person than your parents is hard.

Being the adult when you're the child in the parent-child relationship is also hard.

No answers to this, but mega sympathy. I think myself that your health is worth at least as much as theirs, so I'd be tempted to invest any time you have in doing a course on managing difficult people. it beats wondering how many more years of misery are in store, anyhow (hint: more than anyone tells you, most likely).