My mother is in her late 80s and has middle stage dementia. She was living alone in London until 6 months ago when she came to stay with us, 150 miles away "for a couple of weeks". When we collected her from her flat it was immediately obvious that she wasn't coping with living on her own and that she had been disguising how bad things had become in our daily phone calls.
Staying with us brought about immediate improvements - she ate well and put on weight, despite frailty her physical fitness improved and she seemed happy and engaged.
However, she cannot stay as a permanent member of our household because I cannot provide the level of care she needs to due work commitments and teenage dc, because it puts a huge strain on our household, marriage and my dd's mental health and because my mother does not want to live in our household - she dislikes the busy-ness, the noise, the tv programmes we (occasionally, not every evening) watch, the food I cook, the noise of musical instruments being practised etc etc. She wants to leave London, to live near us, but not with us.
I have therefore been trying to find advice and ultimately to organise somewhere for her to live nearer here and to arrange care. My problem is that we seem to fall between areas for advice. Her GP in London cannot see her (obviously) because she is not there and they know nothing of the local authority or care-giving agencies in our area; our GP hasn't got her records (also obviously) and cannot do much because she is not a registered patient here. Her local London borough Council will only do a care assessment if we return her to live alone in London, but there is a long waiting list and she shouldn't be living alone (she would be a danger to herself). Our local Council can do nothing because she is not resident here and disuaded me from applying for a care assessment because she owns her flat in London and would therefore be self-funding. Even the Carers' agencies have said they cannot help because we are long-distance - my local Carers' agency say they cannot help because it depends on where the cared-for person is resident, which is London. And my mother's local agency cannot help because she is not physically there.
The obvious thing to do is to take her back to London and leave her in her flat there so that the care system can operate in its usual way, but that is not the best thing for my mother's welfare.
Sorry, a huge first post. I literally don't know where to turn and what to do next. Has anyone else had a similar experience or can anyone else suggest a route through this? Thank you so much