How to accept parent refusing food and care

[Coffeeonadrip]

Hi! Hope someone can offer some wisdom.

My mum has got lung cancer and after a few rounds of chemo (she's not in the UK, they operate a slightly different system here) has been discharged from the oncologist hospital one to recuperate. They don't need to see her now until January. She's been told to take time to recover from the effects of chemo, it will take time.
She's so very weak. Can't even stand up by herself, my siblings help her got to toilet, cook etc. I live in the UK but currently visiting her. She doesnt feel like eating. Getting medicine into her is a struggle but she takes it. She was told to try and move a bit and not lay down all day long bit she's too weak and struggled with talking. She's wasting away really but is stubborn and won't engage. She's on a waiting list for a home based hospice care, it will be another few weeks at least until it's available to her. I fear it will be too late to rebuild her strength if she doesn't eat or exercise. I offered to get a private physiotherapist in to help her move, she's refused.
I'm a kind of person that likes to fix things and situations. I struggle with people who won't help themselves. Although I do understand she's tired etc. and can't be forced to do things.

How do I move past it? How can i accept she won't do what she needs to do??

Would she be able to manage build up milky or fruit drinks, complan, soups, you can get calorie powder to add to food. Does she have a sore mouth after chemo, tummy ache or has just lost iher appetite. Her gp, community dietician or district nurse should come and see her, there are meds that can help a sore mouth and increase her appetite. Is she getting any help at home from carers, does she need any equipment out in that makes like a bit easier for her. If she is too weak to even talk I would ask her gp to visit.

You say you’re a fixer. Some things can’t be fixed. What is your mother’s age and prognosis? Maybe you have to respect her choice not to actively engage. This is hard, but maybe she recognises her life is ending, and a peaceful end is a blessing. This should be your lasting gift to her. What do your siblings say?

Ask the dietician about Prescribing complan or ensure supplements drinks....they can also prescribe sachets of protein powder which can be added to meals....but like PP has said...what is her prognosis....maybe just support her with what she wants to do..but very hard for you

I'd think about enjoying time with her, rather than fixing her. She may be more inclined to get better if she can see a comfortable way to live.
When my dad was poorly I used a strong scented cream to massage his hands, tiny tastes of lovely food, talk about memories, talk about loved ones.
You'll know what will work best for your mum- family photos, photos of favourite places, flowers, candles, music, talking about a singer/tv programme... whatever she responds to.

It's hard. She has to want to, and she may be just too tired.

You sound a bit judgmental. Maybe your mum can’t do what she needs to do. It’s not just a matter that she doesn’t want to. You are falling into the awful trap of believing that cancer patients just need to battle harder and show more willpower.

Your poor mum. Is she drinking?

Thank you for your comments. I think I am struggling to accept how she is now because I remember how she used to be, strong, independent, a doer. Raised three kids as a single parent with little help from anyone. I know she must be hating how she is now. Her gp has seen her this week and is happy with her vitals etc. Said she needs to eat and try walking with help to keep her muscles moving. Recommended those high calorie shakes but she hates them. She's not in any pain right now but she's lost a lot of weight and has barely got any muscle left). Shes on steroids already and he added some appetite increasing meds too. Maybe I have too high expectations of what she should be drinking/ eating. This is what she had today (all after a lot of convincing and tiny portions): a cup of squash with her morning medication, a cup of tea, a cup of coffee, some fried potatoes with a cup of chicken stock, another cup of tea and one of those high calorie pharmacy shakes/drinks. Yesterday she had scrambled eggs for breakfast, chicken stock for tea with some carrots and potatoes, some fruit (blueberries and raspberries). Tea, coffee, squash - a cup of each through the day. She also sat in the armchair for 40 mins yesterday but not today. That's it.

Maybe I do sound judgemental. I accept it. It's just hard and I know that if the roles were reversed, she would not be happy with me.

With regards to the prognosis, it's hard to say. The doctors are being very non committal but the oncologist does not need to see her until after the new years. She's not in the UK so it's a different system really with no district nurses etc. My siblings do all the care and we're waiting for the home based hospice to start. I'm hoping they'll convince her to agree to some physio/exercises etc. She listens to doctors normally.

Anyways, thanks for your comments.

That sounds quite a lot for someone who has lost their appetite, the fluids are important, sitting in an armchair for 40mins is fine. She can do gentle exercises in bed or in a chair ro keep her circulation going and keep her muscles.

Where I live, eligibility for hospice would mean she is not respected to ever reach remission. Her death may not be imminent, but she will never recover.

If that is the case for your mother, you really need to start thinking differently. Her life now is about finding balance between fighting and acceptance. That can’t come from you. She is the one experiencing the pain and exhaustion and you should not underestimate just how hard it is. Sometimes a few bites of food or sitting in a chair for a few minutes is a major accomplishment. My own cancer really was a nothing cancer in the grand scheme of things and there was a point where i crawled to the bathroom because I could not stand and just weeks prior I had been a young healthy woman in my 20s. I know you want to fix this, but you can’t. What you can do is bring her whatever food she feels like she can eat and keep her company. When the time comes, tell her you love her and make sure she doesn’t feel guilty letting go.

Jelly drops water sweets are brilliant if she likes that kind of thing. Great way of getting people hydrated

That food all sounds very sensible... but what about custard, ice cream, chocolate? Flapjack? Something calorie dense, but tasty! Add more protein in when her appetite builds a bit, but start with tempting morsels!

I'd love it if she ate stuff like that to give her more energy even if just short bursts. She's never had a sweet tooth though. Still, I put out fresh biscuits, cream cakes, chocolates etc to temp her every day.

Cheese, cheese straws, nuts?
I'm sorry if it's obvious and you've done all that already. When dad was ill mum obsessed with giving him healthy food- didn't want him to have treats. She was determined if he ate healthy, he'd become healthy.

Perhaps there are people she'd like to see who could come for a brief visit and give her some joy? Ask her.

Just thought I'd pop back into this thread. My mum passed away two weeks after me first posting here. She had a beautiful passing, in her own bed, with all her children gathered around her.

Thank you for all your advice earlier.

I’m so sorry Op. It’s a relief that your mother passed away with her family there, but it must have been hard for you all. Wishing you all the best and lots of sympathy.