Im struggling to deal with Mum after Dads death

[Cocolapew]

I feel like shit posting this but need to vent.
My Dad died on the 7th October from cancer, he was only diagnosed in May. I'm very close to my mum and not so much with my Dad. He worked away a lot.
I did everything the last few months, all hospital appointments, speaking to Drs/nurses, dealt with medication etc. Every day there was something to do. I had no problems doing this, Mum is a bit forgetful and wasn't always able to grasp what was being said. But tbh I was exhausted at the end of everything.
We had a hospital bed for Dad the last week or so and mum has become obsessed that we still have it, I've done everything I can to get it taken away but the bottom line is she has to wait until the company say they are coming to get it. Its a bungalow so it's in a spare bedroom not in any living spaces.
I was round earlier and she was in a v nasty mood. Her sister visits every day and today mum brought up again that she (Aunt) didn't go into the room when her DH died. Mum actually said to me "I was nasty to her today" but wasn't a bit ashamed. My Uncle died 31 years ago! What on earth is she banging on about this for!?
She then started on me about the bed saying we shouldn't have got it because we didn't need it, we didn't, but my Dad did. I dont care if was only for 10 days or so, he was getting pressure sores before he moved into it. It was easier for the carers and district nurses too.
Then she started on about the hospice nurse had said on a Friday she thought Dad only had a few days, but he actually lived until the following Thursday. I moved in on the Friday so she wouldn't be alone when Dad died, so was there when he died.
I said it was only an educated guess from the nurse, but she argued that they misled her . There was a few other nasty remarks.
I think she knew I was pissed off, I didn't argue but didn't say anything either and left after 10 more minutes.
I then came home and cried because she was sitting there on her own with no music or tv on and I feel sorry for her.
I know its a terrible shock for her but she doesn't seem to think I'm grieving too, I've had terrible flashbacks of my Dads actual death which was a bit traumatic.
Sorry this is long and rambly

I didn't want to read and run, just wanted to say that you have done a wonderful thing for both of your parents. You are allowed to be sad, be angry, feel whatever you are feeling. So is your mum. She's had a huge loss and is probably totally floundering.

Be kind to yourself.

Aww, @Cocolapew, I feel for you - there are such conflicting emotions. Finding your mum upsetting and difficult but also feeling sad for her. And all while grieving yourself.

I think some people try to make sense of things and feel in control by criticising and slightly obsessing on seemingly small aspects of a bereavement, eg the hospital bed. Ideally let that wash over you, it’s not rational so correcting her is probably pointless.

I’m sorry for your loss, and so sorry that it was traumatic.

Thank you both. I think the bit about control is probably true, Mum was always very independent but is struggling now, she really wasn't able to sort anything for Dad. I was a bit shocked at how helpless she has become. She insists it's not any type of dementia but me and brother think differently.

I am so sorry for your loss

I can't cope when people take their anger out on me. I keep out of their way as much as possible.

Is that feasible for you? Do you have anyone to talk to?

I know she's angry and upset but taking it out on you is cruel.

When she criticises your actions, I would say "and what have you done?" She might cry but that might be what she needs.

X post
Sorry, if you think it's dementia then it's a bit different

Can you drop the GP a note to express your concerns?

I’m so sorry for your loss x

I usually pull her up on any rudeness, which is hard for me but I wasn't having any of it when I was doing so much. I sometimes got the impression she was jealous/mad that the professionals were all dealing with me instead of her but she refused to engage so I had to.
She brought the bed up last week when I was there with the DDs (both adults). I had phoned to make sure the referral had been put in and she was very cheeky when I told her this. I just said " oh you're welcome" and went to do her hoovering. DD2 told her it wasn't my fault I was only trying to help and she dropped the subject.

Firstly, unMumsnetty hugs as you've been through so much recently. Secondly, I think you and your brother should trust your instincts, this sounds like the beginnings of dementia to me - I've been through it with my gran. The uncharacteristic unreasonableness and nastiness in addition to the forgetfulness and helplessness are big red flags. Try to see if you can get her diagnosed but be prepared for resistance.

Thank you all.
Mum says she has brain fog due to fibromyalgia, she's never been diagnosed with it so I'm not sure where that's come from.
Shes been forgetting words for about a year, she knows its happening and finds it very frustrating. This was her main reason for not talking to the drs, she said she didn't want to look stupid.
But there was a couple of times where I was explaining how things worked (pill box etc) and she was totally blank, she really didn't have a clue for about 5 minutes. I put some of it down to stress.
Tbh I think Im just feeling sorry for myself today

Sorry for your loss.
It sounds like mum is struggling to make sense of what has happened due to memory problems.
Can you contact the hospice & ask for bereavement support?
The memory problems may well be stress but would be worth discussing with the GP as well. Your Ddad may have been supporting her & inadvertently covering up some issues.
I'd also call the bed providers & state it is causing distress & to remove it ASAP. In my area they're collected within 24 hours...

I can't phone the bed providers, it goes to an automated reply that tells you to speak to the District nurses. I emailed our local MP on Friday to see if it gets things moving. I'd hate to think someone was waiting on a bed.
Dad did a lot in the house because mum has a very bad back, but she was definitely the boss in the relationship.

Also my brother has always been the blue eyed boy but he hasn't phoned mum since the funeral and he didn't come over while Dad was ill unless he thought he was dying.
I think my mum is annoyed at that too.

Do you think there might be a bit of sadness in it all for you that your roles have been reversed. For year and years you can lean on your Mum for help and support when you are struggling, tired or sad; now you are at the point of your relationship with her that not only is that part gone, but she is leaning on you. Its happened with my Mum, but quite slowly and I only noticed it when I looked back. With you it sounds like its happened in a rush at a moment of crisis for you both, that makes it even harder.
Sending you some hugs

I'm so sorry for your loss OP. It's so difficult when the people you usually rely on to support you aren't able to because they're grieving too.

When my dad died unexpectedly a good friend told me to be prepared for the people I loved to act out of character and do things that would hurt me. She was absolutely right. Emotions run high. And people are in shock. I know it's really upsetting but try and let it go. If you need to stay away from your mum for a day or two, do. And tell her that you need some peace and quiet to get your head around what's happened.

It does sound like there could be more going on with your mum. Get the GP to see her as soon as possible. The GP could also give her something to ease her emotional pain - which I'm sure would help.

For you OP

It could be SeatoSki. I had to make decisions on my Dads care that were very hard to do, I wondered if she blamed me for anything but she has said she would have stopped medication etc sooner. My Dad was able to make these decisions with input from me for a good while so I know its what he wanted.
I wondered if she might feel a bit of guilt, wanting him to die sooner because when the time came she didn't want it to happen.
She usually is aware if shes over stepped the line with me and stops it for a while.
I just wasn't in the mood today to put up with it.

Thanks to you all for taking the time to reply. Its helped me writing my thoughts out and you've all given me other ways to look at it.

Just want to give you my condolences for your loss and to go easy on yourself. You and your mum are grieving and are not in complete control of your thoughts/actions. My dad died 5 years ago , and as an only child my mum, like your mum, completely relied on me. She almost fell apart when he got sick and died and left all medical, domestic and financial management to me. I have to say I was on autopilot as like your Dad , it was a quick ( 6 mths) diagnosis and illness. My mother was not in her right mind at this time and seemed to be be in a fog, unable to make any decisions and handed everything over to me. I tried to deal with everything along with my 4 children, and it took me getting sick and ending up in hospital, for me to step back, which ironically was best thing for my mum as she HAD to deal with some of her own issues. 5 years later, and she is coping much betterm but has her own health issues ( which I mainly deal with) but at least she has moved on from the all consuming grief and selfishness that this caused. In your case op, it does sound like your mum might have some additional needs now, which your Dad was probably shielding you from. The best advice I can give is to try and take a step back, you are also grieving, and try not to allow yourself get bogged down by your mums dramas. You need to look after yourself and remember that you can not be a replacement for your Dad. Try and get some help for your mum so she can start standing on her own 2 feet ( as much as she can).

Coping with a family death is exhausting, no wonder you are tired.

Your mum is grieving, she's lashing out at whoever is in range which unfortunately is you. She's ranting against medical staff and filling the space in her world with her only topic of conversation at the moment.

Try to find some support. Someone to share the load, maybe a bereavement charity who can suggest some tactics for her to cope better.

I'm sorry for your loss. x

I think that you just have to try and go along with some people, who can't cope well,when someone is dying, and then the eventual death.It's an event that can send some people, into an all kinds of spiraling thoughts process when they lose a loved one,especially some older people, who may not be as quick minded now.

Your Mother will be very pleased with all that you have done for your Dad, despite what you may think she feels about all things.

Sorry to read of your loss @Cocolapew. At this time you will all be experiencing different feelings, it is all part of the grieving procedure.

Be kind to yourself, take each day as it comes. 🌹

Firstly another hug, it's hard to go through whatever age your parents are. Secondly speak to your mums dr about a referral for an assessment, I suspect it will be quite a few weeks if not months with all the delays so better to get the ball rolling - I've dealt with a lot of dementia and it sounds like red flags to me from what you write. Do you have power of attorney, if not I would act now while she still can understand

Thanks again to everyone, I was around at Mums this morning and she was in much better spirits, she didn't even mention the hospital bed once 😀

Thinking of you @Cocolapew

I think your Mum is angry that your Dad has died, and you're getting the rough end of it. She'll probably be very up and down in the next weeks/months and it might happen again.

I'm really sorry for your loss. You sound a wonderful daughter and I'm sure your Mum appreciates what you've done, even if she's not vocalising it.

If I can pass on one tip - my Mum died 3 years ago. I was in the same position as you, organising things for Mum etc and I was there when she died. Then having to look after Dad and make sure he was OK.

Looking back, I don't think I gave myself the chance to grieve for Mum at all, and I think TBH I have struggled with that and it's still affecting me. I think I spent so much time being there for everyone else, I never gave myself a chance.

So please do make sure you give yourself time and space. Have a hug, I'm thinking of you