MIL needing more help!

[NeighbourIsAJudgementalBitch]

Hi all, my MIL's health and mobility have been slowly going downhill over the last 7 or 8 months, things came to a head on Friday and I posted a thread in chat outlining this and it led to a wider discussion on the extra care my MIL is likely to need but she is proving to be obstructive with certain aspects - i've linked to the thread so you can see what's being going on. I've had a look at some of the threads in this section and there's been a lot of valuable advice so thought I would copy my thread here to see if you lovely lot can offer any other advice, thanks so much.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/4382159-MILs-neighbour-yelled-at-DH-tonight?msgid=111895370

ps ignore my username, it was made in the heat of the moment and I can see how this has been unfairly impacting on the neighbour.

I did see your other thread but haven't read it all. I'm guessing your DH hasn't got POA?

Have you rung the vulnerable adults safeguarding team at her local council?

Hi PanicBuyingSprouts when I got home from work I asked him what the latest was, he said he had spoken to her carers who have agreed to up her care package to four times a day but it might not start today due to a shortage of carers, currently its one person going in and she needs a second person with her as MIL is struggling with chair transfers.

SIL called the GP who is going to get community OT out. She definitely needs a commode but DH has ordered one for her, the company who supplies these for both the community and the NHS have none whatsoever in stock, there's a major shortage of them at present.

So last night MIL refused to go up to bed, SIL had no choice but to have her sleeping on the couch. I think she's terrified of falling on the stairs. I know she has refused to have her bed in the dining room but DH is going against her wishes and is going to move it down there anyway - he doesn't want her sleeping on the couch with her shoulder in the state it is. MIL has a fracture clinic appointment tomorrow morning, not sure if DH will say anything to the consultant/reg that she isn't coping.

Re POA, DH and SIL found out when MIL was in hospital following her heart attack that she made them both her POA, the date of this was round about the time that FIL passed away. That was a decade ago and she never actually told them that she had done this!

I would double check the POA situation. I know the rules changed a few years ago but I definitely had to sign the documents. She may be confused/not entirely straight about what the arrangements are. FIL has a habit of saying things have been sorted to shut down difficult conversations.

Ours was a few years ago but I'm pretty sure that we had to sign as well.

Personally, with the level of manipulation that she seems capable of, I wouldn't trust a thing she says

countrygirl99 this was something I was thinking about....surely somebody can't be made POA to another person unless they agree to it and sign something? DH and SIL found a document in her house when they were cleaning up and this is apparently what it said. I don't know if it's health and welfare or a financial POA (or even if it was an actual POA!) but I might ask DH to see if he can find it again and get a proper look at it.

I don’t know if it was different for the old EPA which was replaced by the LPA in 2007

I just checked and the pre 2007 enduring power of attorney had to be signed by all the attorneys which makes sense because who wants to be a surprise!! attorney.

www.gov.uk/enduring-power-attorney-duties/legal

Do we mean executor perhaps? A will has to be signed by the person making it and a witness but the named executors need not know anything about it.

I read your other thread, I'm really sorry you're in this situation but the elderly parents section is full of stories of parents refusing all help and resisting any changes to their life. It often takes a crisis to get social work involvement and (if you're lucky) the acceptance that things can't go on as they are.

I read your other thread, I'm really sorry you're in this situation but the elderly parents section is full of stories of parents refusing all help and resisting any changes to their life. It often takes a crisis to get social work involvement and (if you're lucky) the acceptance that things can't go on as they are

Totally agree. In our case it was a Hospital admission for Delirium.

Hi all thanks so much for your replies, wanted to update you.

Unfortunately MIL died suddenly this morning, DH was getting her ready to go to the fracture clinic and she collapsed with a cardiac arrhythmia . Paramedics tried to revive her but couldn't. DH and his sisters are feeling bad that they spent her last days nagging her to get help, even though it was coming from a good place. We're just thankful it was quick and there was no suffering for her

So sorry for your loss OP

So sorry for your and your DH's lost. Having a fairly difficult M myself, I can imagine your DH may start to grieve for the caring Mother he never had.

So sorry for your loss

Oh I'm so sorry, that must have an awful shock for you all but tbh it sounds like it might be for the best for everyone. It could have been a very long drawn out process, painful and frightening for MIL, distressing and stressful for everyone else.

Oh dear, poor old MIL, .

I'm so sorry for your loss. What an awful shock for your DH.

When he and his siblings talk about feeling bad that they spent her last days nagging her to get help perhaps you can turn it around to reassure them that they spent her last days showing that they loved and by encouraging her to get help?

Thanks everyone. I've said to them that their being on at MIL was coming from a good place, it wasn't them being nasty to her on purpose. I think they feel that it might have contributed to what happened but I think they're being too harsh on themselves - even if she had gone into hospital, there's a good chance this may still have happened. I'm sure it's the case for many that when loved ones die, people focus on negative events in the run up to it, what they could have done differently etc, it's just human nature. I know I certainly did when my DF passed away.