To be so drained

[UncertaintyJones]

My brother told me a few days ago he thinks that mum doesn’t have long but the worst thing is I’m scared this isn’t the end.

She has been ill for so long, she was given three - five years in 2003. She’s miserable, unhappy, a shadow of herself and I smile and pretend everything is ok but I’ve put my life on hold, suppressed my dreams, stayed in a place and a job I hate so I can be near her at the end for years and years. I’m now 50 and so unhappy, grieving for years for the loss of a mother who is still here.

She says she’s had a good life and I agree she really has, but I’ve not and I have to say how happy I have been too.

The pain, her being so unwell and her frustration and sometimes just the pure awfulness of it all - I just want it to end now not for her to get any worse, or be in any more unbearable pain. I feel like such a bad person I can only say this on an anonymous forum

You're not a bad person at all, what you describe thinking and feeling is completely expected in your situation. I'm sorry you're in such an awful situation though.
It might sound mean to say this, but I've been in your situation so I do understand, stop putting your whole life on hold. Start doing things for yourself, however big or small, ambitious or not, just do stuff that you want to do.
I absolutely understand the wanting to be there at the end, but as you've discovered, the end can go on for years. Whatever you start up doing, you can always be ready to rush back to your mum if needed.

You are most certainly not a bad person for wanting a peaceful passing for your mum.

My DM had dementia and lived in a care home for the last 4 years of her life. She couldn't speak, move or even feed herself, I have no idea if she knew who I was. Although she wasn't in pain and actually seemed quite contented I dreaded the thought that, in theory at least, she could live another 15 years or more in that state.

When they rang to say she had died peacefully in the night my immediate reaction was huge relief.

Unfortunately modern medicine is much better at prolonging our lives, but not so good at keeping up the quality of life - which is why assisted dying is hot news at the moment. People used to talk of death being a merciful release, that aspect seems to have been lost.

Your feelings are completely natural. We all live so long now that the caring for elderly parents is happening in our 50s/60s and sometimes even our 70s. By this stage we just often aren’t able for it and are worn out.

So no you are not awful and none of us wish a poor quality of life on our loved ones

OP I can massively sympathise with you. MIL passed away in Arpil after a fight with cancer that lasted a few years but her last 6 months were awful. I felt immense relief when she passed because id watched DH become more and more stressed with her care and illness every day.
If possible you need to try and do something for yourself 💐

Gosh OP, 2003! I thought I had it bad, my DM had her first major health scare in 2012 and I remember saying to my DH at the time that I would be very surprised if she were still alive this time next year. Well, she's still here at the age of 93 (now in a home), after being widowed for the third time, and she still has the same complaints she has had for years. Every time I phone her she says she just wants to go.

Although DH and I have continued with our lives - holidays etc. - through this time, every single holiday has been spoiled by me not being able to look forward to it because I was so afraid something was going to happen just before, and then fretting during the holiday/short break. Now, because of covid and DH's ill health we can't go on holiday any more, and I wish I hadn't let it get to me so much.

Don't know what else to say really, except that you have my utmost sympathy.

What I want most for my mum is for her to go sooner rather than later. She has dementia and is becoming daily more distressed. It would be inhumane to hope she lives for years to come.

Try to plan some good things for your own life. After years of not going on holiday because my mum stressed without me we've finally booked one for ourselves. She will cope without us and we deserve it.

Completely normal OP. Although it feels wrong to feel that way.
Nothign to add other than I would discuss and emergency healthcare plan with her GP and a do not resuscitate if this is what she would want and not already in place. Get all non essential medications reviewed and stop those that are no longer of benefit.
None of this is to hasten death but to ensure she receives the level of intervention she would want i.e not prolonging life x

Are you caring for your mum at her home nearby or is she in a carehome?

There comes a point when can tell yourself you are allowed to get on with your own life. It's been 16+ years
I'd be thinking ok this time next year and start planning your adventures and change of job when the world is opening up again from Covid lockdowns- as some nations are still in that- it'll give you something to look forward to. If mum is still here, then you know it may keep going on for several years and you did your bit. If mum really hasn't got long, then she won't be here for much longer and you'll be glad you made most of time left.

That bit aside , I'm sorry to hear your mum is in pain and so unwell, and how stressful the past many many years have been on you.