Do you stay with elderly parent when you visit?

[Wandamakesporridge]

Hi all,
Glad I have found this board, lots of useful things here to read.
So my question is, when you visit your elderly parents, do you stay in their house or nearby in hotel / self-catering?

I have elderly parents aged 82 and 83, they divorced many years ago so live apart but in the same town. I have 2 sisters who live nearby my parents.

In the past when we have visited with my DH and 3 DCs we have always stayed with my Mum, in her spare room (my old bedroom) with DCs sleeping on the floor on camping mats.
However during the previous lockdown, due to the Covid rules we could visit her outside but not stay over, and so we got an Airbnb instead. We found we enjoyed being more comfortable and having more space.

Mum’s house is quite small and 2 of the DCs are now teenagers. We stayed with her in the summer and it’s getting a bit of a squash. Also Mum is getting tired a lot, has health problems and she often needs a sleep in the afternoons. I worry it’s a stress for her having us all to stay plus the extra washing of bedding etc.

We are all going up for a few days at half term and I have found a hotel we can stay at, 30 mins away. I thought this might be a good compromise but now I am feeling bad that we wouldn’t be staying in her house.
What do others do?

I have asked her what she would prefer and she said it’s fine for us to stay, but she’s not very good at saying what she really thinks!

I think going forward I will start visiting on my own sometimes and then I can stay with her, although she does like seeing the DCs as well.

PS I should add that I live a 3-4 hour drive from my parents so it’s not an option to do a day trip.

I visit my mum for 3-4 days at a time and stay in nearby hotel. Pop in twice a day and that works well as I get tired.

hi, my FIL is 88 and a similar distance away. We haven't stayed with him for a few years as he has a small bungalow & it became increasingly obvious he couldn't cope with the stress or change in routine - completely understandable. tbh he can't really cope with us all there for a meal either these days which makes it slightly tricky with the kids. we either just do a long day there or stay overnight in a premier inn a few miles away (which has a mcdonald's next door which also sorts out the meal...)

Thank you. I think staying in a hotel and popping over every day might work better.

I did think of going on my own but she does like to see the DCs.

But this way we can all visit one of the days as a family, and I can also go over on my own to help with chores around the house, and talk to her about getting more help at home.

I guess I was worried I should be staying with her to be more on hand, but it’s not much good if we are tiring her out.

Much easier for both sides if you stay in a hotel.

Could she come to the hotel and join you for lunch some days as well as calling over. My dm started to get very stressed about guests at that stage. She couldn't relax with us cooking as felt she should be looking after us. Getting beds ready was all too much. If l stayed on my own she was fine and l usually bought dinner with me. Staying in a hotel might mean dc happy to stay going longer so Granny will get to see them.

That’s a good idea, the hotel has a restaurant attached so we could bring her over for lunch. Yes I think there’s an element of her feeling she should be looking after us but not having the energy … so she’s always up and down while I’m telling her to sit and relax.

When I visit my elderly parents [ 84 and 85 ] I usually stay at an air bnb close by.

I used to stay on an airbed in their living room, but it got too much for all of us, so it is easier for me to visit during the day and have somewhere else to go overnight. I prefer an air bnb as I find it more relaxing than a hotel.

5 of you in a room isn’t really an option, is it? If you can afford an air bnb or similar.

I stay elsewhere whether I'm visiting my adult children or parents/in-laws.
We are a family who love each other but need our own space.
Elderly dad in particular loves to see us but also loves it when we leave!
I think until/unless your mum needs overnight care, staying in a b&b gives everyone a chance to enjoy each other's company yet still have the chance to relax.

My mother had dementia for 10 years until she died in 2019. We were able to buy a small flat near her which we then holiday let to cover the cost. It was brilliant to have a base from which we could support her, but also have time on our own. One of our regular bookings was a couple who used to come down to provide school holiday childcare for grandchildren. I assume they too wanted a balance between family time and their time/space. Out of season holiday bookings can be relatively cheap.

If/when the in laws need support (they are now mid 80s) we will look at nearby holiday accommodation, and maybe see if we can obtain some sort of regular booking discount. Attempting to stay in their home during a crisis, unless someone was needed overnight, would only add to the stress.

Staying elsewhere enables the time you have with your mother to be quality time. If you try it this once, you may find that she feels the same.

We've done both.

Never had DCs stay except when they were really young so we'd take a holiday cottage nearby.

Now, we do both. Sometimes I stay with my Mum and DH stays in a nearby Premier Inn, because her house is quite small, or we both stay in a hotel or self catering.

I used to worry that my mum would be offended, but we made the change (to staying elsewhere) when my dad was ill. Four adults using 1 bathroom wasn't working in the morning, some of us were using the loo in the night, and in a small house it wasn't really working.

I think the hotel/Airbnb is a good option OP if a) your family is too big to fit in her house and b) you think having you all there is a strain for her. I'm sure she'd never say anything and loves to see you, but having so many people to stay, all crammed into one room, can't be easy for her.

My DM is only in her 70s and would be massively offended if we stayed elsewhere, but during Covid we rented a cottage for a week and it was bliss! I'd much prefer to do that every time.

People staying with my mum is now too much for her, best to visit for shorter durations, so having somewhere to stay nearby is a good idea.

I stay with my grandmother when I visit (usually 1/2 nights over a weekend once a month) and she is 94. It's hugely impractical for us to stay there but she gets truly offended when we don't. 😬

Do you all need to go ?

When they come to visit I just let them get on with what needs to be done. I don't feel guilty about not cooking; they all seem to like doing it. Waitrose provides food and drink. Youngest is here now, I have just heard her get up.

My Mum is 86 and not in the best of health now. Like you, I live around a 3 hour drive from her (although I mostly go by train).

I do stay with her when I am going on my own. I have my old childhood bedroom and I am looking after my mother for those two or three days I am there (she has carers the rest of the time, and my sister goes in a couple of times a week).

The whole family staying is no longer feasible though and is too much for her. If DH and our three DDs (now young adults) want to come then we have to have rooms in the local Premier Inn and go out for meals.

I'd go on your own a few times and stay in her house then. Explain to her that although the children like to visit, they are now just too big for the previous arrangements to continue working, so you have concluded that whole family visits will necessitate the use of the hotel or Air BNB in order for everyone to be comfortable.

When my brother or I go on our own, we stay over.
When others are involved, we stay in a nearby hotel or holiday cottage.
That seems a fair compromise.

It depends on family dynamics. We used to stay with my father up to when he was 83, when he moved to be nearer us. I still treated it as home and just took over, and I don’t think we gave him too much stress. Had my mother been alive, I’d have still probably done all the cooking, as she used a wheelchair towards the end of her life, but she’d have wanted everything doing according to her rules. Ig house though, with 3 spare bedrooms, so that helps

Thanks all. This is reassuring.

Now I have written it all down, it just seems sensible to stay in a hotel! I don’t know why I have been worrying so much. I guess I was worried DM would be offended. This way she’ll get to see us all but it will be more comfortable for us and more relaxing for her. I will explain that we are really looking forward to visiting but that the DCs are getting too big now for us all to fit in.

We do all usually go to visit, as my sisters live up there too and the DCs like seeing their aunts uncles and cousins.
However, I think I will fit in visits in between on my own just for a night or two and stay at DMs house.

The kids stay with the grandparents. I check into a hotel with the husband. It gives us a nice break.

OP what you propose seems a good compromise

I have started booking into a hotel when we visit my mum. She's 80 now and can't really cope with putting us up now. She was upset at first but now we have teenagers there aren't enough places to sleep and I'm not kipping on a sofa.
We can spend quality time with her and no one has to clear up/clean or sort out beds.

Plus Mum lives on bird portions and has forgotten how much teenagers (and adults ) eat.