Just need some empathy over a long distance parent

[Elderlyparentregrets]

I wondered if anyone else has this experience?
Basically, I left my home area when I finished uni and moved a long away away. I met my H and never returned 'home'.

My mum used to put me under pressure to move back (with H) but I never wanted to and certainly once we had DCs I didn't want to uproot them 300 miles.

However, now she's mid 90s and I am really regretting not spending more time with her. I know there won't be many years left. My own DD lives just 1.5 hours away so although I can see her more than I did my Mum, I'm not just 'round the corner'.

Recently, it's just hit me how much my choices must have impacted on my mum. She's incredibly family-orientated and had a really close relationship with her own mum.

Over the years, I've probably seen her 6 times a year, at most, for a few days each time. That used to be a mix of her coming to me and me going to her, until she was too old to travel.

The other thing- and I feel guilty- is that I never got on with her very well even though she 'adores' me. I can't put it any other way except that if she was not my mum, she'd not be a friend- we are too different. And in my teenage years she was very judgy, not exactly supportive when I had relationship upsets, and I never shared my feelings with her on those things because I knew she'd not really understand.

But she is my mum and do love her.

Does anyone else have this sort of experience?

I don't have the same experience but I think you are doing well to have seen her so regularly and don't think you have any need to feel guilty. I'm an only child and have lived within walking distance of my mum for all but 8 weeks of married life, eventually moving in to share the house and then she moved into a granny annex. My mum is younger than yours and has moved into a home just over a week ago. I feel guilty that I didn't do everything she wanted when she was well enough to do it although I have sacrificed time with my husband and family for her. The point is there will always be regrets no matter what you do. You sound like a great daughter. Don't beat yourself up.

I am in a very similar situation to you, but at the end of the day we have our own lives to live and we can’t be expected to make life choices we don’t want to on account of our parents. I grew up in a part of the country where decent jobs are hard to come by, and things would have turned out very differently for me if I hadn’t moved away. My mother was widowed and got remarried to a man who was often obnoxious, causing me a huge amount of upset, but she would never have dreamed of not marrying him on my account, so why should it work the other way? The worst part of it for me has been covid. My stepfather died three years ago and my mother is now in a home. I haven’t seen her for over 18 months, partly because of covid, and partly because my DH has been ill and I haven’t been able to leave him on his own. I won’t pretend I don’t feel guilty because I do – it comes with the territory where there is an elderly parent involved – but I don’t see any reason to beat myself up about it all.

Thanks to both of you:)

@exiledfromcornwall Yes, similar to me. I moved for work too (guess you were in Cornwall?) and had no idea that 40+ years later I'd still be so far away. I'm sorry to hear about your husband. I think I didn't see my Mum for 7 or 8 months with Covid lockdown but 18 is awful for you .

Thankfully, I have a sibling in the same town as my Mum. They are single, no partner, no children and does a lot for Mum although I do all the finances and shopping etc online.

I just know without any doubt that my mum would have preferred me to live closer. I regret not being able to pop in for a day and come away. It's always a 5 hour drive on a very busy motorway and in my mid 60s that's tiring.

I guess I just feel I've disappointed her but none of us can turn back the clock.

I have no siblings but 2 step-siblings and a cousin very near her, and they have all been great. Unfortunately, my DH's illness resulted in him having to surrender his driving license and I don't drive. He is taking immunosuppressants and has not been able to have the covid jab because it was deemed too risky. So while in theory I could go down with him, it would be almost tantamount to a death sentence for him to get on a busy train for over 5 hours. All in all the perfect storm, a nightmarish situation.

Just wanted to add to the solidarity. Very similar situation here - moved away because I wanted a career and there were just no jobs in the only sector I cared about. Now very settled and no way we can move due to DC schooling, jobs etc. At the time my two siblings still lived near my mum (my dad passed away a long time back) but over the years they too have left; heck, my brother moved to another European country. Now my mum is there on her own, in poor health.

I think you've done amazingly visiting as often as you have. While I visited lots in the early years when I was at uni and freshly graduated, since we had children (especially as they have SEN and challenging behaviour) it's dwindled to once a year if we're lucky. As she lives in a popular tourist area, we didn't all fit in her house and school holiday nearby rental prices (and the traffic, argh) made visits very difficult. I do feel horribly guilty about it as well. Covid meant it was almost two years until I finally got down there last month.

My mum never wanted to leave where she was, especially after she met her partner of nearly 20 years. But he passed away suddenly a few years ago, and combined with a mould-filled house she can't afford to repair, and discovering her friends were pretty much fair-weather friends once her partner was gone, she has made the decision to move near my family. While this is undoubtedly the best thing she could do right now, I feel bad that she's having to leave the special place she loves to live somewhere fairly, well, nondescript by comparison, all because none of us have returned "home".

Another reason we don't intend to move from here is that selfishly I know I would be gutted if all our children moved far away like my mum's did. By living nearish to London and jobs (and decent airports, if they go abroad) we stand a better chance of them not being quite so remote!

So yep, I totally get it

I used to visit my parents, with whom I had a good relationship, for a weekend 5 or 6 times a year, so don’t worry about your frequency of visiting, you’re doing fine.

Hi OP I am in a similar situation. My parents moved us as a family to a rural area 500 miles away when I was ten. I left at 17 and never lived there again. Now DMis in a care home. I couldn’t travel up in lockdown but have visited every couple of months since spring. Relationship is difficult. She is now quite keen to be close but this was never the case when I needed her as a child and teenager and I find it v difficult to show any affection, although I’m ok with helping, doing practical stuff for her etc.

I do t know that I have any advice but do have solidarity and sympathy a- plenty