Death denial

[Zoopet]

My Mum is 87 and has late stage Parkinsons with zero mobility and some dementia.
She was living at home with her partner until March and then as he was struggling to care for her she went into respite care for 2 weeks.
Sadly while she was in care he contracted covid and died.
It was horrendous for her and I made sure I was supportive and took her to his funeral etc and she seemed to realise he was dead.
Due to her 24/7 care needs I moved her (at her request) to a care home near me so I could visit her regularly. ( We were 200 miles apart.)
Fast forward to recent months and I am really struggling to convince her he is dead.
She insists that he's alive and either got someone else or that he's on the floor above in another room.
I've tried reminding her gently that I took her to the funeral, discussed with her the family and friends that attended but she is adamant that he's still alive.
I've also tried tough love just telling her he's dead but it doesn't make any difference.
I'm really not sure how to handle this.
Any ideas?

I just start talking or asking about memories of the person, what they were like, funny memories etc.

Is she distressed when she mentions him?

Maybe just accept that while she remembers him, he is alive to her.

Reminding someone that their loved one is dead repeatedly can be distressing for you both.

As a previous poster suggested, just talk about him as if he alive but has popped out.

She does get very upset when she talks about him and there's been a few occasions when she's screamed out his name and told me that he's hiding or gone off with someone on the staff.
I've tried changing the subject, showing photos of her grandchildren and focusing on the present but it's not been very successful.

I'm dreading my mum reaching this stage. I think I would probably be telling her that he had popped to the shops and would be back soon or, because they were used to being apart because he was in the Navy I would tell her that he's abroad. I really feel for you because it's like you have to relive his loss all over again.

I think, hard as it it, if she is suggesting herself that he's on another floor then I would go along with that -'oh yes, he's popped upstairs for a chat about footy with Jim' (alter to what he was interested in) 'men eh, now what do you think about this knitting pattern/outfit/photo of GC'.
If you haven't read 'Contented Dementia' then that is really helpful about living in the persons reality

Stop telling her that he is dead. What ever story her brain is telling her , you just need to either go along with it or redirect. What ever will keep her the calmest. With dementia, repeatedly telling her he has passed , is like her experiencing his passing for the first time every time.

Is this a function of her dementia or her grief?
If it is her dementia and she has reached the stage where she cannot retain the news of his death then reminding her is he's dead is just causing more pain.
If it is grief then could she access some grief counselling?
Either way I'd try to connect with the emotion under what's she's saying eg he's run off with someone else - mum he wouldn't do that he adores you, and start talking about a time when he showed his love. It sounds like she wants reassurance so try to offer that whilst connecting with memories that are meaningful to her.

My friends mum didn't remember her dad had died even though they had been with him at the hospital. Reminding her caused great distress. Once the funeral was past she just told him he'd gone to visit his brother for a few days. She was happy with that until she died 2 years later.

If she has dementia she won't retain the information, and keep telling her he is dead will be like the first time she has heard it every time.
Distract and lie, otherwise known as therapeutic untruths.

I think it's very common for people with dementia to forget that loved ones have died. My dm certainly did and constantly talked about my df as if he was alive. And at one point she told me she was going next door to see if her dm was okay. My dm was 90 at that point and her dm had died about 60 years earlier.

Advice we had was not to contradict or agree, but just to gently steer the conversation onto something else. If someone's brain is presenting information to them as 100% fact, there's not much you can do about it and arguing/reasoning isn't going to work. A dr explained to me about confabulation and how, when bits of memory go, the brain creates new memory to fill in the gaps. And these new bits of information - however fanciful - are totally real to the individual.

It's a dementia thing. My gran insisted her mother lived in one of the oap bungalows across the road. It was comforting for her to think that.

It's interesting how the mind works. My mum's mind is full of memories about her parents again. The flowers I bought her last week were evidently sent her by my long dead aunt and uncle who she speaks to weekly on the phone. She shows me the road where her parents still live when we drive past (dead 30years). She talks more and more about my dead dad too. It's quite comforting in someways

We have this with a family member in denial that her husband (of 60+ years) has died. She sometimes think he's left her or is having coffee in the care home lounge. We just say hes in the other room as it seems cruel to upset her by reminding her he's dead. She also talks about her parents and mine visiting her for tea (all long dead) but in another ways her mind is as as sharp as a tack! We think its her minds way of coping with her loss and if it gives her some comfort who are we to disagree. Just nod and smile!

Thanks for all the advice.
I went to see her today and tried some suggestions. (He's in another room talking about motor sports etc)
It partially worked but then she wanted to know why he had a new, younger woman.
I reassured her there was no-one else but I don't think she was convinced!
To the pp who suggested it may be grief, I think it's more linked to dementia as this has really become more noticeable over the last 6 weeks and her conversations can be quite succinct then suddenly very off topic and paranoid.
It's a steep learning curve for us both.