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Elderly parents
Original poster

Dads mobility is decreasing rapidly - what can I do?

25 replies

Tealandabney · 10/10/2021 11:15

My dad has a condition which is of unknown cause. He has been seen by hospital consultant and has yearly review with them. It manifests as being wobbly when walking/standing and also slurring words sometimes. He has had a few bad spell where he has literally collapsed out of the blue. I feel it is now rapidly deteriorating and he can only walk the length of his street before needing a rest. I think when he goes to the consultant he probably puts on a brave face and says he is getting on ok, so they just send him on his way.

I am sort of planning in my head for the future and if he will need a wheelchair. How would we go about getting this? Is there a service we should speak to who can assess him? Or do we need to go through hospital?
We are in Scotland if that makes any difference.

OP posts:
FleasInMyKnees · 10/10/2021 12:33

He will need a thorough assessment from his doctor and the therapists, it will mean more than just buying a wheelchair. Is he safe when he is out and collapses, what happens if he falls in the road or injures himself. Who will be with him. What happens at home, is he on his own with a Careline and falls alarms. I would push for the doctor to investigate his symptoms, there must be a reason this happens to him, it must be very worrying for you all.

Original poster
Tealandabney · 10/10/2021 12:48

Thanks, yes it is very worrying indeed. The hospital have done a full assessment including scans and a lumbar puncture. And it has been put down as idiopathic ataxia. So now it is just managing the symptoms. It is very frustrating that they have given him no treatment at all. My mum is with him at all times. If he collapses when out she looks after him and finds somewhere to sit until his funny spell passes. The problem is it is very stressful for her and I think she sometimes seems like she has the start of dementia, so I am not sure how good a plan this is for the future.

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FleasInMyKnees · 10/10/2021 13:05

Oh dear, has mum had an medical assessment for herself, I would ask the therapists to carry out a full care needs assessment for dad, visit their home to see if it's safe, mum could do with a carers assessment too. I would speak to adult social services a d their doctor to get the ball rolling, with their permission to have assessments done. Would they be safer in a supported living flat where there are staff on site. Now would be a good time to discuss power of attorney too and help them sort out anything that makes life a bit easier like online shopping, standing orders etc. Someone with more experience of Scotland care will know more, I am in England.

Original poster
Tealandabney · 10/10/2021 13:08

I think the thing is they have always been in charge of their own health and doctor appointments. I dont know how I can speak to gp or consultant without it going against their privacy. Should I speak to my parents and insist I go with them to a doctors appointment to see that they are getting their point across sufficiently? Or do I contact gp and go behind their back to discuss my concerns? They are both sort of in denial and I think they will be not very keen to have me interfering and pointing out that they are not capable now without some help.

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Original poster
Tealandabney · 10/10/2021 13:09

Thanks. My dad is very much with it mentally. He orders all shopping online and has many friends he keeps in touch with. It is only physically that he struggles.

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Original poster
Tealandabney · 10/10/2021 13:11

Yes I wondered about power of attorney. But I don’t think they will accept this is necessary yet

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FleasInMyKnees · 10/10/2021 13:12

You can speak to their gp and tell them of your concerns, they may not discuss much with you but can make a note of it. It would be better if your parents agreed to see someone, some people are happier speaking to a nurse rather than a doctor, this is something their doctors surgery may offer, a district nurse or similar could do a home visit. I don't think you would get far speaking to the hospital Consultant to be honest.
Can you say to your parents that you are worried about them, just want to help keep them safe and point them in the right direction about getting some help in even if its just a home assessment, a careline, falls alarm, walking aids.
www.gov.scot/policies/social-care/social-care-support/

Cecillie · 10/10/2021 13:15

Try and persuade them to do power of attorney soon. You do have to show evidence of mental competency so better sooner than later and you don’t have to exercise it yet.

Original poster
Tealandabney · 10/10/2021 13:17

Thank you. It doesn’t seem long ago that my mum was sorting out care etc for my gran. I think it will be difficult for her to feel she is now on the receiving end of care this time round. I will try to speak to them and possibly to the gp.
Thank you for the website link

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PermanentTemporary · 10/10/2021 20:40

What kind of consultant is he seeing? I would expect that he's seeing a neurologist- have they at least been able to rule out some diagnoses?

Original poster
Tealandabney · 11/10/2021 07:33

Yes they have ruled out lots of different conditions

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Original poster
Tealandabney · 11/10/2021 07:33

Yes it is a neurologist

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PermanentTemporary · 11/10/2021 08:03

OK. Are there therapists attached to the clinic?

In the meantime, a gp appointment asking for referral to occupational therapy for a wheelchair assessment, physio for a mobility assessment and speech therapy for a communication assessment may galvanise a bit more action.

Original poster
Tealandabney · 11/10/2021 08:30

I have no idea about the hospitals I don’t go with him and it’s only once a year he goes for a review appointment. I think the gp may be a good starting point. My parents are both only 70 so it feels too soon for all this. And I think they still feel quite proud and that they don’t need our help.

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MothralovesGojira · 11/10/2021 09:23

The whole point of POA's is that they are set up BEFORE they are needed. I think that a lot of elderly people think that if they set one up then it's effective immediately and that's their independence gone but it's not the case.

When my pil's started declining we sat them down and explained that a POA can only be set up while they're mentally fit and if it's left then it has to go to the Court of Protection which truly is a loss of independence. They did them straight away after talking with friends who had done them and we didn't need to activate them for about 4 years. They did financial & medical ones but we activated the financial ones first when they started to be unable to get to the bank and lost the ability to keep on top of bills. We never used fil's medical one but did with mil and it saved so much time and distress when she had to go into care.

For your situation now I would write a letter to your dad's GP explaining your concerns and ask for a call back to get advice as to what to do for your dad and make it clear that you are not asking them to breach patient confidentiality. The GP should do this and will likely advise a social services assessment. Unfortunately the elderly also have a great fear of social services but we sold it to the pil's on the basis that it was to get advice on how to stay independent for as long as possible in their own home and it worked. Within weeks of contacting them and the GP we'd had an assessment for various aids and a stairlift installed.
Today's elderly remember seeing their elderly relatives being carted off to the local asylum because of things like dementia or being forcibly put in horrible OAP homes so they are terrified of it happening to them. Obviously times have changed but the gear is still there. Your father isn't pushing for help with his conditions probably because he fears the outcome and old people do have this habit of thinking if I ignore this then I don't have to face death!

MothralovesGojira · 11/10/2021 09:58

Sorry fear not gear! Bloody autocorrect.
I would say that your first priority is to sit down and talk to your parents about having POA 's set up for future needs and really make them think about who they want making the important decisions should they lose capacity very suddenly as this tends to focus thoughts on the right direction. If that doesn't work then it's the emotional blackmail route of asking them why would they want to make things so horrendously difficult for YOU when the time comes and ask them "would you like ME to make the decisions you would want or have a stranger make them who doesn't know you? ". Hopefully they will see sense.

Original poster
Tealandabney · 11/10/2021 10:28

Thank you so much, I will look in to all this. So is it my solicitor or their solicitor that sets up power of attorney? I assume it is theirs?

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FleasInMyKnees · 11/10/2021 10:36

You dont need a solicitor to set up a poa unless your parents prefer to employ one who will charge a lot. It can all be done online or you can order paper copies from the office of the public guardian to fill in. It's very easy to do, there are 2. One for finances which can be used as soon as it's been registered if your parents wish and health and welfare which is used once they lose capacity. They will both need each type.

IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 11/10/2021 11:33

My dad's illness first manifested with dizzy spells and when he went to the GP he was willing for me to come along as well "to fill in the gaps" as other than feeling giddy he didn't know what had been going on around him. Also he was very deaf so I would go along to make sure he had heard rather than just nodding or agreeing because he thought that was what he should do!

My mum has had an NHS wheelchair for years and it was a nightmare to find how to get one. The GP knew she needed one but had no ideal how to get it and suggested we tried the District Nurse. The District Nurse couldn't help unless she was referred by the GP. In the end someone suggested I phoned the Artificial Limb and Appliance Centre (we're in Wales) and they sent me the forms which we completed, took to the GP and had her measured by the Nurse. From phone call to delivery of the chair took about two weeks after six months of trying!

Original poster
Tealandabney · 11/10/2021 11:54

Oh I had no idea power of attorney was so easy to set up. Where does the mental capacity come in to it? I thought a meeting with solicitor would be required for this bit? I really appreciate this help it’s great to know where to start

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madisonbridges · 11/10/2021 12:43

It's a bit disjointing when roles are reversed and suddenly you feel like you're the parent. But actually my parents were quite happy for me to go with them and they are/were very independent. It's important that you get in the know about what's happening because as they get older, they do forget things (as we all do!) and it's good that you're there to check that everything is sorted and nothing overlooked. I didn't give mine any choice, just an airy, oh I'll take you to that. They rolled their eyes a bit but I think they quite liked that I was involved.

Definitely get P of A. In England you just do it online. So easy when they're still compos mentis. The only outside person was a friend to sign that they have understood what they're signing. It doesn't mean that you have any power over their finances or health yet, but it's ready for the time when they can't cope, either mentally or physically anymore. No doctors, no solicitors. It's about £60 for each. Its easy. Again that's in England but I'm sure it similar in Scotland. Its important to reassure them that the POA won't be able to be used unless they lose capacity or they want you to use it.

They're only 70 now but I can tell you the next few years pass very quickly and if your dad deteriorates your mum will be grateful that you're there to support her and that is easier if you know what's going on. I also got my mum to sign a letter for the doctor giving them permission to allow me to access her records and discuss any of her medical conditions with them. She was more reluctant to do this at first, it made her feel like she was losing her independence, but eventually saw it made her life easier. Your parents might not be ready for that yet, but you could always float the idea now.

Mum5net · 11/10/2021 15:43

The OPG in Scotland is based in Falkirk and just mildly in front of the DVLA for turning things around. I submitted something to them around March for their review, sent registered post together with £1k in fees, but they haven’t got back to me yet. You could have a joke with your parents that it’s just as well they won’t need it activated for a good long time.

Often quite helpful to bring up the subject of POA in front of their friends. I know lots of people in their 40s and 50s who have got theirs done. Loads of people have ‘tales’ about leaving it too late so if your parents’ friends are up for it good to widen the discussion and then it’s more about the right thing to do in retirement rather than specifically about a power grab by yourself

Wheelchairs - my mum’s care home has too many and often say if I know someone who needs one they are happy to release one.
If you do go down the route of buying one you will be able to claim the VAT back. Big wheels I find easier for my DM.

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