Just need to vent

[SylviasMotherSaid]

My parents divorced many years ago my DF is now 69 but suffers from heart conditions COPD and has an aortic anyeurism which is slightly bigger than anyone is happy with but he isn’t fit for one of the surgeries on it . He was recently hospitalised after feeling dizzy and collapsed in waiting room . No visitors were allowed in our hospital so he was in a week and is home now with no diagnosis but has to get a colonoscopy as he is at the loo constantly . My sibling lives in another part of U.K. so everything relating to my DF falls to me . He can look after himself in some ways but can’t really stand to cook anymore then suffers with toilet issues after eating . He has a family friend who goes in once a week to clean . I just feel so drained with everything I haven’t had a decent nights sleep in years as I am always worrying about him especially the anyeruism bursting . He lives in sheltered housing but there’s no staff on site . If he doesnt answer his phone I am stressing that something has happened when I am with him doing stuff for him I can’t do right for doing wrong . I am so drained with it all I dread to take a holiday or even to far for the day in case anything happens to him . I currently work from home full time but I dare say when restrictions ease I will be back in office which is also stressing me out . I know my local authority is struggling even to recruit carers so don’t know if he would even qualify for a care package . Don’t know why I am posting but I am still in my 30s most of my friends haven’t reached this stage yet so I feel I have no one to speak to about it .

Hello lovely, im so sorry to hear about your DF! what do you mean by sheltered housing? is there any chance he could have a red button around his neck to press if there is a problem? x

Sleep deprivation is so so hard.
Maybe your sibling could FaceTime him for a whole weekend, on and off, to allow you to catch up on much needed sleep.

Yeah he’s got alarms around the house it’s a red pull cord thing in every room . I just wish I had other people to chat to about everything and share experiences and concerns .

Hi luv. I’m in my 60s now but have had parents with disabilities since I was in my 20s. This sounds so hard. You can self refer online for a social services assessment, it may still be a phone or they may come out to see you.
Either way, your dad needs help, they’ll go through everything he needs help with and finds difficult. Has he got a wrist fall alarm ? If not that something you could look into.
They’ll also do a financial assessment, most people have to pay towards care, but he’ll still be left with enough to live on. Good luck.

Has he been assessed to see if he could be eligible for care? If not there is some info here
www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/care/arranging-care/care-needs-assessment/

I know it is tough when you have an elderly parent with needs. In our case I am the sibling that lives elsewhere, DSis is having to do it all. I feel awful there is little help I can offer.

Have you claimed for attendance allowance to help with his care? If not then that might be able to pay for someone so you at least get a couple of days rest each week. It won’t take the worry away unfortunately
www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/money-legal/benefits-entitlements/attendance-allowance/

See if your area has a carers organisation, which would give a chance to talk to others in a similar boat, and access to information

It is clear you cannot manage on your own any longer. What if something happened to you? Social services would have to come in and take care of your dad, so that is an indication that you both need extra help now and you have every right to get things underway.

You must look after yourself too and social services do recognise the pressure on family carers. A friend of mine was in hospital last year and an elderly woman with Alzheimer's was admitted to her ward because her main carer, her daughter, a woman in her 50s, had collapsed with a heart attack and there was nowhere else for her to go.

Most areas have a carers forum, which are a good source of information and support.

Has he has had an OT assessment? You don't need to stand to cook, they can recommend aids and adaptations that would help.

Thanks for all the suggestions . I am hoping that because he is already in sheltered housing that would hopefully improve his chances of getting some kind of care package in just someone to check in on him and that he’s managed to get through to bed and take his many medications would be wonderful . He gets enhanced PIP I think for some reason rather than Attendance Allowance and I am forever trying to encourage him to use this to buy things to make life more comfortable e.g a heated throw . His house is a new build so I wondered if OT can fit rails etc in yet I know some new builds can’t take any modifications until they have been standing a year (apologies for non technical term ).
I feel so disconnected from other people of my age my friends will tell me stuff they’re doing at the weekend or about holidays and mine consist of getting shopping in for dad and all the other stuff we have to do with older parents .
I know my dad would hate to think he’s a burden to me as well which is sad it’s lucky we do have a lot of common interests and both enjoy catching up on soaps and the news so spending time with him isn’t a hardship at all it’s just the worry when I am away from him .

If it’s peace of mind that you need, I have a friend who uses a USB camera costing £25 to check her DM hasn’t fallen in the hallway. My friend checks it from her phone.

We’ve used something similar to monitor the dog when he was ill. My faraway student could check he was lying in his bed and not in distress using an app called Clever Dog.

Oh I like the sounds of that although not sure what my dad would think !

Amazon Alexa does a video equipment, lots of people are using these now. So you could check in your dad virtually via these each night!

You can refer dad to adult social care dept for a needs assessment, it will be a long wait as he's not presenting as urgent. There isn't elevate equipment that is good for erring for those with epilepsy which might be useful for other brain events too like brain aneurisms risks- look up Argenti telecare (which can be used alongside sheltered housing alarm systems) - speak to one of their advisors about range of equipment they have and whether they cover his LA area . They also do medication dispensers that you fill up weekly and bleep at him to take it & tip it out doe him, as well as your usual lifeline alarms or falls detectors.

If you go through local social care dept referral process they may even arrange for telecare assessment (some LAs may even fund-it) if they feel he's their criteria under the care act2014

Living in shelters housing doesn't entitle someone to care package, sorry. It's the outcome of need and risks in needs assessment that determines it. There won't be a need for welfare check call to see how he is, for funded care pancake it'd have to be something like personal care (wash dress toilet needs), orientation due to dementia to time/ tasks with prompting needed , or being unable to get fluids or access food, sort of level of needs. That doesn't stop him from arranging a private funded card package though.

Apologies autocorrect made nonsense of middle part of second paragraph

There is telecare euipment that is good for alerting for those with epilepsy which might be useful for other brain events too like brain aneurisms risks- look up Argenti telecare (which can be used alongside sheltered housing alarm systems) - speak to one of their advisors about range of equipment they have and whether they cover his LA area ...