My dad needs full time care. My brother can't cope anymore

[thecatsarecrazy]

My dad was diagnosed with dementia this year, things have progressed quite quickly and badly. My brother lives with him but is at work all day, my dad isn't eating because he's forgotten how to get his food out the fridge and heat it up. I went round on Monday, my dad wouldn't eat and he kept soiling himself. My husband cleaned him up twice and I did once. He kept saying he needed to pee and couldn't go. I called an ambulance because I just couldn't cope. They did OBS and said they were ok and unless he had been loose 5 days they wouldn't take to hospital.
My brother went to work yesterday and left my dad in his bed. He had soiled himself again. I was unable to go round so I called a district nurse who checked on him and they called an ambulance.
My dad has savings but my brother hasn't sorted out the power of attorney yet. We desperately need help where do we begin? I don't know what the situation is at the hospital yet. It took me hours to get through last night and he was still waiting for a bed. I phoned about an assessment on Monday but was told it could take 20 days to get back to me.

Hi OP, adult social worker here. Speak with staff on the ward, and ensure that an admission notice has been sent to the hospital social work team. This will then ensure that your father is assessed prior to discharge.
If it were me, I would ask for the contact details for the team and contact them to double check.
The social worker will work within the Mental Capacity Act, and if your father is deemed to lack capacity regarding his support needs then a Best Interest decision will be made, in conjunction with you all, re support needed on discharge.

This may be either short term home care calls to further establish your father’s abilities and needs. It may be that if he had a routine and regular support, meals and drinks that he improves a little.

Or, if it is felt that he needs 24 hour support then a short term respite bed may be considered. This may be useful as this will give time for things such as an effective long term home supper package and telecare equipment to be put in place.

Shally your post will help so many on this board in weeks to come.

When FIL became ill we struggled to get him into hospital. Eventually his GP made him go. It's was a huge relief and he was kept in for some time (partly thanks to him catching Covid on the ward). We used that time to sort a care home for him (he was self funding) and when he was well enough to leave hospital went straight to the care home 'to recover'.

Is he in hospital now?

If so tell them that he cannot be discharged home as there is nobody to care for him.

Tell them that they either need to arrange full time care or a residential place.

Second PPs who recommend going via the hospital in this case. Basically get them to liaise with adult social care and refuse to take him home until you have some sort of care package in place. Don't worry about the finances at this stage.

It is so stressful coming to this new, the professionals are very good but I think they forget how bewildering it is when it is all new to you.

Hope you get help soon, once a new regime is up and running it will get better and more bearable.

Good luck

I'm afraid you may have missed the boat in respect of POA, unless you mean it is registered but you haven't activated yet. Does your DF have moments of clarity?

I am so sorry your family are going through this.

Yes he's in hospital now. I've been trying to call since yesterday afternoon to try and find out what's actually happening. Took me an hour yesterday just to be asked to call back again in another hour. I got though ok this morning and they asked me to call again this afternoon. I tried for 20mins

Absolutely be firm with the hospital. I had issues with my friend, their discharge social worker wanted him to sort out his flat out. But there was no way he would have coped going back there. Even with carers. He's now in a home. Safe and cared for.

I'm going through similar. Had to fight to get my mother into hospital with what we thought was depression but now turns out to be dementia.

If he is in hospital you must say there is no one at home to care for him. Otherwise they will throw you under the bus to keep him out of care/hospital. That is what we had to do-- essentially that we couldnt be at home with my mother. Only then did they put a plan into action.

Sorry you are going through this. It is really horrible isnt it.

In our situation we did our research and rang round the care homes. Told them he was self funding and did they have a place. Then we rang the hospital and told them he was going straight to the care home and wouldn't be returning home. Once he was in the home we sorted the money side of it (we did have POA). If he had come home he would never had agreed to the care home.

I've spoken to the nurse and they realise that he's not safe at home, he's not eating and drinking properly. They have escalated a safeguarding issue. I think my dad has probably said my brother has been hitting him. I'm pretty sure my brother hasn't and as dad has dementia it's obviously a very difficult thing. He's being treated for constipation atm. And blood tests to see if any other issues. I have to phone in the morning to visit.

I think my dad has probably said my brother has been hitting him

Oh, that's so difficult OP, they do say these things unfortunately.,we have been accused of all sorts by MIL, it's horrible for your DB but they have heard all these things before. They would be able to tell if your dad was being hit or not.