Anyone out there with full--time live-in private care?

[WanderleyWagon]

Hello, I'm a long-time lurker and occasional poster on this board and was hoping for some advice.

My father lives in our home country, and my sibling and I both live abroad. I'm the main person who visits and tries to support my father (do weekly food orders, find tradesmen online, organise holidays together etc.). My father is physically in reasonable shape, mobile, compos mentis etc. but emotionally vulnerable, passive and prone to low mood. He struggles with anything technological and anything that involves planning. Recently he has said things which show he's more disposed towards accepting care than he used to be, but he has always said he doesn't want to be "in a home".

I'm exploring care options and my gut feeling is that the only way to keep him in his own home is to get live-in care/companion/housekeeper. I don't think he yet needs much personal care but expect he will fairly soon, and he definitely needs help with things like making and receiving calls, dealing with his television, etc. He is also lonely and anxious. I'm just wondering, do any MNers have a parent with live-in care in the home, either caring-type or companion-type? How have you found it? Upsides? Downsides? How did you find the person/people? Any advice or experiences would be very welcome.

If your father is in the UK, he is entitled to a free assessment of his needs - see here for more information www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/care/arranging-care/care-needs-assessment/
Adult services (if in the UK) can support you both to understand the care and support options available. Good luck :-)

My grandfather had live in carers for the last couple of years of his life. They were really good - REALLY good - looked after him really well (he was still getting himself up and dressed etc.) but they made lunch and super for him - and us if we were there, and then either ate with us if we asked them to, or not.... with them, he was able to live at home until almost the end, and he could instruct them to do the things that he would have liked to have done, but couldn't - such as hide chocolate in the garden for my children at Easter, etc. During lockdown they helped with the technology so that we could keep in touch with him - and kept him company in what might otherwise have been a VERY lonely time. They also organised all the shopping etc. He ended up having 2 on 3 month rotas (ie one at a time, then they'd swap. It was something the agency insisted on - something about never wanting their carers to become too attached to their clients or vice-versa, but we requested the same ones over and over as it was easier/ nicer/ nobody would have minded if he'd married one but he didn't - there was never any hint of romance!) They would take every other weekend off, and we'd take turns going to stay to look after him. The only thing I should mention is that it was very expensive. But 100% worth it. They also totally allowed him to live in the past towards the end - which was where he wanted to be. They were amazing. And so incredibly kind and patient. More so than we - his family - would have been able to be.

I've found it great for my elderly parent. Mostly carers are v good, though the agencies saying they try to match them like companions is pretty implausible. Ours seems to advertise. They sort out all the pay and contracts. Life is much easier. It's half the price of our nearest care homes. We started off with hourly care for both meds and companionship- that might be a good start?

Oh - when I say it was expensive - it was technically less than his nursing home at the very end, but once you factored in running the house with all those associated costs the two were about the same.

Thank you so much to everyone who has responded - that's really helpful. I should say my father isn't in the UK; he's on a list for an assessment but it's been nearly a year and no sign of an appointment yet, sigh.
I'm going home next month for a few days though, so should be able to try and nudge things forward.

Does he need someone with him overnight? Or could just a daily carer/companion be enough?

It depends on what care costs are in the country where he lives, but I would agree that in the UK, the cost of a live-in carer, once you add it to all the other costs of running a house/flat, can end up being more expensive than a care home. When I was looking for solutions for my father, I was quoted £1,300 a week for live-in care (fairly upmarket agency, so I am sure you can get them for a bit less but not widely off the mark), so more than £67k a year.

They still don't provide 24-hour service, obviously - the carer gets time off during the day and at night, but my father needed someone on call 24-hours, and sometimes needed two people at a time to help him in the bathroom, so ended up going into a care home, at roughly £45k a year.