What do you do when you can't/won't care for your parent?

[PuertoPollensa]

NC for this.

I live 100 miles from my widowed DM. I have a job, DH, DC, general life commitments etc.
I am also pregnant. (This pregnancy is not necessarily high risk but neither is it low risk)

My DM is physically healthy but has mental health issues - probably severe anxiety. She will not seek help.

My siblings (no partners/children) are living close to her and are understandably tired of visiting. DM would like 24/7 company and does not seem to realize that her demands on my siblings are excessive.

I am not prepared to commit to visiting on a regular basis for the next 6 months and probably longer. I do not want to travel in winter when heavily pregnant, nor will I be putting a small baby in the car for a 5 hour round trip.

DM is physically capable of travelling and does so frequently to a holiday home that is twice as far away as my house. DM will not visit me for a reason of her own. My family and I have visited her about once a month (since lockdown eased of course).

However, my physical and mental health are important to me. My siblings think I should visit. I think my DM should seek professional help. She is not old, could live another 15 years and has plenty friends. She prefers however to put my siblings in a partner role. I think this is too much pressure and they should set boundaries with her, rather than accuse me of not helping. I cannot be there.

Any advice?

I appreciate that I am not dropping everything to visit but I feel my life circumstances are not being taken into account by my family and my DM is not physically sick. Yes, mental illness is serious too but if she refuses counselling etc then it's unfair of her to rely on her children.

I have not posted in AIBU because I would welcome advice and not censure. Thank you

Just stick to your guns, dont get guilt tripped into anything. Say no, and mean it,

@Orangejuicemarathoner
Thank you. I will be saying no and will try very hard to mean it. There might be the possibility of a trip in November but I think that would have to be the last one

You do not owe anyone your life. Your DM has her issues and is avoiding addressing them; your siblings need to set their own boundaries.
Many people see their families less frequently than you see your DM and that’s entirely fine. You do not need to explain to your siblings, and you don’t need to feel guilty. You, your immediate family and your unborn child are your priorities and that’s absolutely fine.
No real advice other than, you are doing fine, stick to it.
Congrats on your pregnancy.

Get together with your siblings before too long and have a real heart to heart. She will set you against each other but if you are all on same page, your sibling bond will strengthen. Sounds like she’s not respecting that each of you have your own lives and is being matriarchal still. My advice to you is to urge your siblings to move away, too. Did she care for her parents or in-laws?

@Quickchangeartiste thank you ☺️
@Mum5net we will have a talk. Because my siblings live very close to her, and have no families of their own, they think I should do more. Vs deciding to set their own boundaries. DM does not respect that my siblings have their own lives but they do not try to change things, they just give more time. I have talked to them about boundaries.
DM moved away from her home town and never cared for her parents as she had children and was very far away.
My DGM was cared for by her family for a very short time - she would go from house to house but there were far more siblings to share the load, their families were grown up , and it didn't last for long as it was unsustainable.

I don't think my DM would see that she expects to be cared for / have company constantly. I think she thinks my siblings are happy to call over. Or if they're going to the supermarket then she may as well join them then stay for dinner etc.

I think the care system exists for a reason, and people need to engage with it (your dm I mean here).

However if the general relationships within the family are good, then offering some remore support would be good for your siblings. Can you do anything to ease the burden from afar?

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz yes, it's important to engage with the services available
Tbh I wouldn't say my relationship with my DM is great anyway. She hasn't been particularly nice to me this year (won't visit) and we didn't have a "cuddly" relationship when I was growing up. So I feel like to now need me to be around is drawing on a bank of goodwill that was not built up when I needed it. That might sound mercenary and DM is not a bad person at all. But I was not mothered in the way I now mother my own DC (or aspire to at least).

And I will consider what I can offer from a distance. But she is perfectly physically capable. Just at the moment is in mental shut down over an anxiety issue that she has blown out of proportion (health professionals agree that she does not need to worry about this thing that she is terrified of)

So I mean that if the "only" help she requires is constant company I can't do that.
An online shopping order, I could organize that, but it's not necessary if you know what I mean

Your siblings' inability to assert their own needs and boundaries is not your problem OP.

I always hate the threads where posters berate their other family members for (in their eyes) not doing 'enough' for elderly parents simply because they themselves are running themselves ragged.

Nobody is obligated to provide care for their parents. If you want to help in some way and are happy to do so then fair enough, but it doesn't seem like you are, and you should not feel guilty about that. Have a good think about what you might be prepared to help with (if anything), and then have a conversation with your siblings and your DM and tell them what you are prepared to do (or not do, as the case may be). Don't explain yourself and don't negotiate.

Interesting she is hanging out with your siblings rather than catching up on being a grandparent after a very long period of enforced lockdown.
My DSis and I knew when DM was 60 that her old age was going to be difficult. She’s 90 now. All our worries and concerns were bang on but we couldn’t stop them happening…

@JonahofArk your first sentence has summed up my position really well. Thank you.

@Mum5net yes, we thought she would be delighted to see DC at least (whatever about DH and I!) but she refuses to visit. A certain aspect of our house illogically triggers her anxiety. But she doesn't seem to think that refusing to address this issue means that she will therefore never see DC and the new baby unless we make the effort each time to go to her. And that very small babies can't be in case seats for long so we won't be visiting. Or that as a working couple with children our weekends are our downtime/ catch up on housework time. For her as a retired person, with no other commitments, every day is essentially a weekend day

i feel sorry for her.
it's easy for the person who has not got the problem to tell someone that they are worrying needlessly, and should just top doing so.
that they are being irrational.
isn't that like telling someone to pull themselves together.
i don't know what to suggest re the practicalities of travelling/visiting.
but i just feel she is a person, not just a problem or nuisance.
and we will all be old one day, hopefully.
and less needed.. and maybe lonely. it's sad.

@alexdgr8 thank you for your perspective. Yes, I feel sorry for her too. And there is a tendency in society for mental health to be seen as less important. But, if it was a physical illness - diabetes for example - we would say " your children can't help you, you must seek professional help".
This anxiety is causing my DM to miss out on life. She's so afraid of dying ( and whatever else) she's not actually living. So I think she needs to seek professional help, my siblings and I cannot help to solve this problem.

Having them/me around might prop her up but long term it's not feasible. And I am not willing to sacrifice my time/family time/ self care to her.

It's not that she is a problem, but her behaviour is.

alex but if the person with the problem refuses to try to fix their issue with the help and love and support of those around, what does OP do?
Thirty years on my DM who refused to address her issues has impacted on every one around. Siblings that may have moved away felt they couldn’t. If OP’s mum refuses professional help it’s perfectly possible the siblings all fall out over who helps her most and who is presumed doesn’t care. This can lead to a divided family and the children of OP not having contact with their potential future cousins. Believe me it’s a ‘thing’
With the benefit of hindsight there are always turning points and good and bad decisions.
I don’t walk in the shoes of OP but maybe she has recognised she is at one of these turning points and her siblings have not .

What would you do if you were a son, not a daughter? What would you expect a male colleague of yours, with kids and another on the way, to do, if he were in the same situation (feel free to add an extra health issue to make up for him not actually being pregnant!).

I find asking myself this question clears things up a lot in my head - because it helps clarify whether doing something would actually, you know, make anything better or whether it's just pointless presenteeism.

Random question could DM get a pet or would that be too much for her ?

Agree with you. Your siblings can make a rod for their own backs but have no rights to make one for yours.

You cant control her or your siblings behaviour.
You can only control your own.
Their choices arent your problem and they are actually being incredibly unfair to you.

Your instinct that enabling her mental illness doesnt help is spot on. I would advocate a pleasant but immovable position on visiting.
"Hi Mum, you know i'm normally happy to visit but i cant leave the baby and taking them in the car for that long is dangerous. You are welcome to come visit, we'd love to see you. You can stay with us or i can find an airbnb/hotel nearby... if that doesnt suit happy to do a skype on thursday to have a chat with you and the kids"

What is it about your house that makes her too anxious to visit?

You simply need to point out to your siblings that it is up to them to set whatever boundaries they wish with your mother, and that you have set yours. It is not up to you to travel to see your mother just to ease their conscience for not being able to stand up for themselves. If it comes to a stage where your mother needs actual help and medical care then you can all come together and make decisions based on her needs, not necessarily her wants/demands.

@Mum5net yes, this is what's happening. I am the one who "doesn't care, doesn't pull my weight and leaves everything for my siblings to do". When actually, they are choosing to do more than they are happy to do.

@MysterOfWomanY presenteeism is exactly what my siblings want. They "have to" be there so I should too. Except for them it's a 15/20 mins trip, for me it's 2.5 hours

Perhaps it's time she moved into a retirement flat or complex so she has more social interaction?

@Strangevipers and @BeepingBB
My DM could definitely do with a pet but is not a pet person. She will not visit us because we have a dog. She will visit every other person she knows who has a dog. She has never met our dog so it's not a judgement based on the canine in question!

@freshcarnation @LivingLaVidaBabyShower & @Notaroadrunner thank you , you are helping me to clarify my thoughts and put together an argument (not in the aggressive sense, but rather persuasive sense) for when I talk to my siblings

@Comedycook she actually has plenty friends and if she chose to contact them all she would have enough social contact to keep her going for a month. And then she could start back at the beginning!
It's a choice I think, when her anxiety gets bad she completely shuts down , refuses social contact and will not make any effort. But will bit address the root cause of the anxiety/attend therapy/CBT

*will not address the root cause