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Elderly parents
Original poster

First steps supporting someone with Alzheimer’s

32 replies

TheChosenTwo · 18/09/2021 10:56

Sorry, I’m sure this post has appeared hundreds of times but I would really like some advice.
My grandad has Alzheimer’s and is rapidly declining in his ability to keep himself and his home under control.
He doesn’t live locally but I’m the only family he has. I hold PoA but haven’t had to use this yet (I don’t actually know how to ‘use’ it or what to do with it to be honest).
I’m going to see him at home today to talk to him about how to help him. He has discussed before that he doesn’t want to go into a home and will not leave his house. But I’m getting all kinds of distressed phone calls from him when I’m at work, asking me to get to him ASAP because of various emergencies. When I get there, nothing is wrong and he says that he didn’t say to come then and there, just when I could, because eg his toilet seat is broken or he’s worried about a fence panel in his garden.
This can’t continue, my job doesn’t really allow me to do this easily. I think he just wants company. I do get up and see him as frequently as possible. I call him on the days that I can’t.
I think he needs to go into a home but I just don’t know how to do it. I don’t know who to contact. I’ve tried contacting his GP to ask if he has a social worker (he tells me he does but I can’t see any paperwork at his house regarding it) but they’ve not got back to me. He’s been assessed a few times by the memory clinic and they called me and left a message, when I called back they were closed…
Just feeling like I’ve got the weight of the world on my shoulders and I have no idea where to turn or how to get help for him.
Any advice? He’s also currently going through an awful process of a divorce which isn’t helping, he knows what’s going on and his solicitors are keeping us both informed of each step but I know this is causing additional stress.
I’ve never had to negotiate my way through anything like this, sorry if my post is rambly and nonsensical but I’d be grateful if anyone could help Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
TheChosenTwo · 18/09/2021 11:01

Just to add, social services (I’m guessing?) had organised carers to come in twice a day to check he was getting up and having breakfast and taking his medication and the same for the evening but he told them he didn’t want them in his house anymore because he was convinced they were snooping in his bedroom. So they’ve gone.
It’s so frustrating.

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freshcarnation · 18/09/2021 11:36

It's tricky. Unless your grandfather agrees he needs to go into a home it won't happen. He is also allowed to turn down carers if he doesn't want them. Would he agree to a gardener/cleaner visiting? This is often a good gateway to getting someone to agree to help.

Original poster
TheChosenTwo · 18/09/2021 11:52

I’ve organised cleaners previously (he really needs this) but he’s accused them of stealing from him and chased them out of the house.
His garden is his pride and joy and he wouldn’t let anyone else do this.
He had to have a tree cut down a while ago and he wrote them a blank cheque Confused

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DominicRaabsTravelAgent · 18/09/2021 14:14

That sounds like such a difficult situation. First thing I'd do is to get in touch with his bank abs doctors abs inform them both that you have POA and you want it on record.

Original poster
TheChosenTwo · 18/09/2021 16:47

The doctors already have a copy of my POA, the solicitors sent me a copy to pass on to them. But no one contacts me. He was recently admitted to hospital after a reaction to the vaccine and i didn’t know.
He banks with several places, there are issues with him drawing out large amounts of cash and losing them/giving them away and I’ve spoken to the different banks, been in to see them and they’ve agreed to call me when he goes in to make withdrawals over a certain amounts and yet this hasn’t happened and he’s drawn out over £9,000 since July, he doesn’t know what he’s done with any of it although I found £2,000 in his house today. I don’t know what to do,
I’m at my wits end with it all.

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DominicRaabsTravelAgent · 18/09/2021 17:04

If you have POA could you close those accounts and move them to ones he can't access so that he has enough to live on but his savings are secure?

Original poster
TheChosenTwo · 18/09/2021 17:12

Possibly. Worth looking in to. It would be a good start but I don’t really want to start getting involved in his finances because he literally loses money (last year I found 8K in a pillowcase in his cupboard when changing his bedsheets and he honestly didn’t know where it had come from, I find things like this often to be honest. He tells me people are robbing him, hence it being difficult to get anyone like a cleaner in but I know he’s just forgetful and loses things.
Today I also discovered that 4K has come out of one account even though he said he ripped up the cheque for the person he wrote it for because they were conmen and he decided to use another tradesman to do a job for him. But something has happened because the money has left the account and there’s a bankstub saying £4000 - he can remember the name of the man who came but not the name of the company. I’ve googled but not found anything. He then said not to worry about it, just to leave it and forget it, it’s gone and he’s been robbed.

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Original poster
TheChosenTwo · 18/09/2021 17:12

Sorry, at the beginning I said I didn’t want to get involved in his finances but didn’t say that it’s because I don’t want him to start accusing me of robbing him too.

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DominicRaabsTravelAgent · 19/09/2021 08:26

I'm really not sure what to advise. Your DGF obviously gave you POA because he wanted you to make the decisions to keep him safe should he no longer be able to make those decisions abs it sounds like he hasn't been able to for a while now.

I don't really have much experience. Id ask @MNHQ to move your thread over to the Elderly Parents Section. It's a bit busier in that section and they are some lovely MNers with lots of experience of Dementia.

I'd also speak to an Admiral Nurse. They are open 9am to 5pm today Thanks

Original poster
TheChosenTwo · 19/09/2021 13:01

Thanks @DominicRaabsTravelAgent I’ve just asked them to move it.
I didn’t realise there were an elderly parents topic, I thought this would be the best place to post Grin

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Original poster
TheChosenTwo · 19/09/2021 15:29

Thanks for moving this HQ Flowers

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Original poster
TheChosenTwo · 19/09/2021 15:33

And another thank you @DominicRaabsTravelAgent, I’ll call the angels and see if they can help too.
I didn’t know they existed so I appreciate you sharing this resource Flowers
I’m feeling so down and overwhelmed with it all that I’ve actually ordered myself a massive bouquet of flowers to come tomorrow!

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thesandwich · 19/09/2021 15:55

So sorry op. Not much advice, but lots of sympathy.
Have you registered POA with the banks? Some have departments dealing with POA/ elderlies. Sounds like it might be worth contacting them if instructions are not being followed. Is he deemed to have capacity? Might be worth contacting sw about that.
🌺🌺🌺🌺

Original poster
TheChosenTwo · 19/09/2021 22:22

Yes, I have registered the POA with all the banks I can think of that he has accounts with.
He was deemed to just about have capacity at the last assessment which was a year and a half ago but he has declined quite sharply since. It was very close.
I can’t track down a social worker.
He had a nurse visit him the other day when dh was there with him, she was there to listen to his chest as he’s been really wheezy for about 6 weeks now, it sounds awful and he’s been given some steroids which he forgets to take so it’s not getting better. Dh mentioned to her that he didn’t seem to be coping well on his own now and she said she’d speak to social services. But last time they organised carers for him and then he sent them packing. I don’t know if they’ll try again to be honest. They must do as they must have a duty of care but at the same time, if someone refuses help…
Arghhhh! I wish he lived closer Confused
Thanks @thesandwich Cake

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Toolateplanting · 22/09/2021 07:26

Hi op
Sounds like it’s time to step up and take on some of the powers he invested in you when he gave u POa. He’s at risk of financial exploitation and I would wonder whether he is managing medication, meals, shopping etc.
Time for a direct conversation with him. If he doesn’t seem to be taking it in / able to act to keep himself safe you need to do this. Boundaries and support with his finances now as this will only get harder.
Alzheimer’s Uk have a helpline which is good.
Re Social work - a referral to safeguarding/adult support and protection (google that and his local council) spelling out the risk you believe he is at. Their first advice will be as above posters have said to use your poa powers to support him more with finances. They will also discuss his care needs, how he is managing health wise and will give advise kn how to access homecare.
I would also call the GP and request a discussion re his health, capacity etc. Good luck.

MereDintofPandiculation · 22/09/2021 09:15

Refusing care is very common. Social Services are used to it - they won’t hold it against your Dad. That’s something really good about them - they’ve seen it all, take it all as normal. Very reassuring when you’re facing something quite outside your experience and totally bizarre.

RoseMartha · 22/09/2021 10:04

Call adult social care and age uk

Adult social care might be able to point you in the direction of a day centre which focuses on dementia . It would be good for your dad to attend one

Original poster
TheChosenTwo · 22/09/2021 11:36

Thank you everyone.
I have called and left several messages for his GP and he has not got back to me. I’ve registered with all his banks (that I know of) but now need to request card access to his accounts so I can start paying some bills (separate legal issue ongoing and the solicitor needs paying). Initially I refused access to the accounts as I didn’t want him to think I was interfering but I know I need to now.
He doesn’t seem able to retain any information that I talk to him about, he just starts talking about things that happens 50/60/70 years ago, repeating stories on a loop.
He used to go to his local branch of Age Concern which was brilliant; they were great people there but they’ve closed down now and he can’t get to the next nearest one.
It’s all so bloody hard.
He’s over an hour away from me so I’m running myself ragged up and down there after work and between sorting out my 3dc.
Other than his GP who else might Be able to tell me if he has a social worker?

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Toolateplanting · 22/09/2021 13:53

He won’t have an allocated social worker. They are assigned just for specific assessments and interventions. You need to contact duty older adults team /safeguarding / adult support and protection with your concerns. Are u in Scotland or England?

Original poster
TheChosenTwo · 24/09/2021 22:38

I’m in England.
I can’t get hold of his GP still, it’s a total nightmare. Now I’m not sure why I’m so adamant on getting hold of his GP, it seemed so important now but I’ve lost sight of why Confused

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RoseMartha · 24/09/2021 23:11

When my parents were diagnosed they were given a SW straight away.

The Adult Social Care should be able to tell you who that is.

MereDintofPandiculation · 25/09/2021 07:58

He doesn’t seem able to retain any information that I talk to him about, he just starts talking about things that happens 50/60/70 years ago, repeating stories on a loop. Quite normal! Start developing an interest in family history Grin. Anything you need him to remember back it up in writing - calendar in prominent place (easier if he's always used a calendar, otherwise he'll forget he has one), notes stuck in prominent places. Big clear writing - eyesight gets less discriminatory. Anything less important (a relative has got married, another one has had a baby, one of your DC has won an award) just get used to telling him over and over again. Find ways to cope with the tedium of repeating stories - when my father was at home, I was always doing housework for him which occupied half my mind, in the nursing home I do crochet.

GoodnightGrandma · 25/09/2021 08:02

You need to get back onto SS as him refusing carers is a red flag.
You will probably end up going through the legal Avenue of having him forced into care eventually.
I tell you this as a warning - the more you do, the more they will expect you to do. To get him into a home you have to pull away and let him fail. Only then will SS step up.

helpfulperson · 25/09/2021 08:21

The alzheimer's society are good for advice and for knowing what help is available. It's hard if he doesn't want help but there are options such as day centres etc which may appeal more to him and provide company.

Original poster
TheChosenTwo · 25/09/2021 09:07

@MereDintofPandiculation yes I have been hearing the same family stories for about 3 years now Grin
He’s like a glitched record, I wonder if he just doesn’t think he’s ever told me before even when he said it to me 40 seconds ago.
He gets really sad about his childhood, it’s sad hearing him talking about and it upsetting himself and he does it over and over again.
It’s painful to see him like this.
He doesn’t want me doing any housework, he follows me around and tells me to sit down and then shows me paperwork which is all old, I’ve encouraged him to maybe ‘file’ some of the old (years old) paperwork because he gets confused by it but he doesn’t want to. The housework is in dire need but he just keeps telling me not to bother.
It’s tiresome!

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