What course to take next.

[MadameHomais]

My FiL is widowed and has lived with his sister who is also a widow for the last 15 years. They are both early nineties.
They live alone. Both have mental capacity. D Aunt is active for her age. She Totally refuses to see her own limitations though. She cares for FiL admirably. He has no mobility and is doubly incontinent from time to time. More frequently recently. He cannot get to a bathroom but is able to use a bottle or be seated on a commode with assistance.
They have carers four times a day for FiL’s care and sometimes an overnight carer to allow DA to get some rest.
Most of the time there is little for them to do as DA does everything as FIL demands this.

He is a very unpleasant and difficult man. He he has no respect for women or those he considers to be his inferiors.

I have always found he does not respect personal boundaries and have taken care for the last 25 years never to be alone with him.
He still behaves inappropriately with female carers- at his great age.
I have an absolute horror of being alone with him.

Our DA is a dear, sweet lady who can see no wrong in him. I think he has dominated her all her life.

I visit regularly but refuse to do any personal care. My FiL asks me for this regularly.
No other members of the family visit as they are so horrified by his behaviour.

Our DA is becoming weaker with all the effort of caring for him. My DH works long hours and is away from home fairly often but does a lot when he is able to. His DF refuses personal care from him though.

The GP says FiL has capacity and can choose to stay at home. Despite his very strange behaviour, refusal to wear clothes or wash.

I can see a situation where my DA can no longer cope, or collapses or worse.
I will be left with FiL and the thought terrifies me. What would happen if I refused to help. Would social services step in? Can they force me to do his personal care if my DH is away?

He really should be in residential care now.

No, you can't be forced to do any care. Yes, social services will sort him out. Social services may put a bit of pressure on, or imply that you have to, but you don't. No reason or excuse needed. Just make it clear to them that you're not willing.

Dont worry, you will not be expected to look after him at all. If auntie can no longer manage, becomes unwell or passes, the carers will re assess his situation and he will need to make tough choices about staying at home or moving to a carehome. I would think about stepping back a bit now if he is so unpleasant.

Sounds awful. I can't get my head round such sexist attitudes. No one can force you to do anything to help your father in law. No one can force personal care on you. There's no reason why anyone would expect it to be you either. Your husband could refuse to take anything to do with his father as well. If your father-in-law won't allow his son to help why should he be allowing a woman to help? Social services will deal with it. Just dont volunteer for anything. Don't worry about it you are in control, just say No. Let your husband deal with it, it's his father after all. Has your aunt had a needs assessment for herself as she appears to be her brothers carer and is very elderly herself? Can you take her out for a coffee etc to get her away for a bit and talk to her. However I'm sure she's set in her ways herself if she can see nothing wrong in her brothers behaviour. If it was me I would be reducing my visits and trying to get the aunt away from it all. If they have carers and the carers have nothing to do your aunt is doing far too much.

OP, no one can force you. You are your own person - don’t go.

Have you posted before about your FIL? This rings a bell. He sounds vile and you owe him none of your time.

What do you mean by he refuses to wear clothes? Is he in pyjamas all day

You cannot be forced to carry out any personal care for him. Who owns the home they live in or do they rent? I am just wondering how a care home might be financed if this is required.

I used to take Da out regularly. She enjoyed weekend breaks away. She is good company.
She feels she can’t leave him now.
He is very controlling. The carers have spoken to us about it but whilst she has capacity it is her choice.
The GP is no help at all. I think if someone in authority told Da it was too much for her she would listen. She refers to my DH and I as
“ the children”! The Gp said they both have capacity and can make their own choices.
Fil is permanently in bed wearing just a pyjama top.

Oh dear - poor DA having lived a life with such a controlling brother.
Well done for keeping visiting and giving her some company, it's all to easy to walk away as the others have. You absolutely do not ever need to care for him.
You can refer DA to Social Services, as a carer she is entitled to a carers assessment. This might help her get more assistance, feel she's getting recognition and support she doesn't get from him. Do you think she might be encouraged to go to a carers club or a regular weekly class - something where she gets regular down time from him ?
The carers can and should be raising concerns about his behaviour and addressing this with him / his GP re his capacity. Old shouldn't mean you can just be rotten to people.
Best wishes

Make it absolutely crystal clear that you will NEVER provide care for him.

Every time he or anyone else mentions it.