Am I being awful or do you need to protect yourself a bit?

[foofooloo]

Hi, think I just need a bit of a vent or a handhold as not sure what if any help anyone can really give to be honest.

My parents aren’t even that elderly at 70 and 72 but both have disabilities and in the last 4 months or so things have gone downhill to almost crisis point and my mum especially is becoming so demanding and needy I don’t know what to do about it.

For background my dad has always had ill health, mobility issues for about 20 years, and been ill tempered and miserable (picture the one that sits in the corner shouting Feck in Father Ted, that’s basically my dad although not through drink) but always managed to get himself about the house, in and out of bed showers etc and so on. Around Easter however his health took a sudden dip and his mobility has gone to almost zero, he’s become incontinent and keeps having falls. We have some external support from carers twice a day and the falls team.

My mum meanwhile out of the blue had a very rare cancer a few years ago that required a huge and horrible operation which has left her facially disfigured and with struggles to eat and talk. This has obviously been hugely traumatic for her.

I have always been very present in their lives, always lived close and seen them almost every day, even before illness I helped them a lot with various stuff, holidayed woth them etc.

However I have a very young family now, a job, my partner is on the rigs so is away for long periods.

Things have spiralled since Easter with my mum especially struggling to cope woth caring for my dad but also I suspect either having a depression/PTSD coming through possibly delayed reaction to her own situation and lockdown etc OR the beginning of dementia- and I don’t know which or perhaps a bit of both??

I am getting crisis calls or texts from her almost daily. When I go round it inevitably ends in an argument or a fall out, often over “nothing” really, she is crying and angry - my mum was never like this before, I never saw her cry once in my life until recently. Even when her own parents died.

Me and my brother have been running around frying to get supports put in for them, carers, adaptations to their completely unsuitable house, talking about an extension for them that we will contribute to pay for, bought dad an electronic wheelchair, shifting furniture and putting up handles etc, phoning people and meeting people all while both working. But yesterday I go round and she’s sitting there in tears saying no one will help her and neither of us care?! This was me dropping in shopping for her, I said I needed to go to pick my daughter up from school and as I said her name she rolled her eyes and thag was it for me… I lost it.

I am now sitting here absolutely fuming with her and can’t bring myself to check up on her or to try and make things up with her this tine.

I feel like she’s behaving badly - but am I wrong for thinking this? Am I being mean or do I need to be firm with her? Is there a point where you need to protect yourself a bit? I have my own kids to look after and be present for and happy and energetic woth and I can’t do thag if my mum is draining me emotionally all the time?

I am new to this so need a bit of help with boundaries and guilt I think? Sorry for tbe long post.

@Tangledtresses I have a horrible feeling this is the start of dementia, it’s just so out of character.

Totally not unreasonable. You must protect yourself. 70-2 is also pretty young to be so needy- they absolutely need more care or supported housing. Do go back to soc services - and don't feel bad for helping your parents realise this is the price of staying put, 'independent'.

@foofooloo

If you can face it, and have the time and energy, start a brief diary of occurrences, some days there might be nothing worth noting, but it will be very useful for future reference.

You do have to protect yourself. My mum has needed a huge amount of help since late seventies. She's now in her nineties. I should have learnt to say no when her demands became too much, but I carried on putting her wants before everything else. To be honest I assumed she wouldn't make old bones. Every Christmas was her last Christmas...

It's just this past year that I've grown a backbone and now put my children and grandchildren first.

YANBU
The only way we got help in my parents house was at a crisis point. The investigation and contacts made it doable, there were times of chaos.

My mother was in a care home with vascular dementia, and my father at home with carers, after mum became aggressive to dad, though he didn’t accept her condition and wound her up…
Any rational discussion was useless, and the expectations/stubbornness made life so much harder than it should have been. Oddly, once carers were in the home, both mum and dad enjoyed their company, and they were wonderful with both of them, in different ways.
Never feel guilty, get the help they need, you can’t carry this weight at the expense of your children.

It's so difficult caring for elderly parents-some become large toddlers when they reach a certain point in life. I've got my historically abusive father with moderate Alzheimer's and other serious health issues and my Mother with lupus and other issues but has extreme anxiety and flat out refuses anti anxiety tablets. My poor younger sister lives with them and is being treated like hired help.They usually want to go out daily for errands that are unnecessary-daily trips to the bank or lunch out. She refuses to do online banking and thinks her way is acceptable. I live hundreds of miles away with a severely disabled son and my life revolves around him. I have other siblings who understand but my younger sister has directed outbursts towards me about a "lack of help." Mom doesn't want to move closer to another sister so it is what it is. Best of luck @foofooloo

What happens when you go on holiday or times like B/H or Christmas or even if you are ill yourself ? How do they cope then ?
What I'm saying is you can't run your own life and theres as well. They ( if mentally capable ) have to have responsibility for themselves. Sadly some parents seem to give up on that when the going gets tough , and expect their children to do it for them .

@RuthTopp this is fairly new so we haven’t got to that stage yet, I expect my brother would step in although his job is less flexible and carers would increase although again we’ve been told they are understaffed as it is.

The comment from another poster about giant toddlers is so apt. That’s what they are both like. It’s sad and frustrating, and draining.

Do you have power of attorney forms all signed? That's really important.

[quote foofooloo]@TonTonMacoute yes maybe the seed will start to grow like you say now the reality of living in a completely unsuitable house becomes more tangible.

Until recently they got by, so trying to futureproof with them was impossible.[/quote]
Remember the reality won’t become tangible if you shield them from the consequences.

Just as they’ll only realise how much they depend on you if you remove yourself from the scene

The toddler comparison is interesting. Most of us have had toddlers at one time or another and we look after them as best we can.

Do we did this by giving it to their every wish and whim? God no, can you imagine?!

We sometimes have to have epic battles to persuade them to do things they don't like but which are good for them, and to stop them doing things which are downright harmful. This results in tantrums and tears which can feel like something drilling into your skull on a bad day.

However, we do this because we know that it is the best way to look after them. The same happens with teens too, that may even be a better comparison because they have more agency at that age.

I hate you! Because you won't let me - go to Glastonbury with my 'friends' who you don't know, wear my expensive birthday present to school, have my tongue pierced etc etc. However difficult it is you still stand firm because you know that in the end it is the best thing you are doing for them.

We should look after our parents as they become more dependent but that doesn't mean it's wrong to impose a few rules and strictures on them in order to do it well. Especially those who are determined not to give up anything on their side yet are blissfully unaware of all the sacrifices being made by their frazzled offspring.

It’s not quite the same, because we are responsible for our toddlers and teenagers, but we don’t have any responsibility for our parents. So on the one hand we do have to have regard for their right to make their own decisions, however bad, on the other, we can walk away for no other reason than we don’t feel like helping them.

Your priorities are you, your kids, your marriage.
If your parents are not being reasonable to suggestions being made to help THEM - then step back.. give it a week..no running around.. no answering phone calls.. let them experience reality..
If they want to make their own arrangements then that is their choice, but if they want support from their family then it will be when and only when they compromise and you can all sit doen and sort something out.
This idea that they can stay in their home is a fantasy.. it is not manageable.. it is not safe.. it is not sustainable..
Dont be browbeaten or guilted into sacrificing your life and your own family for them.

It sounds incredibly hard. My parents too, my dad in particular, are rural / farming born and bred: for him, the idea of moving to a town or being in shared accommodation would be less preferable than death. They are nowhere near that stage yet.

I have to agree with the others that your mum is crying out for help here, and you’re the only one she can do it to. She is

Have you got POA in place?

I re- read your OP. To me it looks like this is the crisis and it’s coming from your mum, not your dad. She’s trying to care for him round the clock with help from a couple of times a day? That’s not doable or sustainable and it’s not surprising that it’s coming out in anger and agression towards you.

Have you got Social Services on board ? To be fair, they’re useless, as we’ve unfortunately found.
From my experience there is absolutely nothing you can do. You will tear your hair out asking your parents to go into homes etc, but they will refuse.
I say this now as someone who has watched her DH’s mental and physical health suffer from just your situation - you need to step back and make yourself and your family a priority. This situation will go on for years and you will turn round one day in the future to find that your life has passed you by in a whirl of carers and upset. Please step back.

Foofooloo, I saw your comment about the GP. Firstly is there another GP in the practice who might be more helpful. Secondly, obviously without your parent's consent the GP cannot talk to you about them... But you can talk to them. You can explain how your parents are presenting, and highlight your concerns. I've done this with my dad and it really helped. GP also invited me in too have a chat about the impacts on me.

And totally second getting POA in place. You don't have to register it yet but it is your safety net. It's much easier if your parents set it up than if you have to get it through the court of protection. I think it's was set up over a decade before I registered it. Capacity fluctuates so my dad has always made the decisions he is able to make and I make the others.

Better to register straight away, then you don’t have a delay of weeks when you need to use it. You don’t have to use it just because it’s registered- was years after registering when I started using dad’s

I referred my mil to social services and two months later she moved into a residential home. I told her quite clearly I wasn't prepared to take on a carer role with her and also that she couldn't continue to live with me. The house was no longer suitable for her mobility needs, her ability to cater for herself had almost gone, and it was beyond her to make choices and decisions- she just wanted a quiet and easy life. I had to decide for both of us and I had to be firm and clear with social services who tried to get me to leave her where she was with support. I said no to all of that. There's a thread on MN about my journey as other mnetters were incredibly helpful kind and supportive.

I think you need to step back and not do so much. Let them see what happens for a week or so. Then they might be more amenable to more carers coming in or an alternative. And sooner rather than later. What if you weren’t there? I have this to some extent with my elderly parents, but they live 250 miles away, and both DH and I are ill with cancer. We cannot help my parents in any practical way. It’s impossible. Despite us saying that we are likely to die long before my parents, they don’t seem to grasp that fact.

@Joystir59

I referred my mil to social services and two months later she moved into a residential home. I told her quite clearly I wasn't prepared to take on a carer role with her and also that she couldn't continue to live with me. The house was no longer suitable for her mobility needs, her ability to cater for herself had almost gone, and it was beyond her to make choices and decisions- she just wanted a quiet and easy life. I had to decide for both of us and I had to be firm and clear with social services who tried to get me to leave her where she was with support. I said no to all of that. There's a thread on MN about my journey as other mnetters were incredibly helpful kind and supportive.

I remember your thread - glad that got sorted and all worked out for the best.

It's so hard Op but you do need to put yourself and your own family first. I very much feel for your mum as whether it's dementia or she's simply at the end of her tether, she's in an awful situation. Doesn't mean she's right to take it out on you nor should you have to put up with it but she sounds like she really is in a bad way and lashing out at those she feels most comfortable with.

Sounds like you need to establish firm boundaries which might help her see that she needs more external help (whatever form that might take) but at the very least will protect you and your own health / mental health. Good luck!

You have to realise that your parents' neediness isn't personal- they need and deserve good quality care. But that's just it- their needs are not personal. You could turn yourself inside out trying to meet their needs and expecting them to somehow be objective, proactive or considerate about getting their needs met. They are beyond that. You have to work out what you need, what level of support you are comfortable with providing or even able to provide, then TELL them what will happen.

You are allowed a life of you own OP, and their needs will be much better met by a team of paid professionals.

It sounds like your mum is experiencing some depression - not uncommon considering her recent ill health/facial appearance/lockdown/your fathers worsening health and frailty.
I think a GP appointment should be the first point of call. Would she be willing to accept any medication? Before involvement in with mental health services in my area primary care had to have tried at least one antidepressant (obviously it risks are deemed appropriate for primary care not secondary services).
If you do suspect the onset of dementia then again, GP should be informed and can make a referral to the appropriate services if they felt it was needed from the assessment they carry out.
You could request a care needs assessment from the local authority. There may be a cost element for any care or services but it would perhaps take some of the pressure off of you? They usually also have access to other services such as physio who can look at the setting and advise/sort out works to ensure safety and reduce falls risk for your DF.
Sounds like you have your hands full and you sound like an amazingly supportive daughter. They are lucky to have you!

Your mum is suffering from post traumatic stress. Can you push for her to have reconstructive surgery to recover some of her speech and eating functions? If she feels better in herself she will be more independent of you.

Your father needs carers for times a day. Push for this also.