Need someone to talk to and moan at please

[Seventimesaday]

How do you help your elderly parents when they won’t accept your help?
My mum and dad are mid eighties. They have just received a demand for an unpaid electricity bill of £4000. My dad rang me in a panic.
I went through the obvious things with him….payment is by monthly Direct Debit of £78.00 so it’s obvious to me that it’s an error at the electricity company somewhere. Turns out that instead of giving meter readings A and B over the phone, my dad gave B and TOTAL of Aand B. He now can’t speak to anyone who can correct this. I messaged the company via Facebook and asked for someone to go and read their meter, which is happening next week, but I can’t do anything further because of data protection.
My BIL set up the app for them, but my dad clearly can’t use it and is getting confused. I asked him for the log in details so I could look at the recent bills and check that the direct debit is being applied correctly, but he won’t give me the details.(Because he has been told not to share passwords etc with anyone).
He is now ranting that the Electricity company didn’t change his email address on their system ( turns out he hadn’t asked them to). He is moaning that he can’t speak to anyone, but won’t let me do it on his behalf.
My mum is terrified of the Bailiffs turning up, because they ‘will be the talk of the street’. They are moaning that computerised systems are making things harder for everyone. I can see their point of view, but if they find it hard, why not let me or my sister do it for them?
There is no sign of Dementia in either of them, both still very fit and active, just going slightly deaf and Very, Very grumpy and argumentative!
How can we help them?

When I phoned up a call centre they were happy for my mum to give them permission to speak to me and then hand the phone to me, would that help you?

Or put it on speaker so you can join in

It's difficult and frightening, and that's for you not them...

Oh it's a struggle. I'd strongly recommend working on a Lasting Power of Attorney for finance, as it makes it much easier to share this sort of stuff. In the meantime, I agree with daisylashes - join them in the same room. I've ended up pretending to be my mum on the phone once (she was sitting next to me) but I don't recommend that, it nearly gave me a heart attack...

Sorry , no advice but sympathy - my dad is the same , struggling with computers etc but refusing any help or suggestions from me.
It is very frustrating.

I have also rung both banks and utility companies with MIL sitting next to me.

I explain the situation to them, hand the phone to her for her to confirm I am speaking on her behalf, and all is well.

Unfortunately, I don’t live near enough to make a phone call with them nearby. The electricity company said they could complete a form to let me have authority to deal with them on my parents behalf, but my dad thinks he can do it himself, so won’t give his permission.
My mum would, but all bills are just in my fathers name.

It’s frustrating, because he wants the system to change to suit him….. he doesn’t understand that these red letters are computer generated and no one checks them before they are sent out. He thinks that someone should have picked up the fact that he was in credit and is now in debit by £4K and should be looking into it before sending out such letters. I can’t for the life of me get him to answer the simple question ‘ when was your account last in credit?’ It could have been in 1996 for all I know. He is signed up with an on line billing account, with no paper copies, with an email address which is at least two years out of date, so hasn’t seen any bills for at least two years.
I will ask my sister if she knows the log in details for his account, so I can look at it without him even knowing…..hopefully he won’t have been able to change his password.

OP … at my work the IT desk uses Team Viewer to log onto my PC and sort problems remotely . I just replicated that to help my DF with similar issues to the one you are experiencing

DF was actually ok with me logging into his machine using Team Viewer from my house and staying on the phone to him. FaceTime wasn’t a thing then but that would have helped even more.

I second what @Mum5net says about TeamViewer - I've found that helpful with supporting a parent in another country.

This would seem a prime case for a smart meter. Doesn't solve the lack of bills but would hopefully get the reading right. But I'm prepared to bet that your father would refuse a smart meter.

My mother is late 70's and starting to struggle with computer updates and keeping up with online bills, but thankfully will accept help when given. My father is 80 but has dementia so she has had to get used to dealing with all the bills and utilities when for years it was my dad's domain.

OP you say that all the bills are in your dads name, this is going to be nightmare for your mum if your dad passes away first. You getting POA would be the best way forward but problematic if they are unwilling to do it.

You can make a group call via WhatsApp with your dad included to the utility company to customer serves and say there was an error in the self read. That it is a £4K bill which clearly is a misread... and mention these are older persons of x years of age and cannot hear well or read it well... let dad speak and give permission on the phone

(If not, write a letter with your dad giving you permission ..)

Also

Ask you dad and mum to arrange LPS finance and property foe you. You can do this by printing online forms yourself and just paying the court fees of about £300 each LPA for each "donor" (mum and dad) and do joint AnD severally if you have siblings they want to be involved, never just joint)

Sorry mistypes
'LPA' (not LPS) lasting power of attorney

And customer services not 'serves'..

@MereDintofPandiculation

This would seem a prime case for a smart meter. Doesn't solve the lack of bills but would hopefully get the reading right. But I'm prepared to bet that your father would refuse a smart meter.

FIL got a smart meter and then decided to change supplier. Now his smart meter is useless.

The new generation of smart meters allow you to change suppliers, unlike the first generation ones, so I would second the suggestion of getting a smart meter fitted in due course. Doesn't help with your current problems.

Likewise, getting all bills in your parents' joint names, with direct debits from a joint bank account, and setting up LPAs are also a good move for the future. My father died three months ago and I am still sorting out all the bills that were in my father's name only and going out by DD from his sole account.