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Elderly parents
Original poster

What to do, holiday or not?

12 replies

Lifeisdinky · 08/08/2021 10:26

So ,

  1. DM (90) health deteriorated in last 2 months: 2 overnight hospital admissions , carers coming in each morning to help with washing and dressing.
  2. DM is blind and over recent weeks / months lost her limited remaining sight and needs help day and night to get to the toilet (so broken nights sleep every night for me) . Luckily my husband has been able to be here all day whilst on holiday from work (FE college) with me splitting my week between working at home and at work
  3. As well as DM physical health deteriorating over recent weeks, her MH is not good - panic attacks , shaking, constantly fiddling with stuff (fan, glass of water, tissue etc) with GP prescribing Serataline which she started 9 days ago.
  4. I have been living at DMs house for @3 years now, being here for D Dad who also needed help at night (died 18 months ago) then being with mum for company and practical tasks, but out at work all day, with my DH coming over at weekends and during his holidays

So quandary is what to do about holiday due to start at the weekend - UK holiday 60 minute flight with assistance booked, self catering accommodation that we have stayed in previously ,she wants us to go but is very anxious about travel , and whilst it would be a different environment (and a place DH a d I love), we wouldn't be able to leave her alone for >10-15 minutes as is the case at home. She could come out in the car with us (taking wheelchair with us) but given she can't see anything is not something she would enjoy.

DM fluctuates between telling me what clothes she is planning to take and saying she is panicking about going but "wants DH and I go have a holiday"

If we don't go my DSIS who is joining us for 2nd week of planned trip (swapping with DH who would then fly home ready to start work), would one come up and DH and I could go away more locally for 3 nights, with me having a further week off work where I would try to do something but suspect would be guilt tripped by DSIS and DM to spend time with them at home.

What do you think,
do we plough on as planned, have to trip accepting that It will be same old same old in terms of not being able to go out much (at least not DH and I together), getting up at night with mUm for at least half the time away BUT with DM hopefully being able to see and spend a bit of time with her DB who would be half an hour away
OR
Cancel flights, car hire and accommodation and I stay at home with hope of 3 days away with DH ..

It is

OP posts:
BunnyRuddington · 08/08/2021 11:44

Is there a third way maybe? Do you ate your DM have funds for her to go into respite care for 2 weeks?

At the moment a very good care hike near to us is offering short stays of 3 weeks for the price of two.

Have you spoken to her SW about the trip? It might be worth talking to them.

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 08/08/2021 11:47

No answer but just wanted to say you are an angel to do this as is your DH. I think you need to get away with your DH and have a break from caring so whatever enables that xxx

VimFuego101 · 08/08/2021 11:52

Am I reading correctly that you've lived away from your DH for 3 years? I would take the opportunity to have your sister take over caring and take a break with him. You have to factor in your own health and stress levels and take care of yourself in order to be able to care for your mother.

confusedlots · 08/08/2021 11:54

I have no idea how you have managed to do this for 3 years! I think you need to put DM into respite care for a couple of weeks and go away and have a relaxing holiday yourself with DH.

DinosaurDiana · 08/08/2021 11:56

I wouldn’t take a lady that frail away. I can’t see the benefit to either of you.
I’d cancel and go away with DH.

Marmitemarinaded · 08/08/2021 12:11

Far far far too much for her OP

Marmitemarinaded · 08/08/2021 12:11

And you’ll never get travel insurance for her
Ever

Knotaknitter · 08/08/2021 12:44

I would cancel especially if you are able to do this and get your money back or a future holiday. If mum is blind then the unfamiliar surrounds are going to be difficult for her and it's hardly a holiday for you. There's no benefit for anyone concerned so why bother?

Let Dsis come up and spend some time with her mother while you and your husband take some time away. Three days away from your caring responsibilities will be better for you than the holiday that you have planned. It's not a holiday if you take your responsibilities with you. Forget self catering, go somewhere where you don't have to cook.

As others have said, look into respite care so you can have a real break in the future. You need to take care of yourself so that you can take care of your mother, this is a marathon and yes, she's 90 but what if you're doing this for another five years?

BunnyRuddington · 09/08/2021 08:15

Have you come to a decision yet @Lifeisdinky? Thanks

Marmitemarinaded · 09/08/2021 09:58

I wouldn’t risk it actually

WanderleyWagon · 19/08/2021 14:46

I'm with the people who say pay (if you can) for respite care and go on the holiday. You have to take care of your own wellbeing (and your own marriage; you sound like a great team with your DH but time alone would surely be something that would do you both good?

Ducksurprise · 19/08/2021 14:53

Whilst I think respite is something you should look into, as it is planned and she can see dB I think you should go. We take my very disabled fil and whilst there is a lot of same shit different location we are always pleased we have done it.

I would however plan a respite break very soon

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