Going low contact

[movingonandfree]

Hi there, I have NC for this, as a friend knows my previous username and I'd prefer to keep this private for now.
I have posted before about my Dad, and got great advice - which I listened to, but wasn't ready to act on. I think I am now.
In short he is extremely difficult, negative and draining. He refuses contact with my husband for no good reason, yet expects unending support from me with no criticism. I could go on, but I won't bother. In short, I want to go lower contact, but need a bit of a handhold/advice.
My main issue is that he is a widow and lives alone, with no friends nearby. How do I learn to accept this and deal with the guilt? Has anyone read any books which may be useful? My self esteem is just about holding up but I feel exhausted and fragile, any advice or recommendations would be hugely appreciated.

You might find some helpful advice and support on the long-running "Stately Homes" thread.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4265761-June-2021-Well-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes

Your father's demands to not trump your needs, or your mental health, or your personal happiness.

Please read about FOG (fear, obligation and guilt). Women and girls are conditioned from an early age to do as their told, and to put up with any amount of shitty behaviour.

You do not have to be your father's carer. You can step back and let adult social care deal with him.

His behaviour is not your fault, and caring for him is not your responsibility unless you make it so.

@Sicario

Thank you so much. I'll read the thread.

I think I remember your last thread. Definitely here fir a handhold

@BunnyRuddington thank you 😊.

My plan is to start lower contact from today, and honestly I feel sick with anxiety, it's ridiculous!

I did this over lockdown as he isolated himself completely so it was easy in a sense but I haven't jumped back into weekly meet ups.

I've been slower in my responses to him and have said no to things.

I've decided not to go to his home because of how it makes me feel.

I help practically when directly asked but I don't make suggestions or feel responsible for his happiness or entertainment.

I'm sticking up for my children when they don't want to hang out with him.

I have very low expectations of him so feel no disappointment.

I don't feel at all guilty about it and this is the best change.

@Mayhemmumma
Thanks for your reply. This really stands out for me:

I help practically when directly asked but I don't make suggestions or feel responsible for his happiness or entertainment.

This is exactly what I would like. I don't want to cut him off, but neither do I want to feel responsible for his happiness. It's up to him to take charge of it.