Suffering living with in laws!

[TapRab]

Hi I am new to this forum. I have always read but never posted but I feel I really need a chat.
I have been married for 6 years and have 3 children 6,4,2. My husband lives with his parents because he wants to care for them because their are old and poorly.

First of all we are Asian so it is a custom where we live with the in laws for a period of time and then move out. However, I have been here for ages. My mother in law is unbearable. She is always putting me down, making me feel worthless and always playing mind games. Usually she is nice but I feel she is always at home and she has time on her hands. We clash a lot. Over the years it is getting worse. Both my in laws usually travel but now COVID has happened they haven’t left the house.

I been with them for at least 2 years. A few weeks ago we had a big argument. She was comparing me to her other daughter in law. So much politics involved I honestly feel overwhelmed by it all. I called her out on it and then she made me it seem she can’t talk to me about anything. She was the victim and I was someone who takes things the wrong way.

We apologised moved forward but i feel she is always giving me indirect jabs here and there. Oh can’t talk to anyone these days’ ‘people are so sensitive’ She is the one who insults me and when I say something I become bad?! How does that work? She is a master manipulator.

My husband and I have put a deposit for a house and we hope to rent that out. I guess I wanted to stay with them to please my husband. They struggle to do anything. I sometimes feel he puts his mum before me.

Today she was teaching my daughter the alphabets and my daughter screamed. I went to check on her. I’m sorry but she shouted. My MIL said I put Z for her because she put S. My daughter was upset so I wanted to know.
I checked on her. MIL didn’t like that. Sorry but my daughter was sad and I don’t trust her.
She was indirectly telling my daughter I was correcting you how can you get so sensitive over these matters? Who did you learn this from?

I came and said to my daughter to leave upstairs and my MiL was hot and red and she said I’m not going to come by you lot anymore and she never met anyone like me befor?! I said everyone I met has said i am a great person but only you say I’m bad. Well I never met no one as worse than you.

I don’t think I can handle living with her anymore! She’s so childish and I feel I have depression and sleepless nights because of her. What she says races through my head all night. Hubby and mum saying have patience but I have to deal with it!

That living situation sounds awful to me. I could t stay there with someone who was horrible to me.

Sorry not advice, just sorry you’re putting up with this crap.

Could you develop selective hearing if she says something mean? Pretend you don't hear her. If she says it again then say, "Sorry, I didn't catch that?". When she's said it the third time then say, "Oh okay...". Carry on with what you are doing or change the subject.

I've worked with a couple of truly awful people in toxic office settings. I find this technique works really well! She'll get frustrated and you'll be having a little chuckle inside.

Decent and normal comments or questions get rewarded with an instant response of course. It's a bit like Pavlov's dog.

That is such a hard situation for you. I agree with Laura's suggestion. Any other way of dealing with her will result in her playing the victim and you being made out to be evil.

Does your DH have any other siblings? It might be time for them to start caring for their DPs if you move out?

@TapRab

That sounds awful
Never mind renting the other place out I'd be taking the kids and moving in and suggesting to the family they all take turns with the care and your husband only be there some of the time

www.gov.uk/attendance-allowance

If they are elderly and poorly apply for the attendance allowance too and employ a private carer to fill in the gaps aswell to ease the load

Thank you so much for the replies.

I ignore her as much as I can because I know she is a big narcissist and feeds of compliments and by putting others down she gets an ego boost.
I know her games so well and I do play the i didn’t get what you said scanerio. It helps but I feel whenever she finds me alone she just wants to attack me. I find her being so insecure around me.

I didn’t overreact today. But my FIL came home and she just went crazy. Shouting and screaming. Big drama queen. Crying as well. I told my husband not to escalate the situation. He didn’t. But I heard his father saying how they are getting old and don’t need this. She has made me the villain yet again. I feel like my voice is so lost in all of this. All evening she is FaceTiming her daughter crying and I can hear it.

He has two older brothers who are non existent because they left it down to us. They both live nearby.

How old are they ?
The state retirement age in UK is currently 66

Move out, you can always visit

You need to move out as rapidly as you can. If you are looking to rent, that should be possible fairly quickly. The situation won’t improve.

Do you have paid employment? If not, finding a job that gets you out of the house might help a lot. Also can you take a break with the children and go and stay with your own mum or another UK based relative for a few weeks? You don’t have to take your DH. A break might do everyone a lot of good.

Stay solid with your DH, and leave them. If the daughter or sons are worried, they will step in to the breach eg help the parents move in with them. I think you will find no one is deluded about MIL’s behaviour except herself and her husband.

The only thing I’d say in your MIL’s defence is, living with three small boisterous kids may be a struggle for her. If she is very old and poorly she may benefit from peace and quiet.

Rent nearby, and your DH can go over when / if they need help. If his brothers live near as well, the men could have a rota of visiting their parents.

You need to move out and limit your contact. Tell your DH it is affecting your mental health and you can't cope with it. Your DH can pop over as much as he likes.

Another effective strategy for things that aren't working is to step away and remove yourself from the situation. Immediate relief!

I feel like my voice is so lost in all of this. All evening she is FaceTiming her daughter crying and I can hear it.

I really do feel for you, it sounds like a dreadful situation.

Custardy makes a good point about her finding it hard with young children in the house. Do you think that your DH can be persuaded that your DM would be better with you living nearby so that she doesn't have to deal with the noise of the children?

Where does her DD live? Is she nearby?

The situation is I have moved to Oxford from Birmingham. Oxford rent prices are really high. We hope to purchase this house in Birmingham but it’s a bit small for us. It is near my mum though. I planned to pay off some money we owed to my brother with that rent money.
I don’t work I have to look after little ones as they aren’t full time just yet. DH wages won’t cover Oxford but we can in Birmingham.
I find the whole experience nerve-wracking. Would I be able to do all of this?

I am seeing mum this week anyway and hope things will calm down and I can revaluate this big mess. However, I do find my mum taking their side as well. I should be a good DIL and listen. She knows my MIL is a monster but she doesn’t seem to aid me to move out. She says how will they manage? But she doesn’t think of me.

My MIL and FIL have a very traditional mentality where they assume like how it was for them that the son and DIL will stay and look after them. That just doesn’t work here. His two older brothers lived here with their wives before me and they both have moved out because living conditions for them was unbearable.

I do believe she will benefit from the peace and quiet because she has severe OCD and she hates the mess the kids leave. (Even though I keep it as clean as I can). She doesn’t understand that she has to compromise. It’s been a disaster since the beginning.

She was moaning all night to her son and husband. My husband understands me and said what i said is right and I have my rights. He said apparently i come across aggressive. I said yes I said she was the worlds worse person sort of. However I got loads of insults. People expect me to keep quiet and patient and take it. When I speak it’s a problem. My FIL saying he won’t tolerate abuse to his wife and we need to sort something out! I find it so embarrassing and all night I feel so sad that i have been put in an awful set of circumstances.

I don’t live in a third world country where I have to take mental abuse from my in laws just to be a good daughter in law and stay in their home. What kind of nonsense is that?

It doesn't actually matter what anyone thinks or says (in laws or your own mother). What matters is that you put yourself first.

You don't have to put up with a toxic environment. You can move out.

You just need to decide what is most important:-

1. Your sanity
2. Being a good DIL but sucking it up as a subservient doormat

However hard the logistics of living in Birmingham and renting/buying you need to find a solution that suits you. Your MIL doesn't particularly care how you feel so why exactly should you put your life on hold for her?

Also, you don't need your Mother's approval. She is not living your life and probably has no idea of the extent of the problem.

I don’t live in a third world country where I have to take mental abuse from my in laws just to be a good daughter in law and stay in their home. What kind of nonsense is that?

I think it's time to tell your DH exactly how this is affecting you and see if he is willing to have you all move out. Point out that his Brothers have already moved out to protect their wives.

If he won't listen, I'd start talking to Refuge about what's happening and start making plans to leave.

Oxford - ouch - yes that is eyewateringly expensive.

Sounds like it's not the practicalities so much, nonetheless, it's the diplomacy.

Like PPs I recommend the "if you can't say anything nice say nothing at all" approach, which may result in a LOT of stony silences in response to MIL, yes, but it may help put a cap on the conflict. After all you can always say, "I didn't know what to say to that!"

Looking forward a year or two, the kids could all be in school and nursery and you might "want to concentrate on your career so that the pressure is not all on DH" ;)

So... With that future in mind ... you might want to sort out things like Attendance Allowance, blue badge, cleaners, online shopping so it's all in place beforehand (again, the public reason would be 'for the best' - your private motivation may well be that MIL winds you up 24/7, but as it is for the best anyway you need never admit that).

As you are not making your MIL happy, clearly it is in her interest to put in place alternative ways of her needs being met.
I know it's so so tricky but long term you can escape and I wish you the best.