Help with DM

[72WayTooCool]

This is going to be long...

DM is very nearly 79 and has dramatically declined in cognitive and physical ability in the last year. She has complex mental health issues, paranoid schizophrenia (controlled pretty well with medication), mobility issues, borderline type 2 diabetes and an as yet undiagnosed tremor in her hand and foot. She's also a hoarder with a house that is quite frankly disgusting and dangerous to live in from a fire hazard point of view.

My brother and I have financial power of attorney but not the health part. Last week we contacted adult social care for an assessment, but not sure when this will be. The house she lives in is in a trust and she has a life interest, but is not an owner. We feel she needs some kind of supported living, possibly council provided but not sure if she will be eligible. My DB and I are meant to be cleaning and sorting the kitchen this weekend, but having read a similar thread I think maybe we should leave this until after the assessment has been carried out so that they can see the true extent of the issues.

Today, she has received a notice of intended prosecution form the police for driving with undue care and attention. We're not sure where this will go, but we think it's probably time for her to give up driving. She lives in a rural area and buses are rubbish, so to have her independence taken away from her is going to be a bit tough.

If anyone has any experiences or advice they can share then I'd be keen to hear. I absolutely cannot be a carer, I work full time and am the main breadwinner but not sure if social services expect family to pick up the slack? She has minimal savings and at the moment she does do a few hours work in a local supermarket checkout each week, but if she stops driving that will have to stop too.

Sorry for the ramble. I've not had to deal with anything like this before and am at a bit of a loss. DF died in his 50s and DH's parents are both still quite active.

Does she have a mental health nurse or a social worker ?

No she doesn't.

My mother was a hoarder, and an alcoholic, so I understand some of what you are dealing with (and her car was covered in dents when she died as well).

Hoarding is an intractable, bastard condition that no one in social services or any other institution will own or help with. Mainly because the hoarders tend to be mentally well enough to be seen as having competence. So however much you show them the mess, they say, well it's her choice and we can't go against that.

It also tends to fall between the stools of various authorities, not social services nor the council nor anyone. In particular if the house is privately owned it is impossible to do anything. The people who are most interested ironically are the Fire Brigade, because fires in hoarders houses are most likely to be fatal. But that's not much help.

In terms of what to do in the short term, clean the kitchen but photograph it first - I got that advice on here and it was so helpful. You can show people the state of things without them having to visit.

Beyond that do you think she is mentally competent? Is it worth getting this assessed? If she doesn't have competency, it will be easier to move things on.

In the longer term, how likely do you think she is to want to move? Sheltered housing, in a town, sounds like what she needs but will she do that? Will she even agree to give up the car? If she's anything like as obstinate as most hoarders, that might be difficult.

Oh, and google Diogenes Syndrome. It's not the most popular of diagnoses these days but it described my mother to a 't' and sounds as though it might apply to yours too.

Oh, and you don't HAVE to do anything, and social services can't make you.

Thank you @inthesark that sounds exactly like her.

Taking photos is a very good tip. Neither me or DB can bear to see the squalor any longer, it's just awful so if we can take photos then at least we can start to make it a bit better.

Oh one more tip. Social services may be able to point you at specialist cleaners who are used to this kind of situation.

My mother went into hospital and the social workers there recommended some AMAZING cleaners who were so kind and non-judgemental and checked with me about anything important right down to a scrap of paper but powered through the disgusting kitchen like a tornado. I could not have done it without them.

Our plan is to apply for sheltered housing and she hasn't out and out dismissed the idea. There is a place about 500 yards down the road from me which would be ideal - one bedroom rented flat with warden on site. There is a high rate of attrition so there is generally always a space, it's finding out if she is eligible.

The last only fly in the ointment might be the house. My father owned it on his own, bought when they were briefly divorced (another long story) but when he was diagnosed with a terminal illness he put it in trust for me and DB, knowing that DM had mental health problems and compulsive spending issues so wanted to keep it for us. This happened nearly 25 years ago when he died.

The terms of the trust say we must house her in suitable accommodation but it doesn't specify that it has to be another property purchase. Ideally we'd like to get the house done up, rent it out and provide an small income for DM and rent her somewhere cheaper. But I have no idea about whether this would be allowed without spunking another £500 to see the solicitor. If we have to, then of course we will.

Can I ask what it is you'd like adult social care to do? She would only meet the criteria for support if she has care and support needs under Care Act (2014). For example, does she need help with toileting, managing money, managing her nutrition, managing her personal care and hygiene, moving around safely? Would she need carers to complete/support with these tasks? Look up the eligibility.
Hoarding is a mental health issue and if she has other mental health needs it as you mentioned it would be worth getting GP to refer her to community mental health team for assessment/support. If she has mental capacity then yes, this is one of the principles of the Act, that a person has the right to make unwise decisions, and has the right to live how they want to live.
Adult social care support is subject to a financial assessment, not sure how that would work if the house is in trust, it may have to be sold at some point to pay for care.

But it's not DM's house so far doubt it will be required to be sold for care.

I doubt it will be required to be sold for care

She definitely needs help with bathing, personal hygiene, cleaning, and cooking. In terms of finance, if it turns out she has lost capacity, then we do have POA. The house cannot be sold for care. She doesn't own it and our solicitor has confirmed this.

It's sadly sounds like a elderly member of my family who also has paranoid schizophrenia, diabetes and numerous health problems. She is also a hoarder and lived in squaller. Sadly mental health would do nothing to help. Social services and her Gp were aware of everything but sadly would do nothing to help as "we can't force help on her" despite her being a risk to herself. We've managed to get her into sheltered housing and it's made a big difference and I would say she has a quality of life now. As hard as it is I would leave her house as it is until you've had people round as they do everything possible to avoid any help. Push for sheltered housing. We found they acted fairly quickly once she agreed to it.

Adult social care would not help with cooking, carers would put a microwave meal in for her that is all. Same they don't provide cleaners. Wait for the social care assessment, if she is eligible she could receive care calls for personal care if she can't wash herself or put a meal in the microwave.

@Mrswalliams1

It's sadly sounds like a elderly member of my family who also has paranoid schizophrenia, diabetes and numerous health problems. She is also a hoarder and lived in squaller. Sadly mental health would do nothing to help. Social services and her Gp were aware of everything but sadly would do nothing to help as "we can't force help on her" despite her being a risk to herself. We've managed to get her into sheltered housing and it's made a big difference and I would say she has a quality of life now. As hard as it is I would leave her house as it is until you've had people round as they do everything possible to avoid any help. Push for sheltered housing. We found they acted fairly quickly once she agreed to it.

This is what we are hoping. She has no quality of life at the moment. The house has a lovely little garden, which I've just paid to have cleared, but she can't get up into it as it up some steps. An easy maintenance flat would give her so much more freedom.