Different, conflicting approaches to retirement

[HorriderHenry]

Wrote a long post but the TL:DR version is: how do we cope with

Parent 1, 68: wanting a retirement full of things, meeting people, travelling doing stuff. Will structure their day around a timetable and do household things to keep stuff looking nice (eg cleaning cupboards, washing floor). Does all planning for travelling, days out, etc. Tries to gently do physical stuff to keep self active enough to enjoy life. Has a variety of chronic health conditions and also currently a short term thing which is very difficult but will recover from.

Parent 2, 70: spends most of the day lying in a reclining armchair. Will “go out” for the day but only if it involves minimal walking and an afternoon nap for 2-3 hours - recent trips as a visitor from a hospital car park to a ward were the longest walked for a very long time. Always domestically lacking, now very happy to do nothing apart from cooking (and that under duress).

Parent 1 is increasingly struggling with Parent 2’s approach.

Any advice? Parent 2 has a mixture of physical and (undiagnosed) mental health issues but also has always had a streak of… laziness? Lack of interest in the world? Something. Which means it’s hard to disentangle. would also not admit it’s a problem and blames it on “being old” (but has said that since they were 55).

Parent 1 has to accept they will be doing things and having fun on their own, probably.

If they haven't joined U3A, that might be a good shout - lots of very active groups going on excursions, walks etc in the two groups I know about.

I assume parent 1 is confiding in you though. If they aren't, there may not be much you can do as it's their marriage :(

They're competent adults. It's up to them to sort things out, not you.

If I were parent A I'm not sure I'd want to spend my last decades with parent B, tbh.

Parent A is an adult with a good life ahead. Needs to leave B and enjoy that life how they want to.

Just because they've been married/together for x years doesn't mean they can't separate at that age. I've known people do this in retirement and it's been amazing and a new lease of life.

I couldn't live with B.

Parent A needs to do their own thing and enjoy the rest of their life. Parent B is going to have a short life at this rate.
Or parent A could divorce parent B and be free

A needs to enjoy life on their own. Will B object if A goes out with friend and leaves B to vegetate at home?

What responsibility is it of yours to do anything? This is a relationship issue between two adults!

This can happen at any age, and any stage. MiL likes to be active and entertained by things outside the house. FiL was ok with that- he was more or less her carer as she has various support needs. Then FiL suddenly got worn out and fed up and wants to be left alone to potter in the house and watch TV. At 84, why not?! MiL won't have it, and pesters him constantly to drive her around, go out for the day etc.

Parent A chooses to stay together with Parent B. They have different views on retirement. That’s it. Neither can make the other do a thing. If Parent B has been like this since fifties, why is it a surprise?

For interest, did this come as a surprise to anyone? How compatible were they before retirement?

And who is doing the coping, and with what? You with a parent’s unhappiness? Are both parents unhappy?

Parent 1 must not compromise their zest for life for the couch potato Parent B. I saw a couple who retired with the money to do anything they wanted. One of them sat on the sofa for 20 years then died and the other was so loyal they did the same. When person B died a couple of years after there was almost a million pounds in property, cash and investment - what an absolute waste. A total waste.

They need to compromise on joint activities. Maybe they do something together twice a week? An activity that they agree on

Parent B needs to step up when it comes to household maintenance. Shared home, shared responsibility.

Parent A should spend time alone and/or with new/existing friends on the days not with Parent B.

They need to talk to each other. Compromise and communication.

Both are entitled to make their own choices but both have no obligation to suffer the consequences of the other’s choices.
So A could choose to become single. Or could live as if they are single but remain with B.
I would guess B is more likely to require a Carer earlier in the future and it would not be fair - would it? - for A to have to become the carer unless A wanted to do it.
So,
A might want to consider having a frank discussion about B’s expectations of A should B need a Carer. Unfortunately if they remain living together, if B needs Carers or care home at some point and they have savings, A will have to suck it up too.
What a tricky situation. Good luck.

The lack of self-care and expecting the other to do all tasks is the issue.

Having different approaches to retirement needn’t be an issue if the more active one is happy to go alone or with other friends/family.

But expecting to be looked after without cause or reciprocation wouldn’t be for me well not since the freedom programme

If an open and honest discussion can be had then a compromise could be reached. Perhaps ‘lazy’ one should use their money on a cleaner/home help if they don’t want to do their fair share. More ‘active’ one, if happy to keep up with their share, can spend their money on group memberships/activities.

I can only speak for myself but I would need an equitable arrangement for self/home care, even if outside of that we were doing different things.

Never too late to divorce

Thanks for your opinions and perspectives.

Have become more involved due to temporary incapacity of Parent A and what is becoming obvious as a result. A currently has carers coming in several times a day; B has needed care at times in the past due to severe (but now gone away) illness. For much of my life I’ve thought they’re both as bad as each other (neither are saints) but… this is hard to watch. But observe and lack of interference I must.

(Grandparents (on A side) had a very similar model. Well into their nineties, grandparent A is enjoying the very active social life denied to them before they were widowed).

I would be very careful. It's not really your problem to fix. Engage with A to get out and about and leave B to their own devices to fester in the armchair if that's what they want.

This is probably going to get worse.

Parent 1 knew that Parent 2 would not magically change when retired, so will continue on as they have before.