Can't cope with elderly mum (90)

[whatnow47]

Basically my mum has always been demanding even when we were children her needs always came first. My siblings and myself have all been to counselling over neglect and emotional abuse, so it is really hard for all of us, but we are now at the stage where no-one really wants to deal with her anymore.

For context I have a severely disabled adult son, I also have another carers role (who are very affiable and relatively easy to care for). My mother on the other hand is rude, complaining, ungrateful, manipulative and give her an inch she will take a mile. There is also a lot of paranoia which she has always had - hypervigilent and mistrusting, we have to walk on eggshells.

It is very draining just visiting for a cup of tea, she will find jobs for me that seem pointless just to keep me there for a few hours longer. She is also incredibly stubborn and inflexible i.e shopping has to be done at a certain time on a certain day at a specific shop and got angry when I tried to deviate from that for it to fit in with my responsibilities. She will not have it delivered.

My counsellor taught me to be more boundaried, which I have followed through. M, does not like it and gets very angry with me when I do not do what I am told. I finally told my sibs that I cannot cope on an emotional level and will visit for a few hours each week or chat on the phone but I want to get outside assistance to help her. M refuses, Sis took over some jobs and is VERY resentful and pretty much not speaking to me because of this.

After saying 'no' to a job that I can't do, I suggested a handy man, she flew into a rage and basically said she is cutting me off and never wants to see me again. Within 24 hours she is being 'nice' again.

It's exhausting. I feel guilty and angry both at the same time. Worse is she is telling people that I am being 'mean' to her, but doesn't give any context. She has also told some whopping lies about me that I have never, ever done, but she genuinely believes its true. Like feelings become facts.

Advice on how to deal with this please?

I don't think you're really asking for advice, I think, due to misplaced feelings of guilt, you're actually asking for permission to cut your mother out of your life.

You don't need anyone's permission. Your mother is horrible, abusive, and she's destroying your mental health. Just wash your hands of her, op. It's the only way.

There is no obligation for you to do anything it's ok to say no and feel at peace with it. Maybe consider if you get anything from continuing this relationship and take some time to think about what you want to do for you

OP I think you are just seeking validation that what your mother is doing is as bad as you think it is! She sounds selfish and manipulative. You have enough on your plate with caring for your son! So what if your sis is feeling resentful she took over the jobs herself she didn't have to!! I bet even writing it down made you feel drained! Take some time out! Keep sticking to the boundaries your counsellor taught you!!! As for the shopping tell her you will do it when you can not when she dictates because I am sure she would back down and do that or go hungry!!! MY MIL is developing nicely along your mother's track atm and I am having to be pretty blunt with her to get her to listen and it is exhausting!!!,

So what if your sister is resentful? How will you feel if things continue as they are?

Buggar them, time to put you and your needs first OP.

Sounds like you've made a good start.

Yep cut her out. I wish I’d done that years before my own mother died in 2019. The only thing I feel now is relief she’s gone.

Just because someone is old doesn't mean they can't be a horrible person.

You all need to take a step back.

She is still controlling and manipulating you all.

DSis is pissed at YOU? No. She’s angry at the wrong person.

I’m going to take a leap and guess that she’s turned you against each other your entire lives?

Thanks very much all for replying! I needed some reassurance. Yes GetTaeFuck spot on

Keep doing what you are doing - setting boundaries.
Leave when you want to, leave if she is awful to you, tell her you aren’t listening to her insults and ignore her irrational demands.
She can attack you all she likes but won’t get far if you stone-wall her.

How often do you see her? I would keep visits to the same day and time every week if you can. Try to bat off her nastiness and don't engage. If she says something trying to bait you just reply neutrally eg thanks for letting me know/ good for you/ that's interesting. She is probably very lonely and anxious but cannot express this positively hence why she is being so absolutely horrible. Your sister also needs to step up and accept responsibility

Oh God, you have your hands full already! Let your sister be resentful. I’m guessing that this has always fallen to you anyway because you have been the caretaker in your family to begin with. Don’t be surprised if this role was assigned at birth.

Agree with everyone above - except that cutting someone off is not always possible or desirable.How well do you get along with the sibling who's started to help out? Are the other siblings engaged at all? Could you and the siblings get together and come up with some strategies -
a week each, someone who's the most blunt to set the rules out for your mum. She won't have the shopping delivered? How much choice does she have if she can't get out herself! "We will be having your shopping delivered from now on - you need to let us know what you want by x day or we will choose for you"
Be prepared to say, "No, I can't do that job right now. Remember I said I needed to leave at 3?"
When she tells lies about you, have a stock reply "That's not very nice."
BE kind to yourself and do put your own needs first!

I thought so.

My mother is the same. I’ve been NC with her since I was 21 (I’m now 34). She’s almost 60.

I’m LC with my siblings because they are flying monkeys, and they are still being pitted against each other by her.

My mothers mother is exactly the same.

It would be a cold day in Hell before I did anything for her.

Totally agree. Cut her out. Also don’t let your siblings pressure or guilt you into doing care you don’t want to do. They can choose to continue to be treated badly or cut contact like you….they’re not your responsibility.

My mum is increasingly needing care and I will never provide regular support for her except for very minimal stuff for the exact reasons you mention. She was/is a horrid mother. She’s unkind and rude and sod it if I’m caring for her above my own and my families needs.

Put your self and your own family first. You life will be much better.

Yep cut her out. I wish I’d done that years before my own mother died in 2019. The only thing I feel now is relief she’s gone.

I sometimes wonder how I will feel when my M dies, sadly I think I'll only feel relief as well.

Interestingly, she never really tries her Flying Monkeys on me but that's perhaps because I'd tell them what's really going on.

Just start saying No. Don’t explain yourself. This is where “No is a complete sentence” is the most powerful thing you can say to yourself.

Thank you for you replies. I have not spoken to her in a week. She has already said she doesn't want to see me again but she says this every now and then out of frustration and then is really nice. I am planning my next move

I am planning my next move. Good luck.

I have a DF who's DM is horrendous to her and often swaps between being awful and being super sweet. My DF gets suckered in every time she's nice once to receive a huge amount of verbal abuse soon after.

Try and remember the times she's been awful to give you the courage to stay away