Hi. Asking for my best friend - she's up to her eyes with her parents and I'm hoping you can help with ideas or solutions to move forward. I'll try to be brief ... They live just over an hour from friend.
DM & DF both 86. DM has COPD well managed from a life of poor lungs and is used to being / enjoys the attention of being the sick person in the relationship. No day to day concerns with her medically. DF, previous heart issues,on blood thinners, reduced mobility, incontinence & has vascular dementia. Day on day he ticks along, mostly compliant with medication etc but slowly declining & unable to care for himself. Will do as asked but cannot think to do it himself.
House v v cluttered - from photos I'd say hoarding but family are so used to it they cannot see that.
Recent events
Had carers for a time to assist but DM cancelled because it's her job to look after him and she doesn't want people in the house or telling her they need space to work.
DM fell 4/6weeks ago cut head, bruised shoulder and ribs - day in hospital being checked. Refused to acknowledge cause was amount of incontinence boxes in hallway, paramedic referred re concerns but she moved / tidied enough when a visit was done they signed off.
Doesn't regularly take painkillers then calls friend to complain about the pain ! Pain remains but is reducing, refused carers to help - stated able to look after self & DF
DF had a fall / collapse Tue night - friend sister attended & got him in a chair - said house was too warm, no air, fans not on etc. Paramedic attended / obs ok as had cooled and drank since fall. Suspected water infection - confirmed later in the week medication being taken. DF fell again last night - DM did not raise alarm for over 4 hours then called friend sister & 999 after being told to as doesn't want another report going in on them - stil thinks they are coping.
Paramedic called friend and said they'd be doing a report re concerns - friend agreed and asked to add that concern re DM being unable to meets his needs or acknowledge this.
Friend at end of wits. This could be prevented with a good clear out, carers helping them both, some acknowledgement from DM that DF is now the sick person in the relationship and her priority needs to be allowing help for him.
Noone is saying at 86 she should be doing everything or rbdn anything but she should be able to see help is needed and not to keep masking things & preventing support. Money is not an issue.
DF unable to make decisions, DM not making solid decisions for them both but has the capacity so can and does refuse help.
Any suggestions on how to force / encourage support on a woman so stubborn ? Friend is to the point of walking away but for her DF would suffer more. DM is ungrateful & vicious toward anyone helping and makes friend feel so anxious & low.
Thank you