Care home help

[Em8725]

Hi everyone,

You may remember my other thread about my grandmother needing loads of assistance in lockdown.

This support has continued, and now she’s saying I don’t do enough for her. I know this isn’t her, but she does have a streak of rude/horrible behaviour towards anyone that tries to help.

She’s now fed up with relying on me and wants to move into a care home. I’ve messaged one of her daughters about it but she hasn’t replied (understandable as they aren’t on speaking terms).

I’m completely overwhelmed with it all and I really don’t know where to start.

Can I get social services involved?

She has assets but did an equity release so a sale of her house won’t get her much. Her savings are under £5k. She gets a private pension and a state pension and full attendance allowance.

Thankyou so much if anyone can help me with where to start. I’ve honestly had enough today about the way I’ve been spoken to, and I really can’t keep doing this.

I’ll be ok tomorrow but if this is what she wants I’d like to start the ball rolling.

Speak to social services and ask for a care needs assessment, they will help fund a home if she's under capital and has a low income-

-however they will o my fund of her needs are eligible.

What are her care needs?

Personal care?
Toileting?
Meals?
Mobility?
Night time needs?

Social services will only contribute towards a care home if she meets the criteria for needing a care home.

Otherwise they will look at what support they can put in for her at home first.

What happened to the money from the equity release?

Thankyou. I don’t know what happened to the equity release money, that was all done when I was too little to understand.

Since then everyone else has washed their hands of her and everyone has given excuses as to why they can’t help me out. I’m at breaking point and I feel so bad for saying it!

She needs help with shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry etc. Not necessarily personal care. It’s so hard to find an option that’s right for her. She won’t allow carers in and has been known to be quite rude.

Today was my limit. 9 calls in one day with problems to sort, and then getting snappy with me for not doing it quickly enough.

I have two small children on their summer break too so it’s just too much.

Her need wont be eligible unless she has overnight needs, she would have to fund herself. Your local Ss office can complete an assessment.

She needs help with shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry etc. Not necessarily personal care

From a social services point of view it doesn't sound like she'd be eligible for a care home but she might get help with meals etc from carers.

I'd recommend you talk to your local carers organisation for support for yourself and approach social services for the assessment to get some care in - if she will agree.

What county are you in?

Since then everyone else has washed their hands of her and everyone has given excuses as to why they can’t help me out. I’m at breaking point and I feel so bad for saying it!

Perhaps because she also pushed THEM to the breaking point?

You don't have to help her.

Thankyou. I’m in Kent.

She did also push them to breaking point but she’s not had the easiest of lives. It would be too outing to explain everything that’s happened to her, but I don’t think I could live with the guilt knowing she’s deteriorating if I left her to it, does that make sense?

She is usually a lovely sweet little old lady, but then has streaks where she can be downright nasty and vindictive. I can usually navigate the mood swings well but since lockdown she’s got a lot worse. She hasn’t left her house in 18 months.

Thankyou for the advice and support, I do think I need to speak to someone, I just wasn’t sure how to approach the situation or who my first port of call should be 😩

I’m also not sure I feel comfortable letting her be nasty to the carers either. At least I’m family, a stranger shouldn’t have to put up with it 😔

@Em8725

I’m also not sure I feel comfortable letting her be nasty to the carers either. At least I’m family, a stranger shouldn’t have to put up with it 😔

Carers are used to bad behaviour Carers are better able to deal with it because there's no emotional content. Carers aren't on duty 24 hours a day. They get daily respite.

@MereDintofPandiculation this was what I needed to hear. Thankyou.

Does everyone feel the guilt? Or is it just me? I’m genuinely curious. I’ve been doing this for around 6 years now, most of my adult life in fact.

Genuinely I am grateful for this, I think I needed some straight talking. This can’t continue. I’m going to phone around today and see what help is out there. Would age uk know?

As you all say, I don’t think social services can help. I just want her to be my Nan, not someone else to look after 😔

Start with a SS assessment. You’re going to have to get tough though, and say “I will not be her carer” and “GM, the carer will do that” repeatedly, and stick to hour new boundaries. You can also apply for attendance allowance. She may get the lower rate, which could fund a few hours care at least.

The rudeness is not your responsibility. My DM can be very rude to her care home staff, but also gets on well with them and seems to be well loved by them. I think that because it’s their job, not their entire life, they can roll with it. And they are probably nicer people than I am...

She still expects me to sort things out and has been known to say to the carers “It’s OK, Janet will do that when she comes” about various tasks in her room [before Covid 🙁] but they put her right. 😁

Good carers are gold.

Does everyone feel the guilt? Or is it just me? I’m genuinely curious.

I think we all us feel/have felt the guilt. For me, the guilt went when I realised the OT wasn't criticising me in the least, and thankfully I don't have a lot of contact with family so not a lot of criticism from that.

I started a diary to keep track of Dad's happenings, and was shocked to realise that it started early in 2017. That was when he started having the occasional fall and was having paranoid thoughts. But he'd already had a couple of falls before that, and I was already managing his money for him. This caring lark creeps up on you without you noticing, so that you don't realise how much you're doing, or how long you've been doing it for, until you begin to crack under the strain.

@MereDintofPandiculation you are spot on. It really does creep up. I started off just being a listening ear, and helping with food shopping and the odd call to make sure medication was being taken correctly (sorting out the day of the week packets from the pharmacy), and now it’s 24/7.

I’ve had some really really good support from some of my colleagues this weekend, and have lots of places to try for a shopping service.

My late father lived in Kent. I know that Kent is a big county, but does your gran live in the Hoo peninsula? Just wondering, because my dad got fantastic support from Whoo Cares?, they are a voluntary organisation who support mainly elderly people. They did my dad’s shopping, took him to medical appointments, arranged for his garden to be transformed and arranged a befriender for him. It was a lifeline for us as we all live a long way away, it meant that when we did visit we could spend quality time with him, rather than sorting out shopping etc.

@serene12, we aren’t far from there actually. I might give them a call and see if they know any near us instead.

Thankyou x