Elderly parent and regrets

[Whatkindofdaughter]

This isn't on the usual issues here but I'd love some comments.

Basically, I feel I've hurt my Mum a lot (now in her 90s) unintentionally.

When I left uni, over 40 years ago, I moved to the other end of the UK as that's where a job came up (it was a time of high unemployment in my field.) I went to a uni in my home town and lived at home.

However, I was also keen to get out from under my parents 'rule'. As a teenager (even up to being twenty) they didn't allow me to do all sorts that my friends did. I'm talking about boys/men. It was as if their sole aim was to stop me having sex . When I was 19 I wanted to visit a boyfriend who lived away and they told me if I did I could never come home. (My Dad said that.) I only had some freedom by lying and even now I'm not especially close to her where relationships are concerned.

I met DH some years later and never went back 'home'.

Now that 40 years have passed and I've only been able to see my parents a few times a year, because of work, distance and my own kids, I feel guilty.

I feel my mum especially has missed out on so much with me as a daughter because I've never lived close enough just to pop round for a cuppa, take her out, etc. I feel this much more now as she's very old. But now I'm older too and I get tired driving for 6 hours and sleeping in a strange bed when I visit her.

I suppose I feel I've not been a good enough daughter. But at the back of my mind all the time is this feeling of 'You made me do it' (move away) by your behaviour. I didn't intend to live so far away for ever but work and my kids schools etc made it a one-way street.

Does anyone feel the same?

I think it would be helpful to ask, not "does anyone feel the same" (which sounds like wanting to validate your feelings of guilt and isn't particularly useful for your MH), but "is anyone in the same situation, and have you been able to turn it around?"

What's done is done. The important thing is to look to the future.

I had 11 years of a split life as my parents wouldn't accept my first partner, ostensibly because we were "living in sin". They didn't make the same mistake again when I switched partners, but I compromised by announcing up front our intention to marry in due course. I too lived a long way from them, and saw them only a few times a year, like you. But unlike you, I didn't feel guilty. I lived where I needed to because of my career. It's just how things were.

My mother died 30+ years ago, so she's never seen one of her grandchildren. My father moved to be near us 15 years ago, and has been a big part of my life ever since - sometimes too big, as he has required more support

Going forward, you aren't going to be able to spend much physical time with her. But if you wanted to, you could write letters to her, send her cards and photographs. There's more than one way to create a close relationship.

We are none of us good enough daughters - hindsight is a very difficult thing.

From your description I do not think you could have done much else than what you did; and it pretty well mirrors my adult life - although we have to add into the mix my parents' somewhat difficult marriage.
They brought you up and you flew the nest and made a life for yourself - in spite of their efforts to stall that important time of young adulthood when pairing off happens. Making a new life for oneself is what we all do - it is natural and normal.

Women often have complex relationships with their mothers which are lifelong. These feelings often stem from things that happened when they were trying to establish their own independence as young adults. Don't get tied up with guilt. It will help no-one.

By the way - I am on the the side of this now, with adult daughters!

I did my best with them and we get on together; but I absolutely recognise that they have their own lives to live. Harder to do now that my OH has died, but it has to be done. It is just a fact of life.

other side

You see them a few times a year. You live a long way away it's not as if you've not seen them since being a teenager. My dad was similar. He said to me in a phone call after yet another fall out (can't even remember what about but probably them trying to be the boss) that "I dont care if I never see you again but your mother wants to see you". I have 2 boys they can both irritate the life out of me but I hold my tongue and could never imagine saying anything like that to them. I think as you do that my parents could have had a better life with us as a family but it was not to be and it was of their making. It happened numerous times and we didn't talk for 2 years at one point. Your career took you away, even if things were better with your parents your job necessitated a move. Think of your own children would you behave like they did with you? If not you have nothing to reproach yourself about. My parents were a lot younger than I am now when they gave out a lot of venom and just had to tell me what I was doing wrong. My parents latterly accepted they made mistakes, though tbh it was my mum after dad died. Giving adult kids ultimatums never works. I don't know why I'm trying to say here but I think it's up to the parents to mend fences, my parents thought it was up to us as the children. As a previous poster said you can write letters to your mum. Long chatty letters. What's in the past is in the past. Send her flowers every so often to let her know you are thinking about her. I look at some families and wonder how mine turned out so difficult. However I have a lovely husband and boys so at least I'm not continuing the do as I say vibe. Try not to be hard on yourself.

I wonder if your mum does feel she's missed out? Has she said so to you? I've mostly lived a long way from my parents' area, it's not that uncommon really. They have chosen not to move nearer any of their 3 children, fair enough, they have their own life where they are. They are always pleased to see grandchildren etc but seem content enough with infrequent visits as they have lots of friends and activities (pre covid but they've done pretty well even in lockdown).

The way I look at it (I may be a bit harsh) is that choices have consequences. Your parents chose to behave a certain way and I don't think you need to beat yourself up about the consequences. You sound extremely caring given the circumstances. Very good idea from Dint about writing letters, that could work well. I find conversation with my mum more difficult now as she can't process stuff so easily as she ages and her hearing aid doesn't always work well. Maybe I should write letters!

Did they come and visit you, when you were an impecunious new grad, an exhausted new mum? It's not all on you, you know... Really not - threatening to throw your own daughter out was OTT even for then, more normal would be stern mutterings about sleeping in the guest room etc and a don't-ask-don't-tell party line.

Be honest with yourself, are you wishing for a past that, well, would have required not just you but also your parents to have been different people?

I similarly "flew the nest" at uni because of what the family background was. But equally, after slightly closer relations were restored (when I was older) my parents moved further away off their own bat, and didn't seem to be that keen to arrange visits - they had their own busy lives.

When it became clear that my elderly mother didn't have many years left, I took steps to make sure we saw each other more frequently. We didn't go on hols - despite her illhealth she still had lots of friends and interests! - but we made memories together, days out, visits, regular phone calls etc.
But, she was interested in a closer relationship too.
My Dad wasn't, really, he was a different character, and I think trying to force things wouldn't have worked. I had to work out how we best rubbed along and steer towards that.

In your place I would put aside shoulda-woulda-coulda thoughts about the past. It's done, for good or bad. Rather, concentrate on who the two of you are now, and making the things the best they can, realistically, be.

Is she interested in seeing you, do you both enjoy visits and phone calls, that's question number one! Because if you just always inevitably irritate each other, say, or she is always rude to you or completely self absorbed, you may have to accept that neither the relationship, nor your Mum, are what you'd like, and decide what to do based on what they actually are.
What works well? If you were to take a bit of extra time off work so you could see her, would you resent it, or could you take the financial hit and it would make visits more rewarding? Would it be easier to stay in a nearby Premier Inn or similar so you can decompress a little?
Do things go better on neutral ground eg meals out? Or is she keen too for a closer relationship, and might she consider moving into sheltered accommodation near you?

I did take some extra unpaid leave each year - about a day a month - to visit Mum. Sometimes visits to (ironically!!) Stately Homes / gardens, sometimes just hanging out and helping her sort e.g. her garden. Good times for both of us.
Dad OTOH was just interested in his hobbies and would either go on about them and/or wind people up, so my thinking was, he clearly had little interest in seeing me per se, because, you know, people you want to see, you don't treat like that! So we'd try and meet for meals out as that seemed to be the least worse scenario.

Would regular calls or video calling work for you, to allow you to keep in touch despite the distance?

Only you can know what's right for you. But remember we are all - you, your parents, their parents, your kids - human and fallible. Sometimes it helps to let go of guilt and just cut everyone a smidgen more slack.
Oh and

Thank you for all the responses.

A few points...

I phone her roughly 4 times a week. She gets flowers quite a lot.
Years ago she used to put pressure on my for DH to change his job and move closer. 'Can X not change his job?'
That wasn't possible as his HQ was near us. I also didn't especially like the area, although we'd have got a lot more for our money!
There was also the odd comment 'Sometimes I think I don't have grandchildren as I hardly see them'- this is more recent as they are now 30+ adults with their own busy careers.

My Mum came to visit me roughly 2-3 times a year when the DCs were younger (up to teens.) Mostly it was on her own as my dad didn't want to- reason being 'he'd be bored'. He did come once or twice. Once a year or so when they were young kids, we'd leave them with them so we could have a few days away (UK) as a break.

I've done things for her like taking her to the Ritz for a special birthday.

The thing is, I don't think she has ANY idea at all that I harboured these feelings about my time there as a teenager. None of my friends' parents were like them so it wasn't just a generational issue.

At times when she's mentioned the 'distance' I have wanted to say 'I had to get away from you to have a life'.

Sometimes I stay with her, sometimes if DH comes with me, we stay at a cheap hotel, to get some space.

When I see her, we get on okay but we are very different people. I just know now that her time is limited- she's mid-90s.

I suppose what I'm saying is I wish I'd tried harder to see her more, and give her more of what she wanted. She had an incredibly close relationship with her own mother (who died when my Mum was 50).
By the time my Mum was 54, she'd lost her dad, her mum, and her younger brother. I think if that had happened to me and my daughter lived so far away too, it would really hurt.

I've worked all my life and even though it's been part time, I still had at least one commitment a week which meant I was dashing there and back over 4 days or so.

I guess what I'm saying is not so much she was a bad mother- far from it- but I feel I've let her down in some ways.

I'm really struck and impressed by the wisdom of the replies you've had so far, please listen to them and reread them. You have nothing to feel guilty about - relationships are two ways and the cliché about letting what you love go and seeing whether it comes back has a grain of truth hidden in it's hackneyed core, like a lot of clichés.

I'm in a similar position to you in some ways but earlier on (parents in their 70s, my own teenagers at home) but thankfully my parents also moved a long way away from their own parents, also for work, and never moved back, so although the emotional blackmail about visiting and calling more was always somewhat implied, they really would have been hypocritical to hold moving away against me when they did it too and settled eventually in an area with very little work available!

You've done nothing wrong and have nothing to feel guilty about. Our children are supposed to fly the nest - I remind myself to celebrate every step towards independence with my own teens (driving being the most terrifying) and desperately hope I will never try to make their life choices about me! I hope they get the most out of their lives and will loathe myself if I ever cling!

I feel similar to you, OP. But the reason I don't have a close mother / daughter relationship with her is how she was when I was a child and teenager (depressed, drinking too much) and that's what put the distance between us. It's not that I don't have any sympathy for her and I understand as an adult that she had a poor childhood and getting divorced hurt her. But she was still phoning me for drunken chats about this divorce when I was in my mid 20s, 15 years after the divorce. It caused irreperable damage to our relationship. So I try not to feel guilty - she is lucky she has any relationship with me tbh. Many others would have gone no contact, if what I read on Mumsnet is anything to go by.

Try to make your peace with it .

I suppose what I'm saying is I wish I'd tried harder to see her more

When you were working and bringing up children, for whom would it have been easier to initiate a visit: you or your mother?

Think about it..........it is not all down to you.

Does she feel guilty that she did not make the effort to visit you more often when she was unencumbered with either work or children?

@Mischance

I suppose what I'm saying is I wish I'd tried harder to see her more

When you were working and bringing up children, for whom would it have been easier to initiate a visit: you or your mother?

Think about it..........it is not all down to you.

Does she feel guilty that she did not make the effort to visit you more often when she was unencumbered with either work or children?

I think it was 50-50 @Mischance

My sibling was still living at home at 30 and my Mum was by then 67/68.

Although my sibling was an adult, my Mum did feel it her duty to look after them and my dad , at the time - although they were quite capable of looking after themselves.

The other issue for her was money. They never had much and the train fare (she doesn't drive) was expensive.

On balance she did what she could. The fault if any was with my dad because he didn't want to visit us- he was a bit of a loner in many ways. So I rarely ever had them both some to visit.

I think maybe some of my original post focused on guilt rather than regret.

My mum came from a very close knit family who all lived within a few miles of each other. It was the norm for mothers and daughters to live in the same street! So compared with that, I was different.

There was of course the option of them moving closer to me once my father retired but that was never even discussed as they loved their own home and had 70+ years of friends and family as a network.

My mum came from a very close knit family who all lived within a few miles of each other. It was the norm for mothers and daughters to live in the same street! So compared with that, I was different. This isn't the norm for a great many people, so don't judge yourself by that. For all the daughters who've moved hundreds of miles to get away from their parents, there's hundreds more who've moved to get away from their home town, to go to university, to follow a career, to follow a husband's career. The reason you moved is irrelevant, if it hadn't been to get away from then, it could easily have been for all sorts of reasons.

You've put a lot of effort in and had more contact with your Mum than I had with mine.

Don't let the grandchildren comment get to you. Just let it wsh over you and say "yes, it's difficult when we live so far away from each other".

You've put a lot of effort in and had more contact with your Mum than I had with mine.

You've also put a lot more effort and time than I've done with mine.

Don't let the grandchildren comment get to you. Just let it wsh over you and say "yes, it's difficult when we live so far away from each other.

Absolutely, then change the subject.

I lived up the road from my mum who is now in a care home and we didn’t have a close relationship although I saw her frequently because she always treated me as a child or as not quite as good as everyone else’s daughter. I feel like she missed out on me as an adult and so did my dad but that is not my fault. We had a party for mums eightieth at my house ( we invited my mum’s sisters from Ireland) afterwards mum and dad said they were surprised that me and my 2 brothers were so entertaining. They were worried that the party would be boring because of all the parties they had gone to in Ireland hosted by my cousins. They missed out on us as your mother has missed out on you . You can’t have a close relationship with someone who is trying to control your adulthood. I find it difficult now that I am the only company my dad has really and although he is a lovely man and very polite etc. We have never had much of a relationship but that is not my fault. I was the child. It sounds as if you saw your mum as much as you could and you had no choice but to live where you did. Also you had to get away. Again not your fault. I find having elderly parents drives you to introspection. I’m always mulling over my relationship with them now. Whereas before I just accepted the way things were. They did their best.

as you say time may be short, given her age.
so how about maybe writing to her, you could draft it a few times, maybe first write the angry childish letter, the one you keep, and then consider further, as an adult and parent yourself and write what you most deeply feel.
and it you can visit, just say whatever you can that's positive, try to avoid regrets because what's the point.
remember some happy or funny times, and say you realise now that she was trying to protect you from what she saw as predatory men, who might use you, get you in trouble and leave you in the lurch.
that you didn't understand that at the time, you hadn't got the overview, and just felt annoyed, restricted by them, as if they were trying to cramp your life.
basically try to express some gratitude, and goodwill, and say you realise now how difficult being a mother is.
you didn;t see her as a real person when you were a teenager, she was just an impediment to you, an annoyance.
now you can see she was vulnerable too, and suffered losses.
i wish i could still talk to my parents. i was a resentful teenager for far too long into middle-age. and i regret it. too late now.
all the best to you. (it's nice you took her to the Ritz).

Just sending sympathy really - I know what it's like to be thinking again about relationships with elderly parents, and wishing they had been better. Like you, I pulled away for good reasons. Only you can judge if that 'boat has sailed' now: sometimes people can just get too old to reopen conversations about old issues, sometimes they get too set in their ways to be able to see things from someone else's point of view. I also think the PP have made a good point when they ask how much effort your DM has put into mending the relationship, either now or previously.

Thanks- again- for all the thoughts.

The thing is, I don't have a 'bad' relationship with my mum.
In fact I am pretty certain she has never for one minute reflected on her parenting or realised that part of my moving away was to get away from them and their control.

I am sure she believes that the only reason I moved away was for work, whereas it was a mix of their interference in my life and job vacancies.

I think she has got used to our long-distance relationship but I know it's not what she would have chosen.

The other reason I am thinking on it is I am now 'older' and the journey is very tiring. I don't think she appreciates the toll it takes ( 5 or 6 hrs of driving) for me in my 60s.

I'm rambling really, but I suppose part of me thinks 'should I have tried to move closer' but the reality is that DH's job came first.

We all look back with regrets for lots of different reasons.

You did your best ........ we can do no more.

Your desire to break free was entirely normal under the circumstances; no regrets is the way to go, recognising that no relationship is ideal - and indeed neither is life. But I am sure she would not want you to waste any of your life on regrets. You are of an age when you do not know how much more life you will have!

The advice so far has been great. The river only flows one way. I don't mean that to sound unkind and uncaring but a parent's role is to make themselves redundant. Circumstance and changing working patterns means that lots of people move much further away than they did say a few decades ago because the world has become a much smaller place.

My mum moved to be nearer me and my brother but both of us only see her once a week. She's independent and still in her own home but I have a different sort of relationship with her. I found myself mourning for the sort of mother/daughter relationship that I saw others enjoy but in reality that just wasn't possible for us. We get along fine but she is indifferent to my life and my life choices. I went to a counsellor to unpick all of the guilt I felt that seems similar to yours and, THERE IS NOTHING TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT.

I think you have a relationship that's just fine. You phone her lots and are mindful about wee treats. She's done what she can, when she's able.

I think the issue lies more with your Dad. He sounds typical of many men of previous generations that don't see beyond themselves or are considerate of how everyone fits into the bigger picture - just their own blinkered view. The same generation means that lots of women just had to go with it to keep the peace. My in-laws were similar, FIL would lay down the law and that was that.

Don't beat yourself up over this. You're doing just fine and give to your own kids the understanding and space that was lacking in your own childhood. Good luck to you x

I had a similar experience to many of the previous posters when I left the city I was born in and then seldom returned to my parents.

As a child I was clearly the "black sheep" and my sister the "golden princess" and my parents actions came home to roost in later years. While its true that they raised me they seemed to do the minimum. My clothes were often from second hand markets and I was sent to school with holes in my shoes. It was only through the intervention of my grandmother that I had a school uniform bought for me. By contrast, when I began work at 16 every pound I tipped up for my "board" seemed to go onto my sisters back. She never wanted for anything. I was made to feel like a cash machine. Press a button and out comes money.

When I wanted to qualify for my professional exams my parents would not support me in being a full time student. I had to do it part time. Needless to say as soon as I qualified and got promoted I was off like a shot into my own home and saw less and less of my parents.

Many years later I went to uni as a mature student (different city) and stayed on there as an academic.

When I returned for my fathers funeral there were things said that caused me to walk out of the house at 11 pm and catch the last train home. I never saw my mother again and I dont feel guilty.

As parents you reap what you sow.

Totally agree with those who say that as a parent 'you reap what you sow'. Don't feel guilty. Sounds to me like you made the best decisions you could at the time - that Abba song always comes to mind - 'knowing me, knowing you, it's the best I can do'.

I live relatively near my parents but limit contact. In some ways it work better because I never have to stay overnight or have them visit for extended periods. A cup of tea once a month or so is my limit. And that is because they are not very kind people and were awful parents to a 'nervous' child.

My parents lived a mile from their parents
They worked & lived in the same area
They love routine & familiarity
As a teenager, I craved a more exciting life !
I went to university a long distance away (my parents did not have that opportunity)
I have never lived back in my original home town
I have never looked back with regret
Surely, a parents job is to create happy, independent children ?
I visit my parents, more than they visited me, just because they are more "stay at home type of people"

I do not think that you have anything to be guilty about

I don’t think it’s useful thinking about if you should have moved closer etc because you didn’t and that’s done.

Given how you describe them being towards you in your teens, and how they were towards your sibling who lived with them, it sounds like moving was the right thing for you.

What do you honestly think it would have been like living close to your mum. I imagine there’s have just been more guilt tripping and attempts to control.

My wise therapist caught me out saying that “I should’ve done this, should’ve done that” and helped me to see how unhelpful it is and how unkind to myself it is. Try to be mindful of using the “should”. Here’s a nice article about it:

drsoph.com/blog/2018/8/27/should-the-one-word-you-need-to-stop-sayingnow

It sounds like you made life choices that were right for you at the time. Be proud that you found independence under that control by your parents. That you stood up for what you needed and wanted and created a life that worked for you.

It does sound like you have done a lot with and for your mother. And that it was at a level that was comfortable for you. All of that is right, and you don’t need to feel guilty.

I think reading up about FOG (fear obligation and guilt) would help you understand at least some of this.

I suspect the obligation and guilt are super strong for you.

And I wholeheartedly recommend therapy. It really is a wonderful feeling to unravel some of the emotions and thought processes in order to free yourself of them.