What to do with mom and dads house

[Allycott]

Hi All - after some thoughts/opinions/feedback on the situation I find myself in. Mom died over a year ago and dad three years before that. I have inherited their house but I'm stuck. I don't really want to live in it - it's needs new kitchen, bathroom and some other stuff but mainly it's just not the same with them not being there. But at the same time I can't bear to sell it. I've been like this for six months - I know the answer is simple either I sell or keep - if I keep I can live in it or rent it. I just feel like selling it is losing my last connection but while it's there I can't move on. Any one else who has felt like this what did you do?

My parents both died last year, leaving the only house they'd ever lived in together, which needed a lot of work. I sold it, and now it is an utterly beautiful family home again, with the extension and rearrangement of rooms I'd always thought it needed. It was hard to let my only tie to my hometown go, but I know they would be happy to see if filled with life again

We sold my father's house when he moved up nearer us. It was the right thing to do. Although he dreamed of passing the house he had built down the generations, and it had a wonderful half acre garden which was such an important part of my childhood, it was in the wrong location for us, and the reasons that made it untenable for him (poor public transport etc) would equally apply to us in our old age. But I feel real gut wrenching pangs that I am no longer able to go and visit the garden. Just thinking about it now makes me feel unbearably sad.

But you're right, it is not the same if they're not in it. I wonder if your indecision is partly because you are still in the grieving process, and when you finally accept that they are no longer with you, you will be able to let go of the house, still being sad, but knowing that it was right to move on.

My DF was in a similar position and only sold it when the Council Tax became too much to afford.

It's not an easy choice for anyone to have to make but do you think that seeing it enjoyed by a young family might help, just like your DPs would have enjoyed it?

I know it's not what you're asking, but some practicalities - apologies if you've already thought about them. Firstly you need to see the Council policy on unoccupied houses - ours is "double Council tax after 6 months" in which case you have to push the boundaries of "occupied".

secondly, most insurance policies say the house must not be unoccupied for more than 60 days - you can get insurance, but it's a different policy, and more expensive because there isn't anyone in the house eg to spot leaks before they do major damage.

Keeping it, if it's financially possible, allows you to change your mind and sell it later. You can't un-sell it once sold. It will be difficult to rent if the kitchen and bathroom are in bad condition.

I would take a million photos, take cuttings from all my favourite plants, empty it of the furniture I live and belongings I treasure, dump the rest, then sell it. If I lived in it, I’d never get over my grief. If I rented it, I’d hate having to renovate and destroy how it looked when my parents were there, I’d hate think of the tenants not looking after it properly. So for me, selling it would be the only option.

But that’s me, the real question is are you ready to move on, it sounds like you are not.

Thanks to you all for posting. Every comment is valid and all relate to how I feel. I am having bereavement counseling (just had session 3) but I am only a short way on this journey and I think still in the midst of grief. Some friends and acquaintances think I have nothing to worry about - that I should sell the house and "enjoy myself". I can't do that - my mom and dad came from poverty in the 30s and the strong work ethic I have inherited from them will not allow me to become lazy and give up my job. I guess I will carry on deliberating as long as I have to. My mom once said that everything sorts itself out in the end. I hope so. Once again - thank you.

Yes. I get it. It's so hard to lose those memories but you won't lose them, take photos. Print them as a photo album.

We had to decide what to do with my Dsis's house. It took a year to get probate and empty and to sell it. It went so fast. A lovely family bought it who loved what Dsis had done . There will be a family or new generation that will love and improve DParents house.

If you want to keep it and rent it out for an income you will have to empty and refurbish bits of it. It'll cost Council tax to keep it and utilities even if low.

We couldn't let go of many or Dsis's belongings. That was very hard. I was less attached to the house than her belongings, sofa, her pictures, her saucepans and video & dvd collection etc.. so much stuff. She was a tidy collector (think almost hoarding if it hadn't been so neatly catalogued )

Suffice to say I am still clearing my house of the "junk" we loved from hers that filled two rooms and we squeezed into mine- that was after disposing of a lot first . It made me miserable but it was grief we had to work through (she died from aggressive cancer within a very short period). I even tried renting a storage unit. That got expensive and did nothing to help me ultimately.

There is a time to let go.

My DDs have some of her shoe evening dress and (mostly dress) jewellery collections. DM and I
passed a lot into family who still Facebook every now and then about using Dsis best sofa, slow cooker or saucepan set snd how they think of her... we sold a lot that was in good Nick if no one else wanted it. We weren't looking to make money, but to find a good appreciative home (if you give it away, people don't appreciate it.

My mum refused to sell one of the sofas to a lady from facebay who low balled when she turned up, saying she wanted it for her dogs! . DM couldn't bear that (Dsis who kept it immaculate would look down from heaven shouting "Don't you bloody dare let a dog chew my beautiful sofa!!" )

I meant, it made me miserable to try to keep too much stuff, as it was a constant reminder and it filled my house. I felt bogged down in grief. I wish dparents and I had ripped bandaid off quicker. But- you can only do what you feel able to cope with at the time.

This last comment resonates with me. I did put the house on the market sux months ago and had a good offer. But couldn't part with it. Now I wish I had of just sold it as I would be free of my constant mind changing. You are right - should have ripped the plaster off.

@Allycott

This last comment resonates with me. I did put the house on the market sux months ago and had a good offer. But couldn't part with it. Now I wish I had of just sold it as I would be free of my constant mind changing. You are right - should have ripped the plaster off.

Allycott

It is what it is and you were not ready then. But maybe you will feel more ready now,

You have to decide if you are adding to your life or adding a pressure of memories you can't let go of. Because you can video through the house and take so many photos and out then in an album. You'll be leaching momey right now to keep an insured house that will just deteriorate and worry you. If you don't want to refurbish to rent it out and believe me that changes your memories, then think about whether you are ready to sell it now. Or pay to refurb it doe you to live in. Any way you look at it, you cannot keep a museum to your grief. After a year, it's time to think about letting go, however that feels right for you xxx
I'm so sorry it's been so tough, I understand, and so do others on this MNs group here xxx

I'm selling my parents' house. It's the house I grew up and they'd lived in it since it was built. There are a lot of memories there. My dad died a long time ago and my mum just before Christmas. I can't live there and it needs work doing to it. It needs to be a family home again. Can you look at it like that?

I actually think keeping it and renting would be harder. You have all the responsibility but what if the tenants furnish it how you don't like it, don't look after it or clean it how you would like, don't tend to the garden in the same way etc.

I would sell it- give a new family a chance to create happy memories like you clearly have.

I’m going to be in exactly the same scenario in a few of years time, my dps are not in the best of health. Last year they contemplated putting it on the market and buying a bungalow but couldn’t find anywhere they liked, they’ve been here since 1965, the view is incredible and pretty much unrivalled in our area.

I also have the added pressure that a friend wants to move further into the village when his dcs are older and has already expressed a serious interest, I don’t think I could cope with regularly visiting my childhood home with someone else’s stuff in it.

I’m following the thread with interest as whilst I hope I’ll have a few more good years with my parents the scenario is eventually inevitable.

The house won’t get better being left, I had a house renovation, and did think about a few bits, I have memories and pictures instead.
So much better now, save a few bits and try to imagine it back to what it should be.
What would your parents think clinging on?

We refurbished and now let out my parents family home. They lived there all their married lives. It is still a little painful to drive past (4 years since they both died) but I'm sure they would be pleased to know it is providing an income.

I can't do that - my mom and dad came from poverty in the 30s and the strong work ethic I have inherited from them will not allow me to become lazy and give up my job. I guess I will carry on deliberating as long as I have to.

Could this by why you don't want to sell? I can totally relate to where you are coming from. Both of my DPs were born in poverty in the 30s and had some really quite hard times along the way.

I know that you would feel guilty giving up work, how about selling it so that another family can enjoy it, just like your DPs and then investing the money while you decide what to do with the money.

One thing I know about my DPs is that whatever I did with the money, they wouldn't want me to be too unhappy for too long.

Hope your grief counselling is helping

Hi to all who posted. Just wanted to update - I'm keeping the house, doing it up and Willbe moving in next year. Feel totally comfortable and am looking forward to the next part of my life. I got someone to strip it totally - I felt relief when I first saw it - it was like I would always remember how it was when they were there but can see a way forward. It just took time.

You are so lucky to be able to continue living in your beautiful house! I did sell my parents' house a year after my dear mother died, but I miss it so, so much. I would give anything to be living there now, even with all the memories. However, the people who bought it invited me to look around a couple of years ago, and it is absolutely lovely - just as we used to imagine it could be. So I am very happy for you - enjoy it!

I'd have been in the same situation as you OP, only after my mum died, the house had to be cleared out and given back to the council. I went through a truly awful time having to get rid of all her belongings, but I had no space for them in my house. I just managed to keep a few things and the rest had to go to auction.

I suppose in a way it did draw a line under it and help me to move on in some respects, and I really don't know what I'd have done if I'd inherited it. I don't think I'd have been able to sell it, and would probably have had to rent it out eventually.

Wishing you all the best.

So glad you are moving in, Allycot. Good that you didn’t have to make a snap decision

Thanks all for posting. It has taken months of just flipping from one decision to another, waking up in the night and trying to work out the consequences of every possible action. It drove me crazy but it just dawned on me that there was no right or wrong move. My plan now is to move in in the new year and settle myself. It's also helped me to accept that whilst my parents aren't with me in person any more, they are very much present in my actions, attitudes and approach to life. I miss them and I should have been a better daughter but the least I can do is have an appreciation for all their love for me while they were here.

Yes, decisions got a lot easier when I realised if I was having difficulty it meant that there was probably not much difference between the choices

@CustardyCreams

I would take a million photos, take cuttings from all my favourite plants, empty it of the furniture I live and belongings I treasure, dump the rest, then sell it. If I lived in it, I’d never get over my grief. If I rented it, I’d hate having to renovate and destroy how it looked when my parents were there, I’d hate think of the tenants not looking after it properly. So for me, selling it would be the only option.

But that’s me, the real question is are you ready to move on, it sounds like you are not.

This, a million times.

My grandparents died within 12m and the house stood empty for ages afterwards. Its a heartbreaking decision, but right now it is a house with a million beautiful memories, rather than a their home.

Take photos, take treasured items, take cuttings or even whole plants from the garden. Go and enjoy the views, relive the memories.

And then, let the house go to a new family, who will in turn make it their own home, with their own treasured memories.

I occasionally drive by my grandparent's old house, and I take joy in seeing it being lived in again, toys on the drive, flowers in the window, once even bbq smells and laughter in the garden. My grandparents wouldn't want it to have been a source of upset and turmoil for us, nor would yours

Oops. Should have rtft. Anyway, I'm so glad you've decided to make it your home, and by stripping it created a blank canvas for your new memories, which will intertwine with the lovely old ones.

@Allycott

Hi to all who posted. Just wanted to update - I'm keeping the house, doing it up and Willbe moving in next year. Feel totally comfortable and am looking forward to the next part of my life. I got someone to strip it totally - I felt relief when I first saw it - it was like I would always remember how it was when they were there but can see a way forward. It just took time.

We inherited my grandparents home, renovated it and now live in it. It makes me happy that so many people I've loved and lost have walked the halls. I feel safe here.