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Elderly parents

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Original poster

Elderly parents appointments

19 replies

doodleZ1 · 13/07/2021 17:47

My mum has loads of appts at the hospital for various issues. Now our car is giving us some issues and we had already booked it in. Mums appointment arrives, and I tell her we are taking our car in to get fixed that day. She tried to give us suggestions to make this work. Eg ask the garage to give you an appt the following day, get a courtesy car, yes we do have one, except it will be an over 100 mile drive if we do both appts on the same day, as they are in opposite directions, it's too much for us. I told her it was too much driving for us. Anyway she's not happy, I made her another hospital appt for the following week. I phone to tell her after she agreed that I can change her appt and she says she shouldn't be cancelling hospital appointments the way she is at the moment. That comment really annoyed me. I'm the only one that can take her, barring in-laws who she just won't ask. Neither will she contemplate patient transport. I'm irritated that she thinks whatever we arrange takes lower priority to whatever she needs. I'm also irritated that whenever these appts come in she tells me and never ever asks if it suits us. Is this normal and what do the rest of you do to manage?

OP posts:

Wombat36 · 13/07/2021 17:55

How old is she?

My mum (86) uses patient transport, even if it adds hours to the appointment. I'm very grateful as otherwise it is a tonne of driving. Problem is that your time is "free", alternatives cost money. Mum was taken aback when she had to pay once (and us still complaining), even tho it was way less than it cost me in petrol.

baldafrique · 13/07/2021 17:57

How old is she? Does she not drive herself?

Londonnight · 13/07/2021 17:58

My elderly mum has lots of hospital appointments too. She lives about 150 miles from me, and I am the only one who can take her. I take her when I can and she is really grateful, but there is no way she expects me to do it and would never get annoyed with me if I can't make it.

I was going to suggest patient transport as that is what my mum uses if I can't take her, but you say your mum won't do that. How far is the hospital, can she get a taxi?

I think you are just going to have to be blunt with her and tell her there are times when you just can't make it and she will have to make her own arrangement.

missminimum · 13/07/2021 18:00

Most hospitals have a volunteer driver scheme or transport. Alternatively, there may be a carers/voluntary group where she lives who can take her. Her GP surgery may ge able to advise. If she gets attendance allowance, it is meant to help cover cost of things like taxis. If she is not getting attendance allowance, she may be eligible. I appreciate she may prefer a family member but for the occasions it is not possible, these may be possible options

MeowPurr · 13/07/2021 18:17

Why can't she get a taxi?

Original poster

doodleZ1 · 13/07/2021 18:30

She's 84. Dad took patient transport at the end and spent hours waiting around at the hospital, but with mums sight issues and the length of time it takes it's never occurred to her. She seems to think I'm retired so why not and she can't see well so needs my help. She said in the past that she wouldnt need my help if she could just put her foot on a bus but she can't. In other words you are it. She lives 15 miles from us but the garage is in the opposite direction. She could take a taxi but again it's the guilt I suppose. Once she's out of the taxi she couldnt see where she was it would be like leaving a toddler to go on their own. I don't mind taking her, what I mind is she doesn't seem to think that perhaps just perhaps we have an appt the same day. She never asks if that date suits. If we have other arrangements she gives me all the ways in which I can rearrange to accommodate her. Getting my hair cut, oh well just phone and change it. If she didn't have the sight issues it would be a lot easier for me to deal with. That said the hospital referred her to the RNIB recently and she gave the woman short shrift on the phone. She was fine didn't need their help. So they told me they couldn't do anything if she wouldn't engage. They offered a volunteer to take her shopping after covid subsides. No why would she want a stranger? I feel guilty if I say anything but seeth if I don't. It's the sight issue as well as dad did all the driving and he's gone. I feel she needs to start accepting that she fits in with me not the other way round. She's never been an easy person to deal with and age has not improved it. I think all I can do is keep rearranging her appts if there's a clash

OP posts:

Original poster

doodleZ1 · 13/07/2021 18:33

The hospital is in our town so it's 15 miles from her. So a hospital visit is 60 miles

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MereDintofPandiculation · 13/07/2021 18:49

@doodleZ1

The hospital is in our town so it's 15 miles from her. So a hospital visit is 60 miles

So she could get a taxi to the hospital and you could meet her there to help her

Weebleweeble · 13/07/2021 18:55

Do you go in with her - I think I would, to try and get every morsel of relevant information and to be able to mention that travel isn't easy so can she have eg 2 appointments on the same dayy if that were necessary.
I get anxious just thinking about hospital appointments - they are dire imv.

Original poster

doodleZ1 · 13/07/2021 19:02

She could perhaps get a taxi to the hospital but there would be lots of tears and why can't you do it etc, as well as arranging to get her exactly the second she left the taxi as her sight is extremely poor. I would try and do what you suggested as a compromise if it was me with my boys, but mum sees everything from what's easiest for her. Always has done. My real issue is she feels her appts take precedence over ours and it's annoying the hell out of me. We are at 3 years of this now so I have to change the rules

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Quickchangeartiste · 13/07/2021 19:09

I think you just have to ride out the tears & tantrums. It’s good that you try to fit her appointments in, but if they don’t work for you something has to give.
My MIL had a total strop when her GP appointment clashed with dogs vet . I explained that he didn’t do well in a taxi , but I assumed she would.
It’s not easy but you are not being unfair.

Original poster

doodleZ1 · 13/07/2021 19:17

She started wanting me to go in with her as she has difficulty hearing what's been said. She has lung appts, eye appts, and gyny appts as well as the high street optician and the dentist. Pretty typical I suppose. It's selfishness on her part not seeing that perhaps she should ask her in laws even occasionally to help us

OP posts:

Original poster

doodleZ1 · 13/07/2021 19:30

@Quickchangeartiste

I think you just have to ride out the tears & tantrums. It’s good that you try to fit her appointments in, but if they don’t work for you something has to give. My MIL had a total strop when her GP appointment clashed with dogs vet . I explained that he didn’t do well in a taxi , but I assumed she would. It’s not easy but you are not being unfair.

I think you are right. I will need to ride out the tears and upset. She needs to see that I'm not just going to change my appointments (which are few and far between) no matter what they are for unless it's an emergency, when she can easily change hers. At the moment she's not phoning me as she's annoyed with me. She tends to weigh up in her mind which appt is the most important, it's always hers.

OP posts:

supersuds · 13/07/2021 21:22

I think that the answer really depends on your relationship with your DM. We regularly drive 150 miles in a day to see my FIL, who has early stage dementia, whilst working and having young children. It's the least we can do. But if it's more of a chore and your DM expects it, then you shouldn't feel obligated.

My DM, who is retired does a 40 mile round trip once a week to drive an old neighbour to various appointments, though the neighbour does give her some petrol money.

Knotaknitter · 13/07/2021 23:24

You are not the only one that can take her, she can use patient transport. I think they escort to the outpatient waiting area. MIL relied on family to take her to her many appointments until the day where there was no-one available, no-one would cancel their own plans and she had the choice of a taxi or patient transport. Once she'd arranged patient transport once she had no problems doing it again.

ContessaVerde · 13/07/2021 23:33

Patient transport will get her to the waiting area she needs to be at. It’s a great service.
But this isn’t really the problem, the problem is that she isn’t appreciating what you do for her. It will be difficult for her to change her perspective at this stage in life. If she doesn’t see your struggles, you’ll have to lay it on thick, and find a way not to let guilt dominate you.

Mum5net · 14/07/2021 00:05

In our area there are several companion driving companies or individuals who do this for a fee. I’d google that to see if it is an option. And I agree with Contessa.

MereDintofPandiculation · 14/07/2021 08:49

@doodleZ1

It makes sense to have the same person, because a stand in won’t understand her medical history. But she’s got to make it easier for you, which means patient transport or taxi

Mindymomo · 14/07/2021 10:00

Where I live we have a local charity that will help with hospital appointments, lifts and also accompanied visits, do you have anything like this near. A friend of mind and her husband do this for locals, they have the time. My FIL had many appointments that we were lumbered with transport, but we did prioritise them and cancelled a few that were not necessary. He was grateful and was always saying I don’t know how I would manage without you.

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