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Elderly parents
Original poster

Finding Dad difficult

11 replies

Cominghome1230 · 12/07/2021 19:40

My Dad is on his own and has been for nearly 10 years after my Mum died. He is early 70's and reasonably fit and healthy.

I see him once a week and my sibling also sees him once a week but on a different day.

He doesn't ever ask how I am, or how's work, what's going on in your life etc as soon as I arrive I'm greeted to a monologue all about him, usually what he has told me six times over already. If I do try to speak I get talked over.
He then tries to show me up in front of other family members, by saying oh well I was never told that, I didn't get asked.... but actually he is not interested in anything other than himself and he has been told / asked.
He also treats me like an incompetent child, as though I'm unable to think for myself. Other occasions he tries to undermine me with my children.

He is the same with my other sibling.

I have two toddlers and also work, we have no help or support from anybody else so I am already drained without having to deal with him.

How do I deal with him week after week and not lose my patience with him. I dislike spending time with him and find it so difficult and worry it will only get worse as he gets older.

OP posts:
Palavah · 12/07/2021 19:42

Have you had any conversation with him about this? I don't mean calling him out at the time, when you're both frustrated, but a deliberate and calm chat?

Original poster
Cominghome1230 · 12/07/2021 20:01

Hi @Palavah
On the occasions he has started trying to say that he hasn't been told something or included in something I have said that it is because he is not interested. He then doesn't say anything and sulks.

We haven't had a calm chat with him about it and I'm not sure how I could even bring it up with him. He is very defensive and not an easy person to talk to.
But it could be worth a try to see if it makes a difference.

OP posts:
Palavah · 12/07/2021 20:25

It sounds like you have nothing to lose.

If you tell him when you do X i feel Y, don't use absolutes (you always, you never) and keep reassuring him that you love him and you want both of you to be able to enjoy each other's company, that will help.

What you describe certainly doesn't sound unusual, I sympathise!

MereDintofPandiculation · 13/07/2021 07:42

Remember that for a large part of your time with him you were and incompetent child. It's very difficult to realise that your grown up children are adult and capable of taking their own decisions, especially as they have so many fewer years of experience than you (and people naturally get more cautious with age). I used to say "when you were my age you were married with two children".

I don't know whether this applies to your dad, but when my dad was on his own, all he wanted to do was talk. He spent all day listening to the radio, he'd had enough of listening, he wanted to talk. So I'd email him with all the family news, the every day bits, like what the cats were doing and that we'd started picking strawberries from the garden, and when I saw him, he'd talk about what I'd put in my emails.

And I always made sure he had a paper copy of any important information

It's easier to cope with monologues if you have something else to occupy your mind. I use crochet.

You have memories of when you were a young child, and it mattered to your well-being that you had the approval of your father. It's not like that now. You may not be able to change him, but you can change how you react to him. It really doesn't matter that he's "trying to show you up before other family members" - they will see him clearly and know that he's forgetting he's been told. We talk here about "teflon shoulders".

Adventure101 · 14/07/2021 13:02

Things to talk about

Can you get the children to make some art work for him & take it

Can you get some photos printed off & give them to him
Example Freeprints app on your mobile phone or a printer at him

Does he have any hobbies?

Does he go on holidays with you or with friends?

Do you have POA for you & your sister ?
It takes time to sort out ?

BunnyRuddington · 18/07/2021 10:07

Sending him emails sounds like a good idea. Have you tried spending some positive time with him as well, like taking him and your DC to a park? It might divert him from his monologue and give him something else to discuss with you next time.

Sheerheight · 18/07/2021 10:23

Visit on the same day as your sibling?
With 2 others there it will be a different dynamic and easier to break the monologue.
I would have a no tolerance policy with him showing you up in front of family or your children.

' No dad that isn't the case, ' ie pull him up on it every time.

BunnyRuddington · 18/07/2021 10:37

Visit on the same day as your sibling?
With 2 others there it will be a different dynamic and easier to break the monologue.

We do this quite a lot with our M.

Balaur · 18/07/2021 10:39

I agree to visiting with your sibling if possible. Then you can back one another up if he tries the "I wasn't told that" routine.

BunnyRuddington · 18/07/2021 10:41

Just to add, lunch clubs for those getting in a bit have started up again here.

DFIL has started to go to one. It's £5 for two courses and they sit him on a table with some other chaos and they have a chat for an hour after the meal. So far he's enjoying it, although he is a bit tight and keeps complaining about the £5 🙄

Would he be interested in volunteering? Our local Hospice is desperate for men to volunteer or would he try something like Men in Sheds?

BunnyRuddington · 18/07/2021 10:43

chaos should be chaps, although a collective term for a group of old chaps maybe should be a chaos? Grin

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