Anyone estranged from a sibling following the death of a parent?

[SmaugMum]

In a nutshell, my father died suddenly four weeks ago and my mother has a cognitive impairment (likely to be given full dementia diagnosis), poor mobility and autoimmune conditions. The plan - agreed by us all - was that my two daughters and I would move into my parents’ home and care for my mum.

My brother and I have had what I would describe as a cordial-at-Christmas relationship but he has moved 200 miles into my parents’ home, is making ALL the financial decisions relating to my dad’s estate (my mum is executor), texts me after the fact to let me know that he and my mum have, for example, collected my dad’s ashes from the funeral home, bin bagged up all his clothes to be taken away by charity.

My brother is keen for my family to move in with my mum to keep house for her but he intends to visit every fortnight and will also be coming for extended periods to wfh in his very important job (this involves hours of international zoom calls at all hours of the day - and the children have to be SILENT as he takes over the sitting room). Oh, and my mum’s sister, a very bossy and controlling woman, will also be visiting as and when she sees fit.

There was a hospital investigation over my dad’s wedding ring, but it was subsequently found, plus his original wedding ring, which had to be cut off his finger in an accident years ago. My brother is keeping both rings as they are ‘for men’.

Really, I wanted to post this in AIBU under the heading ‘am I wrong to think my brother is an entitled arse?’

I have now estranged myself from my brother, and as a consequence, my mum, who thinks he can do no wrong.

Has anyone else had a similar experience?

I'm a bit confused here.

You want to move in and look after you mum but you haven't. If you do move in with your mum, you would prefer that you brother and aunt didn't visit?

Meanwhile, your brother has moved in and is being very open about everything that is happening whilst he is looking after your mum. So you have stopped speaking to him and your mother.

How is your mum being helped by you?

@Postdatedpandemic, well you have twisted my words in your analysis. I’m not sure that I would consider my brother as being ‘open’ about everything that’s going on, it’s more that he’s excluding me from grieving with my mum and excluding me from what I consider ‘important’ moments, such as visiting my dad in the funeral parlour and collecting his ashes, by only informing me these things have taken place after the fact.

I don’t want to effectively share a house with the sibling I’m accustomed to seeing once a year, at Christmas. Nor do I wish to be a glorified housekeeper to my brother or my aunt whenever they visit. But the kids and I are not allowed to move back to our own home when they do visit, because ‘what would the neighbours think?’

Honestly, let your aunt and your brother care for your mother and you stay in your own home with your children and live your life. It's sounds less complicated that way and means your brother and your aunt won't be dictating to you. Let them figure out her care since they want to get involved in everything 3lse

So sorry @SmaugMum, you hadn't conveyed, clearly to me, that your DB had kept secret which funeral parlour your DFs body was at.

Sorry you are going through such difficult times. I know from experience that some people can show a personality you would never have expected from them, when there is an estate to share. Shocking!

If your Mum is the executor, you have to let her get on with it, and she will get help from whoever she wishes. Only if you think there is actual wrong-doing (in terms of not following the Will) can you actually investigate. You certainly learn a lot at times like these.

From what you've said, I'd stay put with your DC and let your brother and aunt sort things out for your Mum.

Yes. After my mother died 11 years ago my older brother, also an entitled arse who I previously saw about once a year, started throwing his weight around trying to delegate menial tasks to me, because he was "too busy" while he spoke to important people like doctors etc. He wanted to be in charge and was happy to take the credit for doing things others had done. It made me really question my relationship with him and I finally faced up to the fact that he had sexually abused me for years when I was a child. This made cutting him out of my life an easy decision. Any contact required to help my father was strictly via my husband only. Although my father outwardly favoured my brother he was actually scared of his bullying personality, especially since he was in his 80s and had started with dementia, so he didn't want to lose me.

Obviously in my case cutting off my brother was the best thing to do but your position is different. It sounds like you would be uprooting your family to care for your mum, and your brother and SIL would turn up fortnightly to make your lives a misery, your mum would give your brother all the credit while you did all the work.
TBH it sounds like a recipe for disaster from your point of view. You may feel an overwhelming sense of duty to your mum, but your first duty is actually to your children, and this sounds like an awful situation to expect them to live in. You also have the right to a peaceful life of your own.
Why and who decided your family should be uprooted to care for your mum? Was it because you've always been the one whose picked up the slack because your brother is too important? That's no excuse for you to be taken advantage of now especially while you are still grieving for your father. Your mother has already chosen to side with your brother. Parents of adult children often seem to want them to get on well and ignore the emotional cost to them.
Have you contacted Social Services or perhaps your mothers GP to discuss getting carer's to visit or possibly finding a place in a care home? This could be the best option for her especially since she will presumably only get worse over time.
It sounds to me like you and your daughters are being expected to move in to do all the hard work while your brother turns up periodically to issue orders, take all the credit and make your lives a misery. Surely you and your children are worth more than that.
It may help to read some threads in Relationships, and to see the number of women who are advised to leave a bullying abusive partner because the children will grow up thinking that's how life is. They'll learn that women are expected to sacrifice their own needs for everyone else's and that men tell them what to do, and they'll subconsciously continue believing that as adults and repeat it in their own lives.
OP please put your children first, and also remember that you are just as important as anyone else. You don't have to move in to care for your mum just because you're family expects you to.
It sounds like you don't have a partner who could support you ie act as a go-between with your brother. So you'll be forced to have contact with him, and he'll decide when.

Also please don't make any rash decisions while you're grieving for your father.

@Postdatedpandemic, thanks for replying and apologies for the earlier confusion.

@romdowa, yes, I have come to realise that I do need to put my children - and, to a lesser extent, myself, first. I have cared full time for both parents since Autmn 2020, and often to the detriment of my children.

@ajandjjmum, I’m not actually bothered about any inheritance; my children and I live a small but happy life and we always cut our cloth to suit our means. My Dad always looked like a tramp but immediately after his death, I discovered a wardrobe filled with a row of lovely, brand-new and unworn Savile Row shirts. It makes me sad to think that he never considered any moment good enough to wear a new, luxury shirt. My five-year-old now wears a party tutu or best dress every day, because, you know, life is too short. My brother is actually a lawyer and I honestly don’t believe that he is acting improperly when it comes to my dad’s will and finances, it’s just that he’s always had to be the number one most successful/amazing child. And, as a sibling, that’s always made him a bit of an unctuous twat.

@3beesinmybonnet, I’m so sorry to hear about your childhood treatment at the hands of your brother. What an awful burden for you and I sincerely hope that you have had helpful and useful support in the years since your realisation? Wise words indeed.

Yes, I think you’re right; my girls and I would have loved to live with Grandma, but it definitely wouldn’t work within the guidelines imposed by my brother. I feel sad that I’m out of touch with my remaining relatives but I feel light of mind in my decision not to carry on being taken for granted and treated so casually.

You can move in with your mum but he doesn’t get to dictate what happens when visits. He doesn’t get to take over a communal and demand silence. Go see you mum by herself, see what she wants

As for your aunt she can be as bossy as she wants, you can say no. She can’t make you do anything you don’t want to do.

@EnjoyingTheSilence, my brother is the golden sibling and what he says goes, especially now my mum is on the dementia pathway and she seems to like him/enjoy his company more than me. Honestly, I think it’s better for my children and I to remove ourselves from the situation as the proscribed grieving for my dad became quite toxic; my aunt arrived to cook nutritious meals for my mum and brother (my kids and I live a mile away) in the immediate aftermath of my dad’s death but when I rang to ask the day after he died if they could ‘babysit’ my five-year-old while I collected my elder daughter from Guides, I was told that they were planning a ‘family’ dinner that night and my aunt and brother were worried my five-year-old wouldn’t be able to sit at a table while they ate. My five-year-old is an extremely well-behaved and sufficiently socialised reception class child. My children always sit at a table to eat. Neither my aunt nor my brother has children. The other thing they have in common is that they’re both dicks! 😅

@SmaugMum, I'm well over what he did thanks, with the help of my very supportive husband.
I'm so glad you've decided to keep out of it. Leave your controlling brother and aunt to fight over who does what, and how, and concentrate on your own family xx

I’m so sorry to hear that @SmaugMum as if losing your dads not bad enough. I think you’re right concentrate on you and your dc

Yes wash your hands if it and live your own life. Let your bullying brother and aunt crack on. Do not run your life to their bidding

Sadly, we’re going through a similar scenario in our family. My dad died at the beginning of the pandemic, and despite my dad appointing two executors my half brother took charge and excluded my sister, by taking documents etc., became obstructive so probate has only just been obtained. He’s also emptied all my dad’s accounts.
Just wondering how your mum can carry out her executor responsibilities, if she likely to have dementia, as it sounds as if she doesn’t have the capacity to be an executor. Your lawyer brother must know this, and also according to your dad’s will, did he appoint any other executors? The role of an executor is a huge responsibility.