Setting boundaries?

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Hello everyone,

My Mum is in her 70s and physically able but suffers with severe Anxiety and Depression. It started years ago, with worse times than others but for the last 7 months or so it has been very bad and she has struggled a lot.

She is (in my opinion) addicted to Zopiclone (sleeping tablets). Her doctor has expressed concern over the amount she is taking, she sometimes takes more than she is prescribed and every time the dose is lowered in an attempt to help her come off them she end up in crisis...so she remains on them at the highest dose. She is obsessed with her sleep or lack of it and the fact that the tablets are not working any more. Hence the overdosing.

She has become quite manipulative. She rings at all hours and I know that if she cannot get the sympathy or answers she wants from me then she will ring my aunt...then my cousin...then my other aunt...then a friend.

I have tried very hard to be supportive, I've talked to her doctor, organised therapy, been sympathetic, been a bit firmer, helped her access social opportunities, listened, gone over to talk her down out of panics. I don't know what else I can do...I cant fix this but I feel like she wants me to.

I work full time and have two disabled children who need support on top of all the other usual domestic stuff. None of this is helped by the fact that I cannot remember the last time she supported me with anything, if I were to mention my struggles to access support for the children for example she would worry and I would end up reassuring her. Carrying her worries as well as everything else. She never arranges to come over, just turns up.

She has (and I feel bad saying this) has become really selfish...it's not just with me, my aunt is a full time carer for her husband and has been for a long time. My Mum is upset that she is "not taking more of an interest in me." I'm exasperated and sometimes when she talks to me I get a weird undertone of real manipulation that I cant explain very well. She has become very draining.

I am utterly crap at setting boundaries, I'm always there for everyone, even on my days off, I am always nice, never show any of my tiredness or exasperation. I am an abuse survivor (not Mum) and I do fear confrontation a lot so avoid it.

I was wondering is anyone has experience of this kind of thing or had any advise for setting some boundaries? I'd so appreciate it.

That all sounds very, very hard work.

How often is she calling you and at what times you do know that you don't have to answer the phone don't you?

Well l have anxiety and bad sleep anxiety.

I’ve found melatonin immensely helpful. Failing that she could try Amitryptiline which is an anti depressants which is really good for sleep.

I'm sorry OP, that sounds so difficult. The problem really is that she doesn't want to help herself, so there's only so much you can do.

It really isn't your responsibility, and you have too much else on your place to take her on. Could you tell her that you will only answer calls at a reasonable hour during the day, and then set a timer of say 15 minutes. Once that is up, you tell her you have to go.

Unless there is an emergency, she has no business calling people at all hours.

Has she been vaccinated? Can she get out and about? I know the last year has been difficult for my elderly parents, it seems to have led to a deterioration in their mental health (like many people), but they are slowly starting to make plans again.

I know it's difficult because she is your mother, but you need to protect yourself here. Maybe have a look at some online resources about FOG - fear, obligation, guilt. This should help you set boundaries and stick to them.

Also, maybe you could look into having some counselling for yourself, to deal with your abuse and how to move forward with setting healthy boundaries.

Do you have a dh /dp who can filter out the texts? Maybe text her back that you are busy now but can ring her at x time? She needs to be told you aren't available 24/7..

If your mum has depression she won't have space to worry about anyone but herself. But you are not responsible for her happiness or welfare. Nor for your aunt, cousin etc. You say yourself "I can't fix this" ... so stop trying.

I'd start by turning off the phone at night, and probably in the evening too. If you want to avoid confrontation just say "I''m sorry I don't hear it at night". "I'm sorry the battery was flat" is another one.

Make sure you keep your doors locked, and don't answer if she just turns up. If you end up having to let her in, be very busy and ignore her. Any complaints, then "I'm sorry, you've come at a bad time. Best to always ring first".

Remember you're not living with your mum. If she becomes confrontational, you can simply walk out. Every time. You're not in the situation where you have to be compliant to please your abuser because you're living with him and dependent on him. You have other tools in your toolbox now.

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP! You've alot on your plate. I have a similarish - although less extreme- situation so I can sympathise. It's so hard to watch someone you love suffer, but -as you've said - there's not much you can do unless she's willing to actively seek help. I know in my situation, I've tried having conversations too, but it just falls on deaf ears.

I agree with other posters that you need to be firm about the calling at all hours - that is not acceptable and needs to stop immediately. You have two children to look after, aswell as yourself. Let her know you're there for her, and that she can call up until a certain time, but after that time, you will not be answering the phone or the door if she turns up - switch your phone off if necessary until she gets the message. This is not an unreasonable request and your mum needs to start respecting your boundaries.

Would it be worth seeking professional advice (mental health expert?) on how best to deal with your mum?

Captain Awkward has a lot of posts on setting and maintaining boundaries, I'll start you with the one on anxious parents and freeing yourself from constant contact

captainawkward.com/2017/07/19/967-freeing-yourself-from-constant-contact/

and you can plough through the rest at leisure.

You are not your mother's therapist, doctor, counsellor or parent. She's a functional adult and can make her own choices, even if they look to you to be wrong ones, but then she can deal with the consequences of those choices. If you don't answer and she goes on to work her way down the call list - so what? It's not your fault that other people are being annoyed by her calls, that's your mother's choice and any comeback is on her. If your aunt/cousin complain to you, it's nothing to do with you and they should be complaining to her. It's not your job to protect the world from your mother's unreasonable behaviour, you aren't responsible for her feelings or her actions. It's also not your job to make her happy but I think Captain Awkward covers that too.

Thank you everyone. She tends to call late in the evening 9 or 10 sometimes later...I have turned my phone off at night after I was getting calls in the early hours. She wanted me to take control of her medication, only giving her what she needed every day (on my way back from work) but she would ring for more you see. I didn't give her any more and I put a stop to that because it just wasn't on. She'll ring most days though, sometimes she is relatively okay other times in a state and I think its the not knowing which Mum I'll get that is hard.

I'm up early with my youngest so I go to bed fairly early or I'm dead on my feet. She calls my aunt at 6! I'm weirdly better at telling her that's not on than I am at dealing with her calling me.

Being busy if she turns up is a great idea I can definitely do that! Life doesn't stop.

Its my own guilt that is the problem and I will definitely look at the FOG resources thank you.

Counselling for me probably isn't a bad idea I haven't really thought about it.