Elderly parents: what do you wish you'd known earlier?

[MarisPiper92]

Hi all. Asking this preemptively as my parents are not yet elderly (early 60s, in good health) but I worry a lot about the future, and the advice here is excellent.

I am an only child, and my parents are divorced. While I love them and would want to help them out as they get older, I do not want to spend my 40s/50s as their carer. I think they’d both agree that they wouldn’t want to “hold me back”, but I’m concerned that I’ll feel so guilty I won’t really have any choice, particularly as neither of them have anyone else.

I’m particularly concerned about DM. Her own parents died (many years ago) in nursing homes, and she felt enormous guilt at not caring for them herself, even though she was in no position to do so at the time. She has already said she will refuse to ever go into a nursing home.

So, is there anything you wish you’d known/done in advance? Is there anything I can do now to make that time easier? Is there anything I can encourage them do now, to have in place for when they need it?

For context: I'm single, childfree, living around 2 hours away from parents, although will probably move around a bit in future.

There is a multi million pound industry built on 'letting your loved ones stay in their own homes'

The poor old person is left for hours alone watching the TV and falling over on their way to the toilet.

Now, if only they could all learn the art of Swedish Death Cleaning....

My DMIL, did one thing to prepare and that was her version of Swedish Death Cleaning. She gave away or donated almost all of her things in a very considered way. Bless her.

This might sound harsh OP but every time your mum says there’s no way she’s going into a home, respond by telling her that she’d better have something else planned as you aren’t going to be skivvying around after her.

I watched my SIL give up huge amounts of time and energy because my PIL “didn’t like the idea” of strangers in the house - cleaners, carers, etc.

So my advice would be that preparing yourself is as important as preparing the legal side or thinking about the practicalities of housing. Think about where your boundaries are and how you will enforce them. Prepare yourself in advance.

@sadperson16

Become acquainted with the word 'capacity ' or 'deemed to have capacity '. This is some spurious test done in 2 minutes by a useless GP. The very old person and their capacity can then do exactly as they wish.They lose touch with reality,the neural pathways are firmly established.You are an interfering or troublesome child.

It’s a nuisance, but you’ll be in the same position some day. Treat your old people the way you’d like others to treat you.

And don’t fondly imagine that it won’t be the same because you’ll have downsized and decluttered and learnt to accept outside help because the chances are you’ll be just as much of a nuisance to your children as your parents are to you.

Im 63 and have put lots of plans in place already, but I'm in health/social care + have my own DM/PIL to consider.

The whole "I'm never going into a home", refusing care, being secretive about what you can and can't do thing drives me nuts. It is horribly selfish.

You might find that your mum is happy to go into a home if she needs to but just doesn't want you to feel guilty about it - that's certainly what I want for my children.

We all have to plan for technology running ahead of us, needing help for things we currently help other people with, not being able to drive, and sometimes having to be a bit of a burden.

Personally as well as giving my kids permission to tell me when to stop driving I have an Advance Decision that removes the need for them to feel they have to ensure my life is prolonged at all costs. And if we get to the stage where we can choose for ourselves I'm off at 85.

Thanks everyone.

@TeenMinusTests thanks for the link to the other thread, I’ll definitely be giving these a read.

@joystir59 I think you’re right. I’m in a good position to suggest they need to make their own plans, given that it’s (hopefully) a long way off. I remember your other thread, I’m glad to hear MIL is doing ok.

@Candleabra this is what I’m concerned about. At least with lots of
planning we may be able to minimise it.

Have just Googled “Swedish Death Cleaning”. I think I'm going to buy the book, just because it looks lovely!

@workwoes123 you’re right, I need to do this. Hopefully, I should have 15/20 years to get boundaries in place, if we’re lucky!

Yes boundaries. Don't kick it into the long grass when you think you are being set up to be an unwitting carer in the future.

@MereDintofPandiculation,what I have been subjected to is way more than an inconvenience.
Of course an elderly person still has a life and still has choices.
The whole concept of capacity is flawed and can be open to manipulation.

Also@MereDintofPandiculation,I treated old people very kindly especially as they had abused me when I was a child.
Old does not mean fault less

1. It's not all about the old person.
2. Even if the old person is still the same human you know as your parent, which they often aren't.
3. The new version is not an improvement.
4. Caring can last 20 years - way longer than raising children.
5. No one's looking after you.

Hang on : I may have misread the OP (I am after all barely capable of functioning at nearly 60) but there’s no suggestion, is there, of the OP’s parents lacking capacity? Why on earth would they be thinking about going into a home? They might be thinking of selling up and buying a lovely home elsewhere! I think OP is at least 15 years premature with her worries here.

To have stayed out of it. Wish someone had told me to run and leave them to it.

I didn’t learn and had to look after all 4 parents - mine and dh.

Wow @Supersimkin2, a good summary

Totally agree about Lasting Power of Attorney in Health & Welfare and in Finance. We somehow neglected to get it for my late Mum and that meant 'the State' were the decision makers for her care once she was deemed to have lost mental capacity (a highly nebulous area). The State profits from your parent's death incidentally, by not having to pay for pensions, prescriptions, plus inheritance tax gives a windfall.

You find out that care homes have a cosy deal with the local authority and can stitch up relatives to their satisfaction. First question to put you in your place: 'Do you have lasting power of attorney? No? Right then.'

On a more humdrum note, see if there are any uncashed cheques lying around. Decluttering, yes, keep it simple. Get them on the new tech while they can still mentally process it.

@sadperson16

There is a multi million pound industry built on 'letting your loved ones stay in their own homes'

The poor old person is left for hours alone watching the TV and falling over on their way to the toilet.

Yes and no. I've never seen it. If your parent owns their own home there's an industry around getting them out of it and into a care home, so the proceeds can be go to the care home and ultimately an offshore account. That includes 'friendly' Social Services suggesting to your elderly and pliable other parent that they might want to downsize to a smaller house. That might be a good idea, but it's not why they're suggesting it! It's so it will free up capital that can be used on the care of their spouse in a care home. They can't touch the house you see while the husband/wife is still living in it under the current law.

Self-funding care home residents subsidise the council funded care home residents to the tune of several hundred pounds a week. Once they're in, the local authority won't let them move back home, though I've found Surrey Social Services will always 'kindly' suggest it. They've no intention of allowing that, it allows them to interfere in your situation however, and to suggest you might 'abscond' with your parent.

Try to persuade your parents to declutter before it is too late. I am currently going through a situation where elderly relatives are downsizing but they are beyond the point of sorting out their own stuff. There is a massive amount of work involved and if they had spent even half an hour a week over the last three years it would have made a massive difference.

POA definitely, and then wills.

Consider where they live. In years to come, they maybe unable to drive. Are their local shops, hospital, doctors, chemist, good bus service etc.

Where do you live in relation to them? My parents have no close family near them, the nearest is 2 1/2 hours drive away. Makes it difficult to sort things out.

And don’t leave it too late. Mine are in 80s. Consider all 5his in their 70s.

@FakeColinCaterpillar

That if they don’t move by a certain time in life it’s then impossible to get them to move.

Definitely

Don’t make promises.

Temporarily can last a long time.

It’s fucking difficult to get help for a parent’s deteriorating health - even though they have a terminal diagnosis - when patient confidentiality prevents HCP discussing the situation with family carers. This is obviously far worse now that most appts are by phone and the HCP concerned can’t observe and assess the person. This is us right now. Elderly parent tells GP they are fine. Meanwhile DH and I are tearing our hair out.