Sundowning can I ask gp to prescribe something?

[Mxflamingnoravera]

My mother has dementia and is in a residential home. She's been happy there for nearly two years. In the past few weeks she's taken to calling me 20-30 times an evening demanding that she go home. She has no other home now, she is a widow and we sold the home she lived in prior to going into care.

I allow myself to only answer one or sometimes two of her calls each day to save my sanity, but last night she left a message to say she is being kept prisoner and was very agitated. Im terrified that the home may say they cannot handle her any longer and wondered if the gp could prescribe diaezepam or similar to calm her down. She is 84 and in mid stage dementia, I can't see that worrying about addiction at this stage is worth it, she may have to stay on them for ever but if it makes her less anxious each night and allows her to settle and not upset her friends and the staff I'd be less anxious.
It starts each night after supper, around 7pm and I think it's "sundowning".

Anyone know how else to help her?

Visiting is limited and I have to have a test each time and frankly we never got on so I'm struggling. I've no siblings to share the load with either.

@Mxflamingnoravera

I could have written your post and wanted to send We had this with Mum, and the phone calls several times a day of either swearing/threatening suicide/hallucinations (the same ones! Being held captive in a cellar, being on a boat trip!) did, combined with other things, tip me into a breakdown. It was utterly horrific.

I had to step away from my phone for several months

In Mum's case she had a fall last May which brought on/exposed the vascular dementia overnight- she was literally fine on the Fri and completely mad (not meaning any offence to anyone) on the Sat.

She was only 69, and owing to C19 and distance I saw her twice through a window in a year. 'Luckily' she had a massive aneurysm in March and slipped away.

I think you said you were an only? So I know how that feels.

You have my utmost sympathy... unless you've been through it, no one knows just how fuck awful it is.

@NorthernChinchilla Thank you for the flowers and thoughts, I am sorry to hear about the toll on your mental health, I'm hovering on the brink of a depression I suspect, but so far am keeping it at bay by not visiting and restricting answering calls to two a week. And the robot cat I got mum seems to have helped her settle a bit.

Thanks everyone kind enough to check in on my thread, just knowing there's folk out there who understand does bring some comfort.

My mum loved her robot cat thing -she'd stroke it and smile at it, and it seemed to give her a lot of comfort even when she didn't interact with anything else.
Slightly odd idea, but would your mum enjoy having a 'job'? Like a big basket of clean laundry to fold everyday to 'help out'?

@CMOTDibbler, the home do get her involved in "jobs" but then she thinks she works there and complains that they have not paid her! But, yes, it is a good idea.

Those cats are amazing, I thought she would laugh at it when I gave it to her but she immediately cuddled it and it has proved to be a great success. I have even booked a monthly supply of batteries to be sent to the home to ensure he never runs out!

Would she recognise play money as wrong ? If not, could you send in some old fashioned pay envelopes (you know, the little brown ones with the holes) and some pretend money so they could pay her on a Friday afternoon. I even saw a home local to me had given a resident her own special tabard as she was convinced she worked there and was worried she didn't have a uniform.
Mum had a respite stay in a home which had a lot of well set up areas around the home (which was beautifully set up for wandering) including an area with a doll, pram, cot but also a chest of drawers with doll clothes and laundry basket (which I think the staff filled out of the drawers at intervals) and I saw ladies sitting there happily folding and putting away. I did try a doll for mum once, but she threw it at me....

Ironically I would have had the same reaction with the toy cat- she was amazingly allergic and hated them!

Do whatever is necessary to protect your mental health Mxflamingnoravera. I know it's easier said than done, and that stepping away can in fact contribute to the stress via guilt... but do take care