Excessive bluntness / crying

[Chewbecca]

Is this a sign of dementia starting? Or just a normal part of ageing?

It’s my mum (mid 70s). She’s always ‘spoken her mind’ but lately has got worse. Tells someone something looks horrible and has made some shocking racist remarks. I used to laugh it off with a ‘you can’t say that’ remark to keep the peace. But lately, she has worsened and I have been more clear and direct telling her it is really not ok to say that. Whenever I do, she cries and says I am being horrible to her. To which I explain that it’s her making horrible comments and I am simply pointing out it’s not acceptable.

I’m a bit worried this is the start of dementia. If not, she’s going to become a very challenging person to be around.

Dementia can loosen inhibition but some elderly people in my experience just feel entitled to say what they will, possibly to provoke or possibly just to feel relevant iyswim?
My father liked to provoke and debate, but my previously very polite MIL just hates to be ignored. She regularly expresses irritation that she is not consulted on her adult ( almost elderly themselves) children’s lives.
We get the crying from her too, if she gets pulled up.

Yes, my Mil's language changed & she got quite rude. She's still not diagnosed, long story but it was definitely related to cognitive issues.

Thanks. She has always been on the rude side, just not this rude! I have never seen her cry either, she was a very strong woman.

I think that it is quite difficult to be sure or to generalise about dementia in this instance. My experience is that as my mum started to show cognitive problems, her use of language toned down. She used to be rude at times and also racist and didnt really care when she was called out on it.
Now, its as though she has realised how dependent on us she has become, and she now creeps round on eggshells so as not to offend anyone. This has unfortunately meant that she doesnt stand up for herself and both sets of NDN are starting to take advantage of this in small but growing ways. I have told her not to let people bully her but she worries about upsetting them in case she needs their help in future.
Its a difficult one OP and I would probably be telling her everytime. Others with lots of experience of this will have more advice I'm sure.

I only have experience of DMIL, she definitely started to lose her inhibitions. She starred to be a bit rude about some people, thankfully nobody we knew personally and she laughed more. I don’t think I’d ever hear her laugh until about a year ago.

Time will tell if it is dementia or indeed just that she has switched of her ‘filter’ and she’s no longe prepared to adjust views to be respectful of her company.
Either way OP, hats off to you for recognising you will have to adjust the way you deal with her. In your shoes I would work my way through 30 or 40 of the threads on this board from beginning to end. Hearing other people’s stories is so helpful. I’d then take a break and recharge your own batteries , maybe you have holiday time coming. Enjoy a week or so without her and then I’d start putting a plan in place as her behaviour escalated.

My mum, who pre dementia was the nicest, most chilled out person ever. Dementia was like taking all the filters off and she'd say all kinds of things.
I think you're on the right track atm just being very clear 'no mum, that's unkind to say x is horrible' or whatever and not allowing crying to put you off, again really clearly 'I'm not being horrible, it hurts peoples feelings when you say x'. Obviously if she ends up with a diagnosis, and got further down that path there does come a point where you upset them for no actual benefit because they don't remember what you said, just that it upset them, but you aren't near that

Interesting experiences, thank you. I do wonder if upsetting her is worth it as it doesn’t seem to stop her doing it again. I will have a read through this board which I have never previously visited!