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Elderly parents
Original poster

Angry Auntie

29 replies

ShinyGreenElephant · 22/06/2021 12:07

Hope this is okay to post here, its my great auntie rather than a parent.

So my great aunties husband died last year, and obviously covid hasn't been a great time for her or anyone else, but she has turned into the most horrible, angry, nasty person. She's in her early 80s and in reasonably good health, has plenty of money, a lovely house, a daughter and grandson and can afford carers to come in twice a day so she is well looked after. But she hates us all and is so nasty. I'm the closest family distance wise so I try to visit twice a week, but she expects to be waited on hand and foot and can be incredibly abusive. For example, she text me at 6.30pm one night to say she was out of milk. I've got 3 kids, I don't drive and my husband has moved out - I was not about to load a baby and a toddler in the pram in the middle of bedtime to get her milk, so I told her I would bring some round as early as possible the following day. I then got maybe 6/7 messages calling me a horrible selfish little brat, saying I dont deserve my lovely life and she hopes it comes crashing down around me, saying I obviously want to see her starve to death so I can have all her money (I'm not even in her will). This is the reaction every time something doesn't go her way. Shes similar with her daughter, constantly sending her horrible texts saying she doesnt visit enough (she lives an hour away and visits weekly plus arranges everything for her eg shopping, carers and phones her twice a day). Tells her she wishes she'd never had her, that her dad would be ashamed of the horrible person she's become, that she's glad her husband left her for another woman etc etc.

She is only like this with us two specifically- she is sweetness and light with everyone else. Her grandson who rarely visits is treated like an actual god, the carers all think shes a sweetheart and extended family the same. She can also be nice as pie with us when she wants something, although she never apologises for anything.

I'm at the point now where I'm absolutely sick of her. I dread going round, I don't like the kids being around her, I'm so so fed up of disturbed sleep from nasty texts in the night and I cant block her because what if she had a fall? Part of me just wants to cut contact but then I'm leaving my poor Auntie to deal with her all on her own, and besides she's an old woman who is lonely and miserable and grieving. But I dont know how much more I can take!

Any suggestions or has anyone experienced similar? Should mention too that she is already on anti depressants and they haven't helped imo but she wont talk to the doctor again.

OP posts:
MrsOwly · 22/06/2021 12:16

I'd completely step out of the ring.

Reply to her that if that's how she feels about you then it's best you have no further contact.

Just because someone is elderly doesn't mean they get a free pass to treat people like dog shit.

Level75 · 22/06/2021 12:24

She sounds awful. She can obviously control her behavior around men. I'd give her a warning that her behaviour is unacceptable and if she can't be polite you'll cease to help her and if she can't behave, stick to your word.

Egeegogxmv · 22/06/2021 12:27

You don't have to put up with this abusive treatment you know.
Just stop going round.

DogsSausages · 22/06/2021 12:28

Of course you can block her, if she is at risk of falling she can have a falls detector alarm system installed. You're at home, 3 DC, dont drive so if she fell what could you really do anyway. Your auntie doesnt need to deal with this on her own, there are extended family, a grandson and carers who can look after her. She sounds very bitter, it might be her way of dealing with grief but it doesnt mean she can take it out on you two. Maybe you and your auntie could go round together, tell her that you find her texts and insults very hurtful and unnecessary and if she really feels like this then its bestfor everyone you dont visit her for a while and ask her to stop calling you. What's the worse that can happen, she might have a full on strop but so what.

PerseverancePays · 22/06/2021 12:34

Has it become a habit for you to put up with her tantrums and rudeness?
Would it be helpful to practice with a friend, or a chair, how you would like the conversation to go? I found it helpful with my similarly behaved father.
As in
‘You’re late, where’s my tea?’
‘If you are rude, I will leave.’
‘Please put the kettle on.’
‘No problem’

A hello would have been nice and a thank you, but at least he reigned it in. I did turn round and leave several times until he got the message. I might not have been the golden child but I was the one that was there.

Justilou1 · 22/06/2021 12:46

You need to give her a piece of your mind. Imagine you are speaking to a rude teenager. You need to establish boundaries. She is expressing her loneliness in an extremely dysfunctional way. Of course you have the right to a peaceful life without abuse. You are volunteering to help her out of the goodness of your own heart and she is misbehaving like a tantrumming toddler. She needs to be reeled in. Don’t be shy. If she doesn’t adhere to your boundaries, ignore her. That is the worst punishment possible for her. Let the grandson (Goldenballs) pick up the slack. *She is trying to catch that particular fly with honey, btw.

Knittedfairies · 22/06/2021 13:01

So she's at her rudest with the people who visit regularly and do the most for her? Cut down your visits, and what you are prepared to do.

FinallyHere · 22/06/2021 13:03

I'm very sorry that you are being treated so badly. I'm afraid that it is really not uncommon for women to do lots to help and get no credit even abuse for it and men to do very little and be treated like gods.

I agree with PPs that you could try mentioning it, only if you know you can keep your countenance and point out briskly that you are not prepared to stay unless she can behave herself. And then, be prepared to walk out.

Give it a few goes, go back in your usual routine, a warning then walk out if you are not treated with respect.

A bit of moaning of complaining is fair enough, but this is abuse which you really don't have to put up with.

Original poster
ShinyGreenElephant · 22/06/2021 13:11

You're all right of course and I should be tougher. I've told her many times that her behaviour is disgusting and will sometimes stop visiting for a week but always take pity on her and end up going round. She was my grans sister and I feel like my gran would want her taken care of. But its good to hear that it isn't normal or something that just has to be put up with from an elderly, bereaved relative

OP posts:
FadedRed · 22/06/2021 13:12

You really do need to listen to the pp’s and tell your Auntie that she must not be rude and demanding to you. Practise saying a stock phrase and do not be afraid to use it. “ You have no business speaking so rudely to me, Auntie. If you are not polite I will leave.” And leave if she doesn’t behave herself.

Original poster
ShinyGreenElephant · 22/06/2021 13:13

Also she is almost always very nice to my face, and will just complain about my auntie rather than me. I tell her I dont want to hear it and she cries. Its when I don't come round quick enough that I get the horrible calls and texts from her.

OP posts:
DogsSausages · 22/06/2021 13:19

She moans about your aunt to you , she probably moans about you to your auntie. She is playing you off against each other. You and your auntie need to be United in this, tell her you are bored listening to her complaints, maybe both try and sit down with her and ask her what exactly is it that is bothering her so much, what does she want from you both, you are both trying to help but all this nasty behaviour and backbiting has to stop. If she continues behaving like this then you will both stop visiting and taking her calls. Offer to ser up a meeting with her doctor or nurse to see if there is anything else they can do to help her.

Egeegogxmv · 22/06/2021 13:20

it is really not uncommon for women to do lots to help and get no credit even abuse for it and men to do very little and be treated like gods
And everytime we see this we should refuse to go along with this ridiculous situation.

Egeegogxmv · 22/06/2021 13:22

@ShinyGreenElephant

Also she is almost always very nice to my face, and will just complain about my auntie rather than me. I tell her I dont want to hear it and she cries. Its when I don't come round quick enough that I get the horrible calls and texts from her.
She's blatantly jerking you around and you are letting her do it
Original poster
ShinyGreenElephant · 22/06/2021 13:24

Oh she 100% slags me off to my auntie and to the extended family. Calls me all kinds then cries to me saying noone gives her any sympathy. Shes always had a nasty side but shes just turned utterly vile now

OP posts:
AnnaMagnani · 22/06/2021 13:27

You need to meet up with your Auntie and have a united front about this. She already plays you off against each other.

It's vital that both you and your Auntie are on board as otherwise she will just burden your Auntie even more.

CrotchetyQuaver · 22/06/2021 13:44

Could be dementia kicking in? My aunt got really nasty with us but was able to act very pleasant and "normal" with everyone else for a long time before it overwhelmed her.

Mum5net · 22/06/2021 16:44

I’d set up a group What’sApp with the close relatives who can’t visit. I would share these abusive texts whenever they arrive and let others be aware of their content and frequency.

Purplewithred · 22/06/2021 16:51

If she falls and can't get up then she will have to dial 999 and wait. Lots of other good advice above. She has no right to behave like this and it's absolutely fine to walk away.

Purplepeoniesdroppingpetals · 22/06/2021 16:51

@Mum5net

I’d set up a group What’sApp with the close relatives who can’t visit. I would share these abusive texts whenever they arrive and let others be aware of their content and frequency.
I would do this too but would tell her that every time she was so horribly rude, I would show the people she was nice to. If you feel like being kind, you could say that you concerned that she has such strong outbursts and is obviously in need of more help than you can give. If she is so ‘distressed’ as to send hateful texts, then her other family members should be aware so that they step up more too.
GreenClock · 22/06/2021 22:43

Focus on your children and your own life. You haven’t the time or the headspace for this nonsense.

Original poster
ShinyGreenElephant · 22/06/2021 23:02

Thanks everyone. Its very hard as she wasn't always like this (although she's always had a mean streak). Interesting you mention dementia @CrotchetyQuaver as it does feel like her filter has just gone and she isn't able to control her outbursts, but I discounted the idea of dementia as shes very able to control herself around my dad, my grandad and my cousin (her grandson), plus assorted other aunties. Part of me feels its like a toddler who acts out to her mum as its her safe space but is able to behave around others as they bottle up feelings. Then I think but shes not a toddler shes 82 and weve all been bereaved this year, there's absolutely no call for her to be carrying on like this!

OP posts:
Justilou1 · 23/06/2021 01:16

Forget dementia… she’s playing out HER family conflict and competition for the benefit of her mum and wider family just like you and your cousin are. If you don’t change the pattern now, this shit will happen with your own kids. Get counselling, learn to let it all go and break free from it all. You’ll be much happier and more relaxed for it and your kids will be much more functional as humans as they will be able to have their own stories.

Original poster
ShinyGreenElephant · 23/06/2021 06:45

Not sure what you mean by this? Her mum died about 30 years ago and I'm not having a conflict with any of my cousins. My kids are fine, if anyone is causing them issues its my husband not this lot

OP posts:
MereDintofPandiculation · 23/06/2021 08:35

The first thing that hit me from your post is that one of the symptoms to look out for as a first sign of dementia is a change of personality. If this is the case, then she can't help it, it's the disease doing it not her. That said, there's no need for you to bear the brunt of it. I would suggest you stop visiting and block her phone number. But also tell the other relatives why, and that it can be a first sign of dementia, so that they will be alert to other changes.